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Struggle with “Should”

Posted on October 15, 2010 by jenny

(Written in June 2010)
Didn’t even have energy to write so I crawled back in bed. Had one wave of fear but I met it with acceptance and compassion and it faded. I think I did sleep for a while. I’ve been reading Byron Katie and wondering if it’s worth trying her process. The trouble is I think most of my stress and pain comes from the underlying physiology of post traumatic stress. It’s not cognitive at all.
The prayer from the Grandmothers about the Net of Light is sitting in front of me. I feel uncomfortable about it, and I used to feel good — I think because when I was first reading it, I could feel the things happen as I read them, and I felt I was doing something real to help in the Gulf. So what’s the underlying belief? What I do is useless. Can I absolutely know that’s true? No. Its usefulness does not depend on my feelings of accomplishment. Even when I don’t feel effective, reading the prayer is valuable for its intention. How do I feel when I think that thought? Actually, I don’t think that thought, I look at the text of the prayer and feel a weight dragging me down and a pain in my heart. What’s happening is I think that I “should” read it and that makes the energy go all cramped. Before, I didn’t think I just did it. I think it’s the idea that I “should” that causes the discomfort. It’s like I told Bobbi — if you’re not feeling good about the meditations, just don’t do them. And I’ve seen that a lot of the pain and difficulty with the garden is forcing myself to go out and do something because I “should”. Is it really OK for me not to do things that I think I should?
Try Byron Katie’s four questions. It’s not OK to not do things I should do. Is it true? I don’t know. Can I absolutely know that it’s true? No. “It’s not OK to not do things I should do.” How does that make me feel? Confused. It makes my heart hurt not to do things I’d like to have done — or like to be able to do — like work in the garden. I feel like I’m a bad person when I refuse to do things like refill the hummingbird feeder. The first time I saw the bird I rushed out to do it. Today I saw it come, look at the feeder and fly away, and I just felt discouraged, too discouraged to do anything about it.

Reading in Resource I found: “thinking about what Guidance has said over & over:
SLOW DOWN: nothing is more important than my welfare
YOU ARE LOVED: thoroughly and completely
PHYSICAL RESULTS ARE NOT IMPORTANT
SUPPORT YOURSELF SO YOU CAN BE PRESENT
BREATHE, RELAX, YOU’RE DOING FINE

I told Lynelle I was struggling with “shoulds”, struggling with feeling I “should” fill the hummingbird feeder and I just can’t. She said she never feels that, she suggested I might miss the hummingbirds, which is true and brought tears.

Posted in Depression, Journal | Comments Off

Support

Posted on October 14, 2010 by jenny

(Written in May 2008)
Told Kevin I needed Somatic Experiencing work and he did a pretty good job. I talked about the feeling of being revved up that I’d had most of the weekend, & got reactivated by Kayla’s story of Jan getting stopped by the Border Patrol. So when I got to Kevin I was activated. I talked about what I was feeling, grabbed his fingers again for something solid to hang on to, talked about the family party and the babies and how the dads were involved and cried a lot. Finally we identified some inner infants — one who’s standing up and screaming “This is not OK,” and one who’s curled into a ball in the corner trying her best to disappear. He asked where the revved up feeling was — arms & shoulders, neck, and in front of my chest. He validated that that space in front of my chest is part of my body. I identified lots of tension in my neck & upper arms. Even allowing the scared & angry one to speak didn’t change the activation — what would help? A sudden vision of a protest march with banners & signs — I’m not alone! I’m not alone! Someone else cares enough to take action. Kevin asked where in my body did I not feel the activation. I was sitting cross legged on the table & felt my butt & thighs & that part of me felt soft & juicy & red & melting down onto the table. It felt so good I just stayed with it — yes, this is how a resource is supposed to work. Then my head & body wanted to fall forward, needed support, so we piled up the pillows again. This time it was a much more improvisational process. I’d keep looking up and talking and then putting my head down again and Kevin would insert pillows or folded cloth under my hands or elbows and I’d relax for a bit and then either feel some new discomfort, or have some bit of information bubble up to be expressed. Kevin talked about the importance of support — detailed, particular, accurate support — and it became really clear to me how little support I’ve experienced in my life.

Kevin Frank is an amazing body worker in Holderness, NH. See his website.

