The Sexual War Zone

Posted on October 1, 2010 by jenny

(Written in April 2008)
I wondered if I were to just do writing practice if it would help with the toxicity — just keep the pen moving.  This is the fourth time this month…    A lot of tension in my shoulders & neck and in my stomach.  Hard to breathe.  What comes up?  Frustration.  I don’t know what’s causing it and none of the things I know how to do seems to help. …  And I haven’t made any art.     … and nothing to say.  But I can feel relaxation happening as I write.  Something’s draining out of every cell.  Even the breathing is easier.   …  Mind wandering off to people’s affairs — am I jealous?  Not really, I’m glad to be out of the fray.  Just reading in old journal 77 or 78 — “the sexual history of Jenny the bird” — what a shambles.  How I blamed myself for not being easy & open and then would get angry on my own behalf for allowing men to mistreat me because I believed I didn’t deserve any better.  All the longing and the fantasies.

What would I tell that girl now?  That it was not her fault — that she didn’t get good enough loving in infancy so she was desperate for physical contact — but she had been traumatized so her body couldn’t relax enough for sex to be easy — that she never found a man who knew how to be gentle and patient — and she was molested at age 12 by the father who made it clear that he found her unattractive — so what kind of message was that?  What she learned was that she didn’t deserve to be loved by a good man but only to be the plaything of men who couldn’t get a better woman.  God!  That’s what I believed about myself for so long.  And I have to forgive myself for not having done better in the sexual war zone.  I never had a chance, really, never had the luck to find the right man.  It’s a bad time to be a woman — a highly sensitive and very intelligent woman who was also traumatized.  Finding an equally sensitive, equally intelligent man who also had the sexual confidence and the skills to help her — just wasn’t possible.  And now I don’t care any more!!  Really free at last.

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Guidance

Posted on September 30, 2010 by jenny

(Written in April 2008)
Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling a bit bleak, a little concerned about money, a little sad from reading my journals.  Please help me.
Dear Jenny, we love you very much.  We are glad that you are able to see the great positive gifts you started with.  Because you were traumatized, you were unable to use them in a more conventional way.  Instead, the work you have done on yourself, on the human energy field, has been part of the invisible foundation and support for the Great Turning.  This is what matters.  You have done, and are doing, what you took birth for.  Keep on keeping on.  We are so proud of you.  And we remind you that a lot of the things you have done, the lives you have changed, has not been because you consciously tried to make something happen.  It’s been more in things like picking up the wasp at Kripalu, teaching Meaghan how to dance.  Without the accident of feedback, you have no way of knowing the extent and impact of what you have done.  Dear, you have truly been the change you want to see in the world.

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Somatic Experiencing

Posted on September 28, 2010 by jenny

(Written in January 2005)
The work I did with Brad was frustrating — I felt like I “hadn’t gotten anywhere”, but he thought it was good and when I told Eleanor, she thought it was good too.  Basically I started to get comfortable, and when I got uncomfortable and wanted to move, Brad suggested I imagine moving and see what happened.  Mostly, imagining was coming from my head.  I would feel an ease of tension, and then it would tighten up again.  Mostly in my neck & shoulders & jaw, also breathing.  Brad said we were trying to let involuntary things happen.  I got a few little jerks in my shoulders and legs, but that was all.  But I was able to get more comfortable with that awful state where I feel like I must do something but don’t know what to do and am waiting for some real impulse.  At the end Brad said “The point is to learn how to live from the inside, not the outside.”  This makes sense of the body sensation where the tension is like skin, like long underwear that is too tight — something from outside preventing me from moving, in contrast to the one where I was stretching and could feel it in the muscles.

(Written in February 2005)
Great session with Brad.  I put my hand to my neck again in that unconscious gesture so we spent some time with it.  It does feel like some kind of self-comforting, self support.  Then I had my hand on the left side of my neck and it began to feel like it was supporting my head.  Then I wanted to lie down so I did, left side down — I managed to get the pillow right on the first try and then I just lay there getting more and more comfortable — it was WONDERFUL.  It felt like layers and tiny pieces kept on settling and adjusting — I could feel little twitches, I also felt very rounded, like something melting or a bean bag sagging, could feel my rounded self sinking into the couch.  I stayed like that, exploring, enjoying, for the rest of the session.  I never got bored or felt stuck, there was always something happening.  All the sounds became part of the tapestry — it was like a good meditation.  Brad said instead of feeling invaded, I was able to be curious about them.  Afterward my neck felt very relaxed.

