(Written in June 2010)
Didn’t even have energy to write so I crawled back in bed. Had one wave of fear but I met it with acceptance and compassion and it faded. I think I did sleep for a while. I’ve been reading Byron Katie and wondering if it’s worth trying her process. The trouble is I think most of my stress and pain comes from the underlying physiology of post traumatic stress. It’s not cognitive at all.
The prayer from the Grandmothers about the Net of Light is sitting in front of me. I feel uncomfortable about it, and I used to feel good — I think because when I was first reading it, I could feel the things happen as I read them, and I felt I was doing something real to help in the Gulf. So what’s the underlying belief? What I do is useless. Can I absolutely know that’s true? No. Its usefulness does not depend on my feelings of accomplishment. Even when I don’t feel effective, reading the prayer is valuable for its intention. How do I feel when I think that thought? Actually, I don’t think that thought, I look at the text of the prayer and feel a weight dragging me down and a pain in my heart. What’s happening is I think that I “should” read it and that makes the energy go all cramped. Before, I didn’t think I just did it. I think it’s the idea that I “should” that causes the discomfort. It’s like I told Bobbi — if you’re not feeling good about the meditations, just don’t do them. And I’ve seen that a lot of the pain and difficulty with the garden is forcing myself to go out and do something because I “should”. Is it really OK for me not to do things that I think I should?
Try Byron Katie’s four questions. It’s not OK to not do things I should do. Is it true? I don’t know. Can I absolutely know that it’s true? No. “It’s not OK to not do things I should do.” How does that make me feel? Confused. It makes my heart hurt not to do things I’d like to have done — or like to be able to do — like work in the garden. I feel like I’m a bad person when I refuse to do things like refill the hummingbird feeder. The first time I saw the bird I rushed out to do it. Today I saw it come, look at the feeder and fly away, and I just felt discouraged, too discouraged to do anything about it.
Reading in Resource I found: “thinking about what Guidance has said over & over:
SLOW DOWN: nothing is more important than my welfare
YOU ARE LOVED: thoroughly and completely
PHYSICAL RESULTS ARE NOT IMPORTANT
SUPPORT YOURSELF SO YOU CAN BE PRESENT
BREATHE, RELAX, YOU’RE DOING FINE
I told Lynelle I was struggling with “shoulds”, struggling with feeling I “should” fill the hummingbird feeder and I just can’t. She said she never feels that, she suggested I might miss the hummingbirds, which is true and brought tears.