jennydeupree.com

What Might Help

Posted on August 20, 2010 by jenny

January 2006
I realized this morning that the search for the right dose of the right medication may take a long time, in which case I’ll have to live with depression for quite a while. So I’ve let go of my hope of getting better quick, tho I still have hope of getting better eventually. So I’m feeling a very little better, more solid, not so freaked out.

Sent 1/9/06
Dear Jesse,

I’m sorry to tell you that I’m not doing very well. After feeling better in the fall — I was doing well enough to go off my anti-anxiety medication — I plunged down into as bad a depression as I’ve ever had. My best guess at a cause is that my Somatic Experiencing therapist, with whom I’ve been doing the healing trauma work, has gone to the west coast for 6 months. I raised my medication nearly two weeks ago, but it hasn’t worked yet. It’s possible that after 8 years Imipramine isn’t working for me any more. The idea of looking for another medication is scary – I had a very bad experience the first time (what happened to me on Paxil was literally traumatizing I understand now) and the worst is having to wait several weeks to see if any medication will work. I have a call in to another S.E. practitioner, and I can also go back to the man I was seeing in Concord, and that will probably help. But I’m feeling very discouraged at the moment.

If you want to help, little notes with kind words would be supportive. I’m not answering the phone because I tend to burst into tears very easily. I’ve had too many experiences of calling for help and getting invalidated by people who mean well. Please DON’T give me advice, it’s usually something I’ve already tried, or else makes me feel like here’s another assignment I’m failing at. Please don’t tell me any new age bullshit like “You create your life” or “You’re choosing to be depressed”. Such comments make me literally want to die. Don’t tell me about any books you think I should read, unless they’re a first person account of someone dealing with depression. (Julian Simon’s book was a big help, but only on the cognitive level.) What I need is people to say “I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. I hope you feel better soon. I care about you.”

Sorry to send bad news, I hope it doesn’t bring you down.

It hardly seems possible but I’m feeling better. Accepting that I might be depressed for weeks seems to have been what was needed. It blows me away. I started writing a letter to my brother Jesse and I think it functioned as observation without evaluation, which also seemed to help — I started feeling better while I was writing.

Good Mood by Julian Simon is a book I found very helpful, though only on the cognitive aspect of depression. It’s one Jesse recommended.

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Guidance for help in depression

Posted on August 17, 2010 by jenny

Woke up this morning feeling pretty depressed. This has been going on for about a week with no obvious cause. I’m really discouraged.

Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling completely bummed out, see no reason to go on, have no idea what to do. Please help me.
Dear Jenny, you know this is about brain chemistry and something that happened to you in the past. Your feelings are not telling you the truth about who you are and what your life it. We remind you of the Dalai Lama’s prayer: “May everything I do today be for the benefit of all beings.” Just having this intent makes a difference, it doesn’t matter what you do. Just doing jigsaw puzzles & computer solitaire with this intent is good enough. Hang on dear. You have been better in the past and will be better in the future. You don’t need to know what to do, nor do you need to do something different, for your emotional health to improve. It’s OK to let go & stop trying. Remember that we love you. Breathe, relax, you’re doing fine.

I read a horrifying statistic in a pamphlet about depression: 54% of the people in this country think depression is a weakness. No wonder I get angry at myself for being depressed and that just fuels the self-defeating cycle.
Dear folks who are out there reading this blog, if it’s helping you at all, it would really help me if you let me know. Thanks.

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Dialogues with Little Jenny

Posted on August 14, 2010 by jenny

(Written in January 2007)
Leaving for Kripalu today. Woke early, a little scared. Prayed for help and took a Buspar. Yesterday I had lots of times of “blind terror” when I just couldn’t think.

ME: Little Jenny, we’re going to Kripalu today. That’s good because they will take care of all the food. Is there anything you need today?
LITTLE: take some art materials and the guidance notebooks. I’m glad food will be taken care of. That will be easier for you.
ME: Thank you. That makes me feel all warm inside. Anything else you need?
LITTLE: just keep checking in with me — that makes me feel safe.

I’m feeling scared, but it’s not too bad. That feeling of hollow vibrating in my chest, tension coming up the outside of my neck. There’s a feeling of blankness, as tho I’m facing into a strong wind, or something cushiony but tight pressed against the front of my body. Breathing helps ease it.

