Category Archives: Journal

What I learned from the Retreat

This was written the day after the second day of the Courage and Renewal Retreat. Normally, when I post things I’ve written in my journal, I either edit them, or add material to explain some of the references.  Today I’m … Continue reading

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Despair

From my journal for Friday, November 20 I wish I didn’t wake up in the morning feeling so tired and discouraged and meaningless.  “May all beings be held in lovingkindness.”  But I have no sense of love, or kindness, or … Continue reading

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Major Trigger

I usually type up my journal about one month later.  It often gives me some perspective that I didn’t have when I wrote it.  Recently I typed up this: from October 14 The part of me that’s behind my inability … Continue reading

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The “Gift” of Life

I am doing a Retreat with the Courage and Renewal folks. It’s called “Tending to Our Grief in Autumn” and is similar to the one I did in person in Burlington last January.  Except that this one had to be … Continue reading

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Healing

From post for October 2003: The pain in my heart is so great — there’s something about this deep level that’s so difficult.  I suppose because I’m so practiced at making myself wrong and turning away from this kind of … Continue reading

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Wisdom from my Younger Self

Reading my journal from decades ago, I am sometimes astounded at things I realized, that somehow got lost — I suppose because they didn’t fit my “worldview.”  Here’s an example: June 24, 1992 I never wrote that yesterday, after the … Continue reading

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Pressure to “Prove that I Deserve to Live”

I’ve been reading through my journal from the beginning.  These two entries really impressed me as describing a dynamic which I have been coming to know well.  I have called it “keeping going through a blizzard” and “false urgency.”  It … Continue reading

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“Dead” Bulbs Come Back to Life

From my journal: Thursday, September 17 The most amazing thing has happened!  I went to water the plants while my second cup of tea is brewing, and the two narcissus bulbs that never sprouted have put out green shoots! Resurrection … Continue reading

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Rewriting My Life

From my journal for yesterday: WholeHeart:    poem is Making Peace by Denise Levertov “If we restructured the sentence our lives are making.” The sentence my life is making.  It definitely needs to be restructured. Trauma becomes initiation. Abuse becomes … Continue reading

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The Meaning of My Life, 1976

from my journal for February 22, 1976 very black mood last night.  feeling like my life was like a sketch that has gone wrong and should be abandoned, torn up, so that a new start could be made.  So I … Continue reading

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