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Difficulty Letting Go

Posted on September 27, 2010 by jenny

(Written in January 2005)
Spent most of my time with Karen crying — tried really letting go of everything: Neskaya, Bella, Eleanor — I see that I’m always carrying responsibility in some way.  It’s not that I worry consciously — the sad thing is that I don’t actually do any good for these things that I care about, I drain my own energy to no purpose.  I see that my inability to let go is based on two very deep beliefs: that they can’t take care of themselves, and that there’s no higher power, spirit, god, no being bigger than I am who cares for them.  So if I let go, they will fall into outer darkness, chaos, the Void.  No wonder I can’t let go of something I care about.  O yes and I guess I’m also afraid that if I do the wrong thing, the beings that I love will be hurt or damaged somehow.  I can see that these beliefs are “wrong”, that I learned them growing up in an alcoholic family, but my faith in a higher power is shaky, weak, and intermittent.  I do at least have intellectual conviction — I didn’t use to have even that — that I can hold on to: that the Universe is founded in Love, that we are all held in a huge Compassion, that all things DO work together for good in spite of the chaos and suffering we see around us.  This I “know” in some way — how do I know it?  When I check with my body it’s that sense of a “floor”, of something under me that supports me, of my body as solid, weighty, and all-of-a-piece.

Asking myself how I “know”something, and that sense of a “floor” are new skills that I learned from Somatic Experiencing.  The “floor” especially, is a very new learning.  Before Somatic Experiencing, when I fell apart, I felt like the pieces all scattered, I was afraid that they would just fall into the Void, into Outer Darkness.  This is one of those things I wasn’t really aware of until it suddenly felt different: my image of “falling apart” now contains a “floor” that would catch the pieces.

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Guidance

Posted on September 23, 2010 by jenny

(Written in March 2007)
Woke afraid in the night, woke afraid & sweating in the morning.  It feels like there is a huge and hostile being waiting for me to make a mistake and punish/humiliate me.  My chest still hurts.  I feel dazed and stunned.  I wish I knew what set this off.  What’s most discouraging is dancing last night didn’t really help.
Lynelle said that this kind of global fear without context comes from infancy.  It also makes sense of the huge hostile implacable being.

Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m terrified.  I don’t know what triggered it and nothing I do makes any difference.  Please help me.
Dear Jenny, we love you.  You are dealing with another layer of trauma from infancy.  The cold hostile being who is walling out the rest of the universe is your cold, alcoholic, rejecting mother.  That feels like all there is because she was all there was when you were a baby.  But she’s really only a lost, damaged, immature, unconscious human being.  When you were a baby, she blotted out the universe.  But she is not the universe.  The real universe is founded in love and holds you in a vast compassion.  This vast compassion holds both you and your mom.  Let yourself rest there.  All shall be well and all shall be well.

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Guidance

Posted on September 20, 2010 by jenny

(Written in August 2010)
Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling pretty blue.  I don’t see any reason to keep going.  I’m tired of pulling against depression like a heavy weight.  Please help me.
Dear Jenny, we love you very much.  Bring some compassion to your low mood — yes, your life is very hard.  Kevin said it was a “severe practice” and this is true.  One reason to go on is simply holding a vision of compassion, embodying it, extending compassion to this person who feels so worthless and discouraged, who feels like nothing she does counts, who is bummed out about spending her life doing meaningless activities.  Dear Jenny, posting a blog is not meaningless, typing up your journal so you can share it is not meaningless.  Giving your friend a home and a car and emotional support is not meaningless.  Dear Jenny, today you are tired and depressed.  It is OK to rest and do “meaningless activities.” What is important and meaningful is to bring compassion to this woman who is so miserable, and doesn’t understand why, or what to do about it.  We love you, dear Jenny, let yourself take it in.

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Comforting the Baby

Posted on September 18, 2010 by jenny

(Written in February 2007)
Told Karen all about the confusions of last week and the terror of Saturday, and what Eleanor said about Brad’s leaving.  But really that’s all evaluation and analysis.  What’s in the moment is the terrified baby, freaked out, resisting, “THIS IS NOT OK!”  What does she need?  Someone to come and soothe her: “There there, no wonder you’re upset.  It was not OK that they left you all alone.” Calm, warm, accepting, reassuring.  “I’ll take you somewhere where you will be safe.”   But if I can’t manage that, I can at least remember to be present and to intend kindness.  If that’s the best I can do, then that’s the best I can do.

I’ve been able to say to the baby: “There, there, dear.  Of course you’re terrified.  It was not OK that they went away and left you.  I’m here now, and I’m not going to leave.” I had a momentary image of the baby turning toward me.  And there’s warmth in my heart that just comes and goes.  This is good!  It looks like just saying the words helps, even if I don’t feel/believe them.
I also notice that I did better yesterday after I had hurt myself and I was so disabled physically that there was no point in having any expectations of myself.  It’s much more comfortable.  But I don’t know if having no expectations of myself will let me get long term or big projects done.

Nancy Napier: “Each time you choose to deal with your feelings in healthy ways, to remove yourself from abusive situations, or to take some time to get in touch with the memories, feelings, thoughts, or body sensations associated with some past hurt, your inner strength increases.  You add to this foundation of strength every time you make the choice to reclaim your feelings, each time you acknowledge and own what happened to you and how it has affected your life.
“It’s also important to know that you can choose to have moments away from the healing process.  Healing goes on even if you’re having a good time doing something else, or a quiet time with a good book, or a blank time staring at the television set.  That deep place in your psyche, the part of you that always seeks to heal, carries on the process no matter what you’re doing.  It’s your decision to heal that matters.  Once that is made, the process carries itself along.”