At Kripalu. Woke up with that odd feeling. The best I can do is describe it as flat, my heart feels flat, I feel one-dimensional. I don’t feel scared, or depressed. I do feel flat and disconnected. When I think of my friends or my dog, I feel a dull ache, no softening. Well, maybe I can soften around it. Yes, now I’m getting that this is a child who’s been abandoned so long that she’s in complete withdrawal — curled up in the fetal position and waiting to die — as Susan Anderson describes how she was in the hospital when her parents mistakenly left her for 3 days. What I can do is sit with her and share her pain. Some cracks develop in my heart, or in its icy casing. I welcome pain, it’s living. The cramped feeling in my stomach has eased so I can breathe.
In the dining room with a proper cup of tea. Too noisy in the cafe.

Good morning Little Jenny, how are you today?
L.J. I like the quiet. I like Jack Kornfield. I have trouble with all those people talking so loudly and fast.
ME So do I. I think this would be a better place to have morning tea, and I’ll try to protect you from noise and from rushing around — and I won’t be making noise or rushing around.
L.J. Good. I feel safer when you’re calm.
ME O Little Jenny I do love you (and my heart softens — I see the picture of Little Jenny with the Dar Gorani look and I just want to hug and comfort her.) Can I give you a hug?
L.J. YES!

“Little Jenny with the Dar Gorani look” was named by a circle dancer who saw this photograph. Dar Gorani is a dance choreographed to Armenian music, using traditional Armenian gestures. We also call it the “prayer to the lost homeland” because it’s about being driven out of your home, and looking back to its beauty, and forward to the hope that you will be able to create a new home. In this picture I see a child who knows that somewhere out there is a better way to live, but where she is right now there is just the pain of not really being seen and supported by her alcoholic parents.

Posted in Circle Dance, Depression, Healing | Comments Off

Journey from Abandonment to Healing

Posted on August 13, 2010 by jenny

(Written in January 2007)
I’ve been reading a book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Armstrong, and finding it extraordinarily helpful. She talks about childhood abandonments as well as divorce and adult breakups. She describes five stages and gives exercises for working with them.
Stage One is Shattering, Shock, and she recommends a practice of staying in the present. She validates that the present itself can be extremely painful and then paying attention to present sensory details will help.
Stage Two is Withdrawal, which she describes as facing the reality that you are utterly alone: “like the baby chick without its shell, still wet, facing the world without its protective cover.” This is pretty exactly what I’ve been feeling lately: the awful cold, the sense of there being no safe place to go and hide. The recommended exercise is dialogue between your child self and your adult self, both seen as separate from yourself.

BIG: Hey, Little, what do you need today?
LITTLE: I want to paint.
BIG: Good, we’ll do that right after breakfast. Anything special you want to paint?
LITTLE: I like the stamps, I’d like to do a picture of me where the anger grows at the bottom and supports me against the terror.
BIG: OK. We’ll do that. What are you feeling today?
LITTLE: Scared
BIG: Scared of anything in particular?
LITTLE: being left all alone
BIG: I’m here and I’m not leaving. My intention is to always be there for you, at least be with you even when I can’t help with the pain. At those times I’m sharing it. And I have left you in the past, getting caught in activities of trying to change the external stuff. I’m sorry for those times, and I’ll try to do better.
LITTLE: That helps. I feel a little stronger and warmer now.

Posted in Healing, Interesting link, Trauma | Comments Off

Viktor Frankl

Posted on August 12, 2010 by jenny

(Written in January 2007)
I’ve been reading Viktor Frankl “Man’s Search for Meaning.” His description of the experience of prisoners in the Camps is painfully resonant with an abusive childhood — all the dehumanizing practices — the brutality, the unfairness, the unpredictability, the refusal to acknowledge the prisoner as human. Reminds me of that hideous book mother had about how a child’s will must be broken. Horrifying. But so far I’ve found his comments about having to find meaning in the suffering helpful. In the suffering not in denial of it. Some people found meaning in their unfinished work, or a person they loved — and this helped them hold on. Interestingly, one thing that helped Frankl was imagining the work he would do describing the psychological effects of experience in the camps. But really, the only one that works for me is the understanding that by bearing my suffering with dignity I am helping bear the suffering of the world.

