jennydeupree.com

(Written in January 2008)
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling sad and discouraged: about the losses of my life, about the state of the world, about my lack of energy that keeps me from taking action to support the things I care about.  Please help me.
Dear Jenny, relax.  We love you.  Yes there is much suffering in the world, and yes, people need to take action.  But there is a time for action, and a time for rest.  You are badly depleted from a long hard struggle, a struggle that has taken your whole life.  You have fought for healing, for truth, for peace and justice and sustainability.  You have done your best to live a life that supports your deepest values.  You do not need to do more than you are already doing.  And right now, you need to find a way to rest and renew, to nurture yourself.  You have lived a life as darkened by war and oppression as any life in the war-torn areas of the planet.  You have fought hard, and received too little validation for your courage and strength, and your achievements in overcoming the wounds and oppressive conditioning of your childhood.  We suggest that you gather good stories about your struggle, like the ones you shared with Kevin, and the “tough little drip that just wouldn’t quit.” Relax.  Feast on your life.  It is OK to rest and take care of yourself.  Others, many others, seen and unseen, are carrying on the fight for peace, justice and sustainability.  You are not alone.

For “tough little drip” see post for March 17, 2010

(Written in December 2005)
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m really feeling as bad as I’ve ever felt about myself and my life.  Please help me.
Dear Jenny, this is clinical depression.  It’s not who you really are.  Hang on. You’ve raised the medication and it will work, it just takes time.  The person you really are is the one you were last fall when you felt good about yourself and your life, you had enthusiasm for daily living and you enjoyed it.  This is possible again.  Remember how your friend Rose Marie flew from New York and rented a car to come do healing work with you — she thought you were worth that much effort.  And your friend Kathi who came and sat with you in the hospital because she needed your presence in her life.  There are many people who love you, you just can’t take it in right now.  Don’t make yourself wrong for this.  Just keep on going: doing the daily chores, getting out with the dog on snowshoes, dancing when you can.  You WILL come out of this.

Observation without evaluation.  Here’s this woman, born with a highly sensitive nervous system and traumatized in infancy.  There is also, probably, an inherited predisposition to depression.  The combination of high sensitivity and trauma means that her internal state is variable, vulnerable, volatile.  She is easily thrown off balance by small happenings, she can be triggered into extreme anxiety or profound depression by relatively normal events (people getting upset, something breaking, people leaving, dog being sick). She is not robust and stable but knocked about by every little wind that blows.  Every day is a struggle to just keep going, managing food and other chores, keeping up her commitments.

(Written in July 2007)
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling baffled and frustrated.  I need to feel connected to a sense of my life’s meaning and its larger context.  Please help me.
Dear Jenny, we love you.  Can you feel our love surrounding you?  We are delighted that you are beginning to show the outrageous and exuberant side of yourself, that you are able to feel good about being that way instead of the old shame and fear.  This is the artist who builds play spaces and invites others to join her in having fun while connecting with important parts of living like community and nature and the natural cycles.  You make possible a very powerful and needed experience for people in this period of history.  In this light, practical difficulties are marginal and trivial.  They won’t stop you from doing your work.  Nourish yourself by dancing, gardening, do more mandalas with the watercolor crayons.  We love you!
Thank you.

(Written in December 2006)
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits.  I’m feeling completely discouraged and without hope.  I’m too tired to keep fighting.  Please help me.
Dear Jenny, we are all gathered around you loving you.  Your friends love you too.  Many people love you and would be very distressed if you died.  It’s OK for you to stop “trying”, it’s OK to stop “fighting”.  This is a passage, you will get through it.  All you need to do is keep practicing being in the present, and keep practicing loving kindness.  The most important thing is having compassion for yourself.  You have a right to be angry that you have worked so hard for so little reward.  It’s not that there is anything deficient about how hard you have worked.  It’s the nature of the job, that the rewards appear small.  Healing trauma takes a long time and has to be done in manageable bits.  Because you are one of the first to be doing this work, you are changing an energy pattern for your whole species, not just for yourself.  This is why the rewards seem so small, it’s like you were dragging 1000 people with you at every step.  This does not mean that you need to keep “fighting.” Just practice being present as best you can.  Taking time off by reading escapist books is OK.  We love you, and we honor you for all your hard work.