PTSD

(Written in May 2008)
That state when my brain is “jammed”, circuits crossed. Helpless, baffled, frantic. This is PTSD — flashback to state of helpless baby. Remind. JAMMED. CIRCUITS CROSSED. Then — pay attention to feet on floor. Do something I can do — wash dishes, dance, walk dog. Curl up w book. DO NOT try to to “adult things.”
Talked to Karen about the Ya-Ya sisters and wishing my mother had had some life. Also told her about getting caught in that place of helpless/hopeless, and was reminded of that spasm of whatever it was — I still don’t have good words. It was like all of me was in spasm, body mind and spirit, all jammed into a place too small for it. Karen said “circuits crossed” which helped me identify it as traumatized brain. The core of it is “It’s my fault, and my best efforts to change it don’t work.” and it all goes back to a baby being ignored by her mother. Karen threw a pillow into the opposite chair and said “I think you need to talk to her.” So I told her what I thought of her, in a low firm voice. I called her a shit, a shriveled husk. She knew she was failing her children and she didn’t want to accept that so she drank.