Viktor Frankl: “As each situation in life represents a challenge to man and presents a problem for him to solve, the question of the meaning of life may actually be reversed. Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word each man is questioned by life, and he can only answer to life by answering for his life; to life he can only respond by being responsible. Thus logotherapy sees in responsibleness the very essence of human existence.” p109
OR: “As each situation in life represents a challenge to me and presents a problem for me to solve, the question of the meaning of life may actually be reversed. Ultimately, I should not ask what the meaning of my life is, but rather I must recognize that it is me who is asked. In a word each of us is questioned by life, and we can only answer to life by answering for our lives; to life I can only respond by being responsible. Thus logotherapy sees in responsibleness the very essence of human existence.”

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Cold Intellectual Place

Posted on August 11, 2010 by jenny

(Written in January 2007)
Bad morning. Woke up feeling nauseous and in that cold detached place. Trying to think who this cold intellectual place could be (what an odd phrasing!) I think it’s the five-year-old. She’s fed up with a life of denial, lies, and pretense. She can’t see that feeling emotions, pretending to love, or trying to get love, do any good. All she gets is insults, exploitation and neglect. No wonder she’s fed up. No wonder she’s retreated into a place where she won’t have to feel any emotions, and she won’t get involved. “What good is feeling compassion? It just leads to pain, and baffled helplessness because you can’t change the situations where people are suffering.”
“I choose to be compassionate, because I believe that compassionate witnessing does relieve suffering. And I believe that we are all in this together, that trying to isolate oneself is against truth, and that the pain of isolation is as great as any of the other pains.”
“I don’t agree. I’d rather be isolated and avoid pain. You won’t get me to feel compassion.”
“I’m not interested in changing you. I support you in taking care of yourself in the best way you know. and I will sit here with you and experience/witness your feelings.”

Lynelle came in to talk about the driving conditions. I told her about the cold intellectual place I was in. She said “Too much pain” and I could feel things crack and soften in my heart.

Posted in Depression, Trauma | Comments Off

Traumatized World View

Posted on August 9, 2010 by jenny

(Written in January 2007)
Woke scared. I say to myself “This is a trauma based world view.” I say “everything’s gonna be all right.” I say “Mother is dead, she can’t hurt you now.”
Saw Dave yesterday for Somatic Experiencing. I think I got caught in being afraid I was doing it “wrong.” I felt so weak and wimpy when I got home, I just ate lunch, but couldn’t get myself to go out with the dog. I started reading Guidance ‘04 to comfort myself. It really helped! Especially the reminder of the traumatized world view: the Universe is Malevolent, Life is Meaningless, and the Self is Unworthy. O yes, that’s exactly how I felt. So then I reminded myself that I don’t believe that. I may get caught in feeling it, but I really believe that the Universe is Benevolent, Life is Meaningful, and the Self is Worthy. So then I began to feel better and went out with the dog (& walked to the new culvert) and did errands downtown.

In Common Shock, Kathy Weingarten defines the trauma based world view. She says a child brought up with “good enough” parents will have as a foundation the deep belief that the World is Benevolent, Life is Meaningful, the Self is Worthy. Trauma breaks this sense of safety, for the traumatized person suddenly the World is Malevolent, Life is Meaningless, and the Self is Not Worthy. I have found these concepts really helpful as you can see here. The book has a lot to say about the trauma that happens to people witnessing another’s trauma: Emergency Room people, Police, EMTs, etc.

Common Shock : Witnessing Violence Everyday by Kathy Weingarten

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More About Jenny

Posted on August 8, 2010 by jenny

Just got back in touch with an old friend and referred her to my blog to see what’s been happening with me. I checked my “About Jenny” page on this blog, and found that it ends in 2006 with me feeling “better than I’ve ever felt in my life.” It’s a little misleading since it implies that I stayed better. I’ve been through at least two huge rounds of trying to get off the medication, falling apart and struggling to get back to OK. The most recent bout started in the summer of 2008 when I was feeling a lot better, and wanted to live more of my life than I had been able to. I tried to do too much (a drama project, dance camp, teaching dances to a group in the southern part of the state with some musician friends, and a visit to a friend’s birthday party) at the same time I was lowering my medication under the illusion that the thyroid boost had cured my depression. I got totally exhausted and fell apart. My psychiatrist put me on a new, more expensive medication which later turned out to be making me nauseous, and then took a leave of absence without giving me someone else to turn to. It turned out to be a good thing, because my emotional anchor therapist put me in touch with a Doctor who was meticulous and patient about working with medication. The tricky part for me about dealing with PTSD is I can be triggered into severe depression or severe anxiety, and get fooled into thinking there’s something wrong with the meds. Dr. Seigle was so patient, and I learned to be patient too. He finally got me on a combination of medications that works. I tried changing it and discovered very quickly that that didn’t work. So I’ll stick with what I have now. A lot of this blog, the entries from 2008 and 2009 refer to this huge cycle in my life.
One big change since 2006 was that then, when I was feeling good about myself, it was my functional self, my talented, outrageous, creative, energetic self that I felt good about. I thought that was the “real me” and the depressed one was not the “real me.” I’ve learned to accept ALL of myself, both the energetic and creative part of me, and the terrified baby part of me. I always felt some sort of push to prove that I deserved to live — that’s part of what pushed me to do too much when I was “feeling good.” Now, at last, the old push push push is gone. I can feel good doing “nothing”, I can enjoy ordinary life doing ordinary things with ordinary people.

