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Reading Old Journals

Posted on August 5, 2010 by jenny

(Reading early Journals 1959 – 1967 Written in March 2008)
I started reading the Mimi Diary last night — got through all the early writings to Collision with California. O my. What a romantic teenager living in an impossible fantasy realm of heights and depths and deserts. There’s hardly any contact with the real world. The writing is so emotional, poetic and allusive. It’s very hard to tell what’s really happening. Emotions are overblown, but beautifully expressed. Then there’s a lot of intellectualizing, somebody writing about ideas who simply doesn’t have enough life experience to fully understand what she’s writing about. I can see the legacy of alcoholic parents, trauma, and neglect. There’s a quality that reminds me of mother — hard to find words: oversimplified, clichéd, sentimental — example: “For God is high above this earth and beast is only clay”. It’s interesting to note the importance of the quote from Marx: “Man must prove the truth, the reality and power, of his thinking in practice.” That quote was my compass in the fog.
One tremendous thing is I’m able to read all this old writing (Mimi Diary) without judgement. I used to writhe with embarrassment, or get sparked into anger or justification. Now I just feel sad, huge sadness for that poor lost child. She obviously has great gifts, of intelligence, passion, creativity, eloquence, and she isn’t really able to use them at all, she’s floundering in a swamp, unable to focus or channel herself in any effective direction. What a waste!
It does remind me of that journal of Mother’s I read: full of idealistic sentiments. Yes, that’s the word: idealistic. Idealistic and romantic and sentimental.

Still reading from my California days. It’s fascinating and painful. In the middle of semi-hysterical poetic outpourings will be a well articulated mini-essay on parents and children, or relationships. I have no quarrel with any of the ideas I wrote, they still seem correct to me. The hard part was putting them into practice. And always the undertow of self-hate that continually sabotaged my efforts.

Read through the “Year of the Ship” which got me from Fred to Davis. My hysterical descriptions of panic, etc sound like PTSD. From infancy because no flashbacks to any recognizable context.

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One Wild and Precious Life

Posted on August 4, 2010 by jenny

(Written in August 2005)
I was thinking about the line from Mary Oliver: “what will you do with your one wild and precious life?” and how it always makes me feel bad, like I have wasted mine. Well, have I wasted it? I think she’s talking to people who’ve lived small conventional lives, lives of denial. And what about lives of greed and power and cruelty? If my life has been narrow, if I’ve failed to live as wide and wild and courageous and generous and creative a life as I would have liked to, and as I think I had the talent and capacity for, it’s not because I was weak and cowardly but because I was up against major damage I couldn’t even see. And I have taken a stand for truth, for justice, for peace, I have fought against oppression, I have spoken out for the disadvantaged. I have devoted money time and energy to good causes. I have supported friends, sometimes at cost to myself. I have done my best to love unconditionally and to live with integrity.

(Written in May 2006)
It’s hard to hold the sadness — because I don’t think I have “good reason” for it. So I’m slightly angry/disappointed, slightly invalidating. “I wanted so much and I never got any of it.” “I’m capable of living passionately, and never got the opportunity.” What have I done with my one wild and precious life? I’ve labored hard in a narrow but deep field. I’ve done my best to love what’s been given me, to create beauty, to create nourishing experiences for the soul. A lot of passion has gone into working to heal myself, to heal others, to understand, to find compassion. A lot of passion has gone into fighting pollution and injustice, has gone into efforts to make the world a better place.

(Written in July 2006)
I got out the 1991 journal because there were some references to Perelandra in the beginning of the year. I was hoping to find something about my first experiences with the MAP program – but I must have written that in a different notebook and I destroyed all those pages a while ago. There was a lot going on: Journey into Courage, I was seeing Doug for Process work, struggling with depression and terror. I’m surprised at the intensity and passion with which I wrote. It doesn’t sound like the grey depressed life I’ve been imagining. On the other hand, there’s a lot of pain and struggle. There are also learnings that I think I’ll be able to act on right away. I’m working with the issue of trying to keep rigid control over myself and seeing that a looser, more open way would be healthier, if scary. My first sense on reading my enthusiastic writing about this new learning is discouragement — God! I keep learning the same damn things over and over. But I see now that intellectual learning is only the beginning. Learning how to let go of rigid control and allow the pieces to find their own way is a long process, it has to gradually sink in, penetrate and loosen and change layer after layer. In 1991 I had no idea how strong were the forces holding the rigid systems in place.

Reading 1991 is fascinating and painful. Detailed descriptions of dreams, of process work with Doug, of the breathwork group. I’m not reading every word — partly seeing how much effort I’m putting into intellectual understanding, which doesn’t change the important things at all. I’m not yet on medication — not even considering it, I have no idea about the Post-traumatic Stress or the low thyroid — and I’m fighting as hard as I can. I have a lot more respect for myself, for my strength and persistence. What did you do with your one wild and precious life? I fought like a demon against the forces of oppression. Not a wasted life at all.

