Grief for Unlived Life

From today’s email from Matt Licata: This tenderizing deep in the soul activates the blue ones, a group of inner figures who carry grief that has until now remained unfelt, somatic and imaginal pieces of the unlived life who long for illumination and holding.

Grief that until now remained unfelt, pieces of unlived life.  This rings a bell  for me.  I think about never having had a good sexual relationship, and only one good sexual experience.  I think about my creativity that only managed a part of what was in me to manifest.  I don’t even know what capacity there is in me to love and help people, I feel like I never did much of that. And I wish I had been able to put more energy into working on environmental issues like stopping global warming. Yes, I can feel grief for these parts of my unlived life.

I also think, without my struggle with depression and trauma, I might have been able to live a life more dedicated to Spirit. Then again, without the pain of depression, I might never have turned to Spirit.

Interestingly, listing my failures immediately brings up my one big success: Neskaya. I did manage to create, or bring through from the imaginal realm, one thing that made a huge difference in many lives.

Posted in Present Day, Spirit | Comments Off on Grief for Unlived Life

More about Connection and Values

Written in writing group Tuesday night:

Let’s see.  I wanted to write about the book Connection.  She talks about being connected to yourself first, then with important people in your life, then with issues and projects that are important to you.  How do you decide what’s important to you?  Turns out it’s a good idea to examine your values.  What is really important and what is not so important.  Because you don’t want to be spending a lot of energy on things that aren’t really important.  Then you want to look at your life and see where you are spending energy on things that aren’t important.  How do you know whether something is important to you or not?  That takes both feeling and thinking.  It can take quite a bit of time to sort things out and good to spend the time.  For myself I know that my top value is truth, honesty, being straight-forward.  Another really important one is beauty, especially the beauty of Nature.  Nature is very important to me, and I realize that for me that means not only the natural world, the planet, but also the sky, the sun and moon and stars.  Compassion is really important, kindness, and being able to care about somebody’s welfare even if you don’t like them.  Family has not been important.  I was married and divorced, never had children.  My parents were alcoholics.  I care about my siblings, but relationships with them are not a high priority.  Since COVID, we’ve been meeting about once a month on Zoom, and that’s just about right.

Job, work.  I was lucky, I had a small independent income, and that allowed me to live an inexpensive life and do what I want to with my time.  I have a degree in Astronomy, and I’ve done planetarium work which is great fun.  A planetarium is a tremendous teaching instrument.  Unfortunately, a lot of Planetaria get prepackaged shows with a lot of pictures, but they don’t really use the machine.  The machine has a projector and a dome, and can duplicate the night sky for wherever and whenever you want.  You can also run the sun forward along the ecliptic, its path in the sky, and you can see how the sun goes up and down with the seasons, and how the days are long in the summer and short in the winter.  I remember at one point thinking I should find a way — maybe teach a program — for people who run the machines so they could use them creatively.  But I never followed that one out.  Instead I got involved with teaching folk dance, which I loved, and then discovered Sacred Circle Dance which grew out of the understanding that traditional folk dances had a spiritual dimension.

Added later: I notice that I didn’t follow out my ideas about teaching astronomy.  Instead I turned to Folk Dance with a spiritual dimension. I see that I value the spiritual dimension more than the scientific one.

Posted in Astronomy, Spirit, Writing | Comments Off on More about Connection and Values

Connection: the Importance of Values

I’ve just been reading a series of posts from 2014, when I was having a bad time. It’s so interesting to read that now when I’m actually feeling pretty good. What really changed my life was rereading a book called Connection, that I’ve had for a while. It was published in 2021. For some reason, this time it really struck me as a possible process to help me live my life better.

The author, Kristine Klussman, talks about the importance of knowing your values and living your life by them. I found that in some ways I’m already living the way she describes. But there is a lot more I could do. Some is just noticing, paying attention to what I’m already doing. Yesterday I walked around Rivercrest with my dog. Rivercrest is a large area near Kendal which contains grass and trees and an oval of road where we walk. Because I was alone, I paid attention to the tremendous variety of plants that grow in the open areas: very different foliage, many different sizes. I really consciously appreciated the differences.  It definitely added to the enjoyment of my walk.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my values. Among the most important are truth/honesty, beauty, kindness/compassion, spiritual practice. Other things that are important are music and dance, and keeping track of what’s going on in the sky — I have a degree in astronomy — especially I try to see the moon each day. Nature, nature is important, especially our planet that we are not taking good care of. Doing my part to lighten our burden on the planet is very important to me. Nature also includes the sun, the moon, the stars and galaxies.

I can do a lot more thinking about values, and pay attention to what I happen to be doing to see if it has meaning. Does using the toilet have meaning? Yes, it’s about keeping myself healthy, and health is definitely a value.

