From my journal for March 3, 1997
Session with Dr. Rankin. I told her most of the stories about my mother, actually some other material around my father’s death. Wrote it all in my journal “to keep sane.” “So you could remember?” she asks. “No,” I say, thinking about it — then — “this journal is like talking to a person who won’t judge me.” I write to validate my own experience. Also, by this time I had learned about the patterns in an alcoholic family and I was wanting hard evidence. I knew from the “Colonial Dames” episode that I can “forget” the wounding things she says very easily, though the wound is still there. I need to keep track of what they actually say so I can validate my pain. I have trouble remembering because the way they talk is so alien to the way I think.
I wrote down everything that went on that 4th of July weekend because it was so crazy. The only way I could hang on to my sanity was by writing down exactly what happened.
I cried a lot in the session. When I told her about Mom guilt tripping me when I went home to borrow money for my house, Dr. Rankin suggested that she may have been angry at Daddy for not discussing it with her first and taking it out on me. When I talked about the 4th of July weekend I realized Mother also felt betrayed by Dad because they had a pact that he wouldn’t have any more radiation. Perhaps she was taking that out on me, too. Dr. Rankin said “You were caught in the crossfire, from day one.” I said “Not exactly, Daddy wasn’t home til I was three.” She said “Your mom probably felt betrayed because he had left her at home with a new baby.” O yes.
When she talked, saying “It had nothing to do with you,” I felt odd movements in my heart, not exactly relief, but perhaps little openings. I never felt anything like that with my previous therapist. Perhaps this therapy is going to work.
“It had nothing to do with you.” But of course I thought everything was my fault, because Mom did blame me. Or at least implied that it was my fault. One of the things I learned from writing the 4th of July material was how mother would use the passive voice to avoid responsibility, and I would pick it up without realizing what was happening.