Nancy Napier: Getting Through the Day

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No Firm Foundation

Posted on September 12, 2010 by jenny

(Written in February 2007)
I’m feeling precarious, a bit lost, a little scared, a little discouraged.  I feel like there is no firm foundation under me.  I try to let my weight down solidly on the couch, to let the couch hold me up.  I feel my shoulders start to hunch and let them go.  I can feel myself trying to hold myself “up out of” — up out of what?  my own experience?  I let go and feel the ache of discouragement around my heart.  I let myself sink down, I can feel my weight on the couch, but it also feels like everything is dissolving out from under me.  There’s no place to rest.  Can I accept my own experience?  Yes.  That helps.  Now there’s a spaciousness that can hold discouragement and lostness.

Feeling weak and shaky and fragile.  Took Bella to the vet to try to get a handle on why she’s peeing so much.  Vet thinks she may be dealing with an inflammation of the bladder.  Gave me a muscle relaxant.   But the uncertainty doesn’t help.  Driving back I felt like a small child — lost in a supermarket — desperate for someone older and wiser to rescue me and take charge.

Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling very scared and lost.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to take care of myself, and everyone will go away from me.  Please help me!
Dear Jenny, we are here, gathered all around you.  You are not alone.  The people who care about you will not leave you if you can’t take care of yourself.  It’s OK to let yourself rest on Spirit.  The Ocean of Compassion is real.  You are not lost, you are always in the hands of God, you are part of God.  It doesn’t matter if you “can’t take care of yourself.” It doesn’t matter if you do nothing.

I can trust myself to act with integrity.  I can trust that I am motivated by kindness and a desire to do good.  I can trust myself to strive to be present for whatever is going on with me.

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Collapsed Place

Posted on September 11, 2010 by jenny

(Written in February 2007)
In a Somatic Experiencing session I complained to Dave about the amount of time I spend in the collapsed (despairing, terrified) place versus the time spent feeling 3-dimensional and real and confident, he said the collapsed place is the “default” position, one I have learned through years of experience, it’s familiar and easy to fall into.  The other place is not so solid or easy to get to, but I am beginning to spend more and more time there compared with ten years ago.  He gave me the image of a slide going down — no effort — and a ladder climbing up — requires effort.

I told Karen about the time Eleanor said she couldn’t have a gas stove in the apartment I was building for her and I collapsed.  Karen asked me to see the collapse in slow motion.  I described it as being like those figures on a base, limbs strung together with string, and when you push up on the bottom the whole figure collapses like a house of cards.  When it’s all collapsed, what does it need?  This was hard, because the collapsed place is also the baby’s place, I can’t do it from inside, there is no inside. Exploring it more, I see that the baby is terrified because her survival is at stake, she’s got to DO something, so it’s not OK to be collapsed.  But what is needed by the collapsed one is to really get it that it’s OK to be collapsed, that it’s not the end of the world.  What works best is if some form of validation comes from outside.  Kayla has done this for me, and Lynelle, and most recently, Ellen.  Sometimes Guidance works, often past guidance works.  Also, reminding myself of the non-traumatized world view: the Universe is benevolent, life is meaningful, and the self is worthy.  I need a series of affirmations.

It’s OK to be collapsed.
It’s OK to not know.
It’s OK to do nothing.
Spirit has a plan, just as I am I am part of it.
The Universe is benevolent, Life is meaningful, the self is worthy.
I have worthwhile work to do, that’s what I was meant to do, that helps the  world I love.

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Pain in my Heart

Posted on September 10, 2010 by jenny

(Written in February 2007)
This pain in my heart — is it resistance to life when life wants to break in and?  what?

Yesterday I tried to investigate it, be curious about it, and it did seem to keep changing.  And I did get to a quiet place — I don’t think I could call it “peace” — it was too precarious.  This morning I found myself singing “Peace I ask of thee O river” and it felt so naïve and innocent, from a time when life was simple, and the wounding not so complex.  “Strength to lead and faith to follow…” but there isn’t any one to follow — I’m in the position of leader by default — and all I really want to do is get through the day.  Life feels like a grim business, constant struggles to keep going.  Struggle to get up —— actually yesterday, after that first struggle, I was able to just do what had to be done (dump, etc) and read in between.  But I couldn’t call it “peace.” Peace would mean being able to truly relax, in the faith that I was held and sustained by something bigger than myself, and that everything was ultimately going to be OK, and that something terrible was not going to happen, if I just relaxed and did nothing more.
“Spirit is in charge and Spirit has a plan in which there is a place for a creature as wounded as I am…”

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