Posted in Healing, Present Day | Comments Off on Connection: the Importance of Values

1997: Burst of Creativity

From my journal for July 19, 1997

It’s so odd to have nothing to write in here.  I think writing used to be one way to manage my anxiety, without anxiety there’s no motive for writing.  I feel more drawn to visual and plastic arts, I want to go on with painting, clay work, and move toward some form of multi-media expression — I keep thinking of my “puppet” project, making more spirit figures, or completing the doll house with birchbark roof, a nest in the attic, a “shell room” downstairs (it occurs to me that it would be a house for the soul) and that brings up the idea of shrines — elaborate boxes encrusted with many tiny objects.  The other thing would be a reworking of the slide show with live music and dance as well as the slides and poetry.  Well, we’ll see.  The dollhouse has the most energy at this moment.

This is so interesting.  I find that feeling better immediately leads to a burst of creativity.  I talk about not feeling anxiety, but don’t mention that I’m not feeling depressed either.

Posted in Healing, Journal | Comments Off on 1997: Burst of Creativity

1997: Impossible Setup

From my journal for March 13, 1997

It’s so sad…  Dana has had too many experiences of women who wouldn’t or couldn’t make love to him, and I’ve had too many experiences of being replaced by someone else, starting with Pete Visser and Diana.

I also see that we each need a very different sort of sexual partner, to help us get over the hump of disappointment and try to be sexual again.  Dana needs someone who really wants to go to bed with him and can enjoy sex in a lusty, vigorous way.  I need someone who has enough confidence in his own sexuality to be really patient, but also persistent (Dana just gave up) to be OK with me saying no or wanting to go very slowly, someone who is experienced in handling female bodies.  I didn’t realize, until we started really talking about it, how little sexual experience he had had before he met me.  I remember being uncomfortable with a way that he would grab me and trying to get him to touch me a little more gently.  I now see that his coarseness of touch was due to lack of experience, and fear of being rejected.

Dr. Rankin was indignant that Dana and Mr. Waterson had sat there talking about how Dana could find a sexual partner.  “Were you being a ‘good girl’ and going along with your own abuse?”  I realized she was right, that I hadn’t felt safe enough to have my real feelings until we got home.  She said “I see that you’ve both made it be that you’re the one with the problem.  But what if Dana is part of the problem?  Wouldn’t you do better to be seeing a sex therapist and getting your own relationship straightened out?”

I realize that I feel very hurt and very angry.  I do feel “let down” by Dana.  A different man, with more sexual confidence, would not have given up, would have taken the abuse issue as meaning he needed to be more careful, gentle, and patient, not taking it as an excuse to quit.  Because Dana simply stopped approaching me sexually, while I was partly relieved not to have the pressure and the difficulty and discouragement, I also ended up feeling that he was no longer interested in me.

What a totally impossible situation!  No wonder we weren’t able to create a lasting relationship. And I still didn’t know about being traumatized and how that affected my ability to be sexual.

Posted in Depression, Journal, Trauma | Comments Off on 1997: Impossible Setup

1997: Highly Sensitive People

From my journal for July 15, 1997

New book about “Highly Sensitive People” — It’s clear that I fall into this category, along with about 20% of the population.  Unfortunately, 42% are not sensitive at all, and sensitivity, perception of subtleties, quietness and caution are not traits that are valued by Western Culture,  (Apparently in China & Sweden, these traits are valued.)  The author says that we are very important for the whole, that any society needs its priestly advisors as well as its warrior kings, and that we need to value and protect ourselves appropriately.  I found this book very validating and supportive.  I’ve come to many of the same conclusions lately, I think because of my increased effort to take care of myself appropriately.  The book helps me do that better, by pointing out that what gives HSP’s trouble is overstimulation.  I’ve been cutting down on things by not trying to do so many things in a day, but now I understand why this works.

There was a section on “sacred space,” talking about one of the important functions we perform for society — gives me an added appreciation of Neskaya.  Turns out Dana is HSP too, 15 yes out of 23 questions, and I’m sure Lynelle is.  I was 19 yes out of 23.

Sometime in the late 80’s I went to a retreat called Woman’s Way and was told “You are trying to take in too much.  Use your venetian blinds.” This post tells the story of my fearing I was “too sensitive” and learning that my sensitivity was a special strength that I needed to learn how to use correctly.

Posted in Healing, Journal, Spirit | Comments Off on 1997: Highly Sensitive People

1997: Wonderful Circle Dance Evening

I’ve been feeling scared and lonely and forgetting to do things that might help like go to a movement class. It did help to come across this in my journal for 1997 to remind me of something I really did well.

From my journal for March 31, 1997

I went to teach Circle Dance which was quite lovely.  Judy said I had choreographed a wonderful sequence of dances.  I had bought Easter lilies and daffodils and tiny purple iris and set up an altar on the gold cloth.  Kay said it was beautiful, that I always make beautiful altars.  I wanted to do Somogyi Karikazo and we were too few to do it around that big altar, so we took one candle and the iris and danced around them.  When we did the Pilgrim’s Dance, our shadows on the ceiling were like spirits dancing with us.  Alynn said he’d danced at many places, and the energy at Neskaya was the best — it always felt like coming home.