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Guidance

Posted on August 7, 2010 by jenny

(Written in January 2006)
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m having a pretty hard time. I did the morning chores – wash dishes, haul wood, fill birdfeeders – with an ache in my heart, a lump in my throat, tears behind my eyes. Please help me.
Dear Jenny, you’ve been in worse places than this and you have come out of them. This stony emptiness that you feel really belongs to your mother. This is what she felt when you were a baby and your father was away at war. She only knew how to “put a good face on it,” to be upbeat and cheerful when others were around. No one had ever taught her how to face and be with her own pain. So she repressed it, denied it, and medicated it with alcohol. When she was alone with you she allowed herself to collapse in tears and demand love and comfort from you — you were just a baby, you had no idea what was going on, you did your best, but no one had loved or comforted you. You were too small to say and do what your mother needed. Other times she was irritable and got angry or ignored you. She paid no attention to your needs but only to her own. So you learned that your own needs were not important, that you were bad to have needs, that your job was to make things OK for the people around you. This is a very poor foundation for being able to live creatively and authentically. You were also dealing with post-traumatic stress and a family karma of failure to mourn losses. Despite this severe wounding, you have managed to do a lot of good in your life. You have never intentionally harmed anyone but yourself. You have gone out of your way to support people you care about. You have done your best to live lightly on the earth. You have contributed money and energy to causes you believe in. Dear Jenny, this is not a wasted life!
I’m so confused, I don’t know what to do.
It’s OK to do nothing. It’s OK to read Brother Cadfael for 30 min and then go up and paint for 30 min. Courage! We love you.

Well, I’m back to wanting to die. I was trying to read but my heart ached so badly and the words didn’t mean anything. I think I’ve lost my hope that the medication is going to make a difference. Why bother to go up and paint?

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Reading Old Journals

Posted on August 6, 2010 by jenny

(Reading early Journals 1968 – 1975 Written in March 2008)
I’m still feeling a little strange. It could be from reading through my old journals. I’ve been reading through the breakdown in Davis and coming back to Maine. Mostly desperate outpourings of misery. Not much hard data. Lots of evidence for post-traumatic stress. Maybe it’s that I feel no wish to try to communicate with her — she is so lost and floundering, and there are so few cues to who she really is. And her analysis of what’s going on inside her seems to me now to be wildly off base and useless. She’s so disconnected from everything. Desperately wanting to be rescued, and so unbelieving of rescue that she’s trying to create a world inside of herself where she can live.

I’ve been reading the City of the Solstice (1970) and it’s staggering. Descriptions of my experience in California alternate with fantasy work on “the Company of Thirteen” and “the Bible of the Future”, and with passages graphically describing the depression and terror of PTSD. Because I’m so depressed I think the writing is clumsy and boring, but it’s not. It’s plain and simple and direct, without the literary and poetic flourishes that characterize my earlier writing. I like it now. And the fantasies express needs for community, for friends I can talk to, for cosmic connection, for meaning. I’m desperately lonely, and at the time I thought it was because I was defective and worthless, but now I can see that it was simply that I was too different, too intelligent, too far out in my thinking. The people that I can actually carry on a good conversation with are rare.

I’ve finished reading Mandala — written my first year in Brunswick. (1975) It’s fascinating and discouraging. I am so wise — I see things so clearly on the intellectual level. But I haven’t a prayer of putting them into practice. Tho I haven’t a clue about that yet. I can see how that might lead to chronic depression — to have so many good ideas and be unable to enact them in reality. To be so ineffective. All the pieces of my life are there: the Terror, the Depression, the struggle with low energy and blaming myself for it, the times of blazing energy and creativity. I wish I had put in more details of daily life.

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