From my journal for Sunday, September 8
The CAC [Center for Action and Contemplation] today was on forgiveness. I realize I have to forgive D—— — I’m not even sure for what — for not valuing me? If that’s what she did? I’m not even sure what made me back off from her. But I don’t like the idea of forgiving her. Now why? Because I want her to know how hurt I am by her behavior toward me? What a tangle.
What am I feeling? Hurt and rejected. I’m alone too much and it triggers discomfort to which I can’t give a name. I’ve been feeling it all morning. There is no one who cares about me. That’s not true: my therapist Erica cares, and my friend Elizabeth cares. Daisy & Sandy & folks from Neskaya care about me.
The song in my head is Summer in the City. I wish it weren’t. I wish it was easy to have my mind blank. That’s confusing too, why would these songs, that I don’t really like, keep repeating in my mind?
Thinking about forgiveness, I remind myself that God forgives me for all the stupid things I do.
Mocha has disappeared. I gave her the last bite of toast, and she ate it and left. Rejected by my dog.
Being alone too much triggers the early trauma of being left alone as a baby. I don’t feel terrified, but I wonder if the nameless discomfort is frozen terror, which is the default if neither fighting nor fleeing is possible. This is what I would have felt as a baby.
It occurred to me that one possible reason why I feel so negative and confused is it might be a part feeling negative. A young part of me that more easily feels rejected by people, not my adult self at all.
I find that if I focus on my breath, and on whatever I’m doing in the moment, I can manage to stay focussed and get away from whatever song is repeating in my head.