Posted in Somatic Experiencing | Comments Off

Meditation & Depression

Posted on October 13, 2010 by jenny

(Written in September 2010)
While driving I listened to “The Mindful Way through Depression.” He was talking about meditation and pointed out that there was no goal and no ‘right’ way to meditate. The point is the practice of knowing when your mind has wandered and bringing it back to the breath. I’ve heard it before, but this time I think I really got it. I’m going to set my timer for 10 minutes and “be with” my breath without a goal for that time.

“The Mindful Way through Depression.”

Posted in Depression | Comments Off

PTSD

Posted on October 12, 2010 by jenny

(Written in May 2008)
That state when my brain is “jammed”, circuits crossed. Helpless, baffled, frantic. This is PTSD — flashback to state of helpless baby. Remind. JAMMED. CIRCUITS CROSSED. Then — pay attention to feet on floor. Do something I can do — wash dishes, dance, walk dog. Curl up w book. DO NOT try to to “adult things.”
Talked to Karen about the Ya-Ya sisters and wishing my mother had had some life. Also told her about getting caught in that place of helpless/hopeless, and was reminded of that spasm of whatever it was — I still don’t have good words. It was like all of me was in spasm, body mind and spirit, all jammed into a place too small for it. Karen said “circuits crossed” which helped me identify it as traumatized brain. The core of it is “It’s my fault, and my best efforts to change it don’t work.” and it all goes back to a baby being ignored by her mother. Karen threw a pillow into the opposite chair and said “I think you need to talk to her.” So I told her what I thought of her, in a low firm voice. I called her a shit, a shriveled husk. She knew she was failing her children and she didn’t want to accept that so she drank.

Posted in Trauma | Comments Off

Affirmations

Posted on October 9, 2010 by jenny

(Written in January 2010)
Barbara suggested I write a set of affirmations and go through them every day. I realize that I always think of affirmations as being for the purpose of changing something, but they could also be true statements of positive things I know about myself.

I am committed to making the world a better place
My vision includes everything from the farthest galaxies to blue-green algae.
I love the Earth and all the beings she carries
I do my best to live in a way that’s sustainable
I am compassionate, especially when I see someone having a bad time
I am very intelligent
I give generously to causes I believe in
I built and endowed Neskaya, a place where many people have had positive and healing experiences
I work hard to heal the wounds from my childhood

(Elizabeth thought these were very solemn, and suggested some that are more fun)

I’m a good story-teller
Elizabeth loves me
I am creative
I am exuberant, outrageous and fun

Posted in Healing | Comments Off

Worldview

Posted on October 8, 2010 by jenny

(Written in December 2005)
I thought I might try to write a worldview or a set of beliefs that would help me be more patient and kinder to myself, and maybe even manage my life with more grace, ease, patience, and humor.

1) The physical world, conscious thoughts, and observable behavior are just the tip of the iceberg. There are many hidden energies, karmic, ancestral, local environmental, etc., that majorly affect and condition what we can see.

2) Humans are only part of a huge complex interlocking web of living and non-living beings, and our job is to be conscious stewards of the planet that is our home.

3) At the present time there is so much violence happening and so many negative emotions, that those who have incarnated for the purpose of working toward planetary transformation are finding it very heavy going. Those of us whose major work is transforming the human intellectual and emotional fields, who have chosen to be wounded themselves as a kind of training and preparation for the work, can be especially vulnerable to negativity. We are having to work very hard, attempting to transform all the despair and grief that many people are refusing to allow themselves to feel. This can be very draining on the physical level. There is also the difficulty that the work is not seen and honored by the culture. So we do not get the help and support we need from the people around us.

In this paradigm, I am working hard and effectively to help the planet that I love. My efforts to not give in to my own fear and despair, to live in a manner that does as little harm as possible, and to make soul-nourishing experiences available for a few people, have real and positive consequences.

Posted in Journal | Comments Off

Three Things

Posted on October 7, 2010 by jenny

(Written in August 2010)
When I got to Karen yesterday, I just cried. I said I was confused and discouraged and didn’t know what to do, had no way to know which technique was working to help me out of depression/scared. After a while Karen said she thought I was upset about the money, about how much the roof might cost, and the conflict between taking care of myself so I can live, and keeping Neskaya going so I’ll have a reason to live.
Yesterday I told god that I really need help if they want me to keep going. The fear is cold down the front of my chest, the fear of “I can’t take care of myself and I’ll die.” The basic rock bottom experience of my life. What is the point of going on? Dear God, if there’s something you want me to do, please let me know.