Creating Neskaya is the most important thing I’ve done with my life.  Sometimes there are things that call from the imaginal realm to be created in the physical realm, and the person who answers the call is not so much the creator as the midwife.

Posted in Circle Dance, Journal | Comments Off on 1997: Wonderful Circle Dance Evening

Struggling with Confusing Feelings

From my journal for Sunday, September 8

The CAC [Center for Action and Contemplation] today was on forgiveness.  I realize I have to forgive D——   — I’m not even sure for what — for not valuing me?  If that’s what she did?  I’m not even sure what made me back off from her.  But I don’t like the idea of forgiving her.  Now why?  Because I want her to know how hurt I am by her behavior toward me?  What a tangle.

What am I feeling?  Hurt and rejected.  I’m alone too much and it triggers discomfort to which I can’t give a name.  I’ve been feeling it all morning.  There is no one who cares about me.  That’s not true: my therapist Erica cares, and my friend Elizabeth cares.  Daisy & Sandy & folks from Neskaya care about me.

The song in my head is Summer in the City.  I wish it weren’t.  I wish it was easy to have my mind blank.  That’s confusing too, why would these songs, that I don’t really like, keep repeating in my mind?

Thinking about forgiveness, I remind myself that God forgives me for all the stupid things I do.

Mocha has disappeared.  I gave her the last bite of toast, and she ate it and left.  Rejected by my dog.

Being alone too much triggers the early trauma of being left alone as a baby. I don’t feel terrified, but I wonder if the nameless discomfort is frozen terror, which is the default if neither fighting nor fleeing is possible. This is what I would have felt as a baby.

It occurred to me that one possible reason why I feel so negative and confused is it might be a part feeling negative. A young part of me that more easily feels rejected by people, not my adult self at all.

I find that if I focus on my breath, and on whatever I’m doing in the moment, I can manage to stay focussed and get away from whatever song is repeating in my head.

Posted in Journal, Present Day, Spirit, Trauma | Comments Off on Struggling with Confusing Feelings

1997: Maybe it had Nothing to do with Me

From my journal for March 3, 1997

Session with Dr. Rankin.  I told her most of the stories about my mother, actually some other material around my father’s death.  Wrote it all in my journal “to keep sane.”  “So you could remember?” she asks.  “No,” I say, thinking about it — then — “this journal is like talking to a person who won’t judge me.”  I write to validate my own experience.  Also, by this time I had learned about the patterns in an alcoholic family and I was wanting hard evidence.  I knew from the “Colonial Dames” episode that I can “forget” the wounding things she says very easily, though the wound is still there.  I need to keep track of what they actually say so I can validate my pain.  I have trouble remembering because the way they talk is so alien to the way I think.

I wrote down everything that went on that 4th of July weekend because it was so crazy. The only way I could hang on to my sanity was by writing down exactly what happened.

I cried a lot in the session.  When I told her about Mom guilt tripping me when I went home to borrow money for my house, Dr. Rankin suggested that she may have been angry at Daddy for not discussing it with her first and taking it out on me.  When I talked about the 4th of July weekend I realized Mother also felt betrayed by Dad because they had a pact that he wouldn’t have any more radiation.  Perhaps she was taking that out on me, too.  Dr. Rankin said “You were caught in the crossfire, from day one.”  I said “Not exactly, Daddy wasn’t home til I was three.”  She said “Your mom probably felt betrayed because he had left her at home with a new baby.”  O yes.

When she talked, saying “It had nothing to do with you,” I felt odd movements in my heart, not exactly relief, but perhaps little openings.  I never felt anything like that with my previous therapist.  Perhaps this therapy is going to work.

“It had nothing to do with you.”  But of course I thought everything was my fault, because Mom did blame me. Or at least implied that it was my fault. One of the things I learned from writing the 4th of July material was how mother would use the passive voice to avoid responsibility, and I would pick it up without realizing what was happening.

Posted in Journal, Story | Comments Off on 1997: Maybe it had Nothing to do with Me

1997: Stories about Mother

From my journal for March 2, 1997

I think I want to talk to Dr. Rankin about mother:

“of course you wouldn’t care about the Colonial Dames”

After Daddy’s funeral she was poisonous, I went to the minister, put her in God’s hands, next day she was sober.

4th of July — her anger at me for getting the nurses, the checkbook war.

Broken hip — I get the medication.  She snarls “They weren’t going to bring it were they.” I say aren’t you going to thank me?

Making me call Mama Greene and tell her not to come.

Deciding not to tell her about my life — afraid she’ll feel abandoned
She’s fine, tells Jo “I’m so cheerful that she can’t be depressed.”

Reunion in D.C. — I didn’t come because she was there.

Time with Phyllis when I scrambled to get away from the cushion.

Dr. Rankin is the one who helped me get on Imipramine and end the plane phobia. I’ve put links to each of the stories because I didn’t want to repeat them all in this post.

Posted in Journal, Story, Trauma | Comments Off on 1997: Stories about Mother