From my journal for March 13, 1997
It’s so sad… Dana has had too many experiences of women who wouldn’t or couldn’t make love to him, and I’ve had too many experiences of being replaced by someone else, starting with Pete Visser and Diana.
I also see that we each need a very different sort of sexual partner, to help us get over the hump of disappointment and try to be sexual again. Dana needs someone who really wants to go to bed with him and can enjoy sex in a lusty, vigorous way. I need someone who has enough confidence in his own sexuality to be really patient, but also persistent (Dana just gave up) to be OK with me saying no or wanting to go very slowly, someone who is experienced in handling female bodies. I didn’t realize, until we started really talking about it, how little sexual experience he had had before he met me. I remember being uncomfortable with a way that he would grab me and trying to get him to touch me a little more gently. I now see that his coarseness of touch was due to lack of experience, and fear of being rejected.
Dr. Rankin was indignant that Dana and Mr. Waterson had sat there talking about how Dana could find a sexual partner. “Were you being a ‘good girl’ and going along with your own abuse?” I realized she was right, that I hadn’t felt safe enough to have my real feelings until we got home. She said “I see that you’ve both made it be that you’re the one with the problem. But what if Dana is part of the problem? Wouldn’t you do better to be seeing a sex therapist and getting your own relationship straightened out?”
I realize that I feel very hurt and very angry. I do feel “let down” by Dana. A different man, with more sexual confidence, would not have given up, would have taken the abuse issue as meaning he needed to be more careful, gentle, and patient, not taking it as an excuse to quit. Because Dana simply stopped approaching me sexually, while I was partly relieved not to have the pressure and the difficulty and discouragement, I also ended up feeling that he was no longer interested in me.
What a totally impossible situation! No wonder we weren’t able to create a lasting relationship. And I still didn’t know about being traumatized and how that affected my ability to be sexual.