Be present with compassion as much as possible.
I don’t have to know what to do.
It’s OK to do nothing.
I have no idea what’s going to happen.
I don’t know if I will be able to deal with something until it actually happens.
My work to heal this traumatized fragment of the universe is meaningful.
I offer myself to this process.
Jalaja “passion, devotion, creativity and sweetness.” This is what I bring to the world
One day at a time.

Talking to Elizabeth, she told me that she had been listening to an old Angeles Arrien tape and she said something about the blessing way and 3 things you had to do every day. I googled & found it:

I love what indigenous peoples say. If you want the blessing-way to come into your family life or into organizations or communities or into the earth, there are three things that you must do every day: one is to set a sacred intention, two is to give gratitude, and three is to take a life affirming action every day. So those are all positive doorways of how to work, especially setting sacred intention or life-affirming action – is taking action on the intention. And then gratitude, just the practice of gratitude, keeps the heart open and wherever the heart is open in the human species there is more generosity and more capacity for giving and receiving love and expressing love.

Three things to do every day:
1) pray — set a sacred intention
2) Offer gratitude
3) do a life-affirming action

I can do these, even when depressed and terrified.

Angeles Arrien

Posted in Depression, Healing, Spirit, Trauma | Comments Off

Acceptance

Posted on October 6, 2010 by jenny

(Written in May 2008)
Started yesterday with a headache. I met Pat as I left Neskaya and she said she had a headache too and thought it was pollen. O yes pollen, that makes sense. That allowed me to accept the headache and it began to fade. I find this very frustrating. How often I create my own misery or make it worse by trying to get rid of something. And I’m not even aware that I’m doing it. Yesterday I was trying too hard to relax (to make the headache go away.) I was recently reading, from the early 80s, how I made a depression go away by accepting it. Knowing it’s not my fault, knowing it’s caused by something outside me, knowing it’s limited in time, these things allow me to accept: headache, depression, tiredness. Without clear evidence to the contrary, my default position is I’m doing something wrong, it’s my fault, and my best efforts to change it don’t work. I can see how this belief began in infancy, how it sabotaged my efforts to have relationships with men, and to be sexual with my husband. I feel very sad and angry at the waste of my life’s energy, of my passion, my commitment, my vision.

Posted in Depression, Healing, Trauma | Comments Off

Nurturing

Posted on October 5, 2010 by jenny

(Written in May 2008)
I went to Neskaya for potluck and women’s circle. We talked a lot about what activities nurture us. One of the things that became clear is it’s not always consistent, and the most important part is the capacity to be in the present with the activity, and be without a goal or agenda. Things on the list were meditation, dance, being in nature, good conversation with friends. Also housework (when done as meditation) and being with children. I didn’t mention typing up journals — that has more to do with keeping anxiety at bay — but sometimes it is nurturing. It’s the same for reading old journals. I realize that for me there’s a difference between comfort and nurture. When I’m triggered, I need comfort to be able to relax enough to take something in to the point that it can nurture me. Some activities can do both jobs — reading Elizabeth Goudge, being in nature. Circle Dance. Housework can only work when I’m already relaxed and able to be present to the present. (As opposed to being in shock, which is present to the frozen past or something like that.)

Posted in Healing | Comments Off

Guidance

Posted on October 4, 2010 by jenny

(Written in April 2008)
Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling very discouraged about the state of the world. Please help me.
Dear Jenny, we remind you that compassion does not disappear because people are short-sighted and entrenched power seeks to preserve itself. This has been going on since the beginning of the world. Your job is to be visionary, committed, and generous. To be a light on a mountaintop, showing that it’s possible for people to live together in peace, harmony and abundance. It’s not your job to grow food. If the worst happens: keep singing and dancing. If the worst happens: it’s OK to lie down & die. If the worst happens: you are safe in the hands of God and the planet that you love is safe in the hands of God. Creativity and generosity will not die. It’s who you are that matters, not what you do. Dear Jenny, relax. We love you.

Posted in Guidance, Spirit | Comments Off