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Lammas

Posted on August 1, 2010 by jenny

In the wheel of the sacred year, I think of the solar holidays, the equinoxes and solstices, as providing a basic framework. They are about the relationship between dark and light, day and night. The Cross Quarter Days are determined by the dance of the sun and moon. When the sun rises on the horizon at a place marked by the moon, we celebrate Beltane, Samhain, Imbolc and Lammas. Samhain represents the freeing of spirit from matter, which is why it has come down to us with ghosts and goblins and skeletons as traditional garb. Beltane, when we wind the maypole, is a celebration of how the bare trees put on foliage, how the bare ground produces plants, and how Spirit creates a body for itself. So my understanding of the Cross-Quarter Days is they celebrate the dance of Spirit and Matter. It wasn’t until someone with a birthday at the beginning of August, asked me about that holiday, that I gave it some more thought. Lammas means Loaf Mass, a celebration of the first fruits of the agricultural year. It’s an obvious Christianization of the older Celtic Holiday Lughnasad, a celebration of the god Lugh. I had understood him as a god of fire and the arts & crafts, but it turns out that the solar designation comes from the Victorians. (See Wikipedia for more details) The beginning of August is in Leo, Fixed Fire. From these hints I thought “What happens to Spirit and Matter at this time?” Analogous to the firing of pottery and the baking of bread I saw that matter that was malleable is now fixed in form. In May, Spirit incarnates in matter, the artist gathers his materials. In August, matter becomes fixed, the work of art takes its final form. So, in November, Spirit has to break the form to be set free for something new. So if there is a change in Matter in August, what happens at Imbolc, the opposite holiday in February? The name comes from the Celtic word for ewe’s milk. It’s also called the “Quickening of the Year”. From these hints I began to understand that Imbolc at the beginning of February celebrates a change in the state of Spirit, a new inspiration. So I saw in the Cross Quarter Days the cycle of creativity. A new vision is born at Imbolc, gathers material in Beltane, the form is fixed at Lughnasad, and broken at Samhain.
Today at Neskaya we will celebrate Lammas with Fire Dances and Harvest Dances. One I especially like to do is Issos, an ancient Greek dance, in which our feet draw the pattern of the head of wheat. I also like to do the Cantique de Jean Racine which has gestures symbolic of the gathering of energy, formation of seed, growth into bud and blossom, and the blossom opening fully and letting the petals fall.

For more information on the sacred year

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Positive Feedback

Posted on July 31, 2010 by jenny

(Written in April 2008)
Just now, talking to Nada, I told her her work with the most damaged people (mental hospital in the South Bronx) is helping to change the human energy field. She said she loved talking to me. It’s so extraordinary to be valued for who I am and for what I’ve done — building Neskaya, collecting the books — in my journey to heal myself. I still can’t quite get it — it’s like every time I say or do something outrageous — the outrageous part of me has been coming out without fear since the Bacci workshop — I get affirmed. Laura & Nada told me yesterday that my dramatic abilities are wonderful and should be used. What???? “How can this be?” Now I know (or think I know) what Mary felt like at the annunciation. Maybe that’s where all the energy is coming from.

I had experiences all weekend of people affirming and praising me. For my generosity, for my collection of books, for my knowledge of so many odd subjects. I can’t find words for the disjunct — I still expect – the expectation is embedded in my cells – to be made wrong for what they are welcoming and celebrating. I’m no longer blocking it out, I’m almost able to let it come in. Told Kevin and he said “I hear you saying ‘Does anybody see me?’” Yes, exactly. It took a tribe of mature women, who had been seeking and asking, and who had lots of life experience to be able to see and rejoice in what you have to offer.

Karen helped a lot. She said the reason I couldn’t take in the praise & validation was because I had no framework to put it in. At least I could hear it. At least I wasn’t frightened, or ashamed, or in denial, or trying to hide. But when I try to take it in there’s just a huge blank empty space — no pigeon holes, no structure to help me absorb it. Not like Judy calling me her “dance-mother”, and then being able to understand that Meaghan is my “dance-daughter” and the women from Virginia who came to DB camp were my dance-grand-daughters. The kinship structure is in place for understanding what that means, and produces feelings of satisfaction and fulfillment.

We just had the second weekend of Laura Shannon’s training in Women’s Traditional Dances. It was warm enough the first afternoon — and the snow had melted enough to uncover part of the outside dancing circle — so we went outside and danced around the firepit. Laura taught us a Bulgarian song, sung by two groups of women so the parts overlap, and we danced a simple Pravo Oro in basketweave. Just our voices for music and a simple dance and trees and grass and sky. I entered a timeless realm, and the only words I could find for my experience were “we’ve been doing this for thousands of years.” Later I had an image of a huge woven container, sort of like an oriole’s nest, open at the top. Woven of trees and sky and our arms and voices and all the songs and dances that have ever been danced on Planet Earth. We are anchored firmly to and in the earth in its long history and open to spirit, to the cosmos.

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More on Denial

Posted on July 30, 2010 by jenny

One of the big problems with denial is you don’t know you’re in it. If you are ready to see the truth, when someone says “drinking problem,” the light goes on immediately. If you’re not ready, sometimes you don’t even hear it. I once said “I missed you” to a man I was attracted to, and his next sentence made it clear that he hadn’t heard me. For many years I’ve heard or read the phrase “The wound was given in relationship, and it has to be healed in relationship,” and I would think that made sense, but didn’t feel anything. In December of 2008, Caryn said it to me and it struck with force. After the session I started feeling lonely in a way I never had before. I realized I had been in denial of my loneliness my whole life. Caryn encouraged me to ask for help. It was difficult because when I was growing up, if I asked my parents for help, they would make me wrong for asking. Because I was desperate, though overwhelmed with fear, I called some friends and asked if they would invite me for a meal and/or walk the dog with me. I was blown away by their eagerness to help, and made sure that I saw a friend every day.
Another time I found myself in denial happened at my family’s summer house on the coast of Maine. My mother said something very cruel to me. Almost immediately afterward I wrote it in my journal. The next day I read my journal entry and found myself confused about whether it had really happened or not. I asked my sister and she said “O yes, Mother did say that” and agreed that it was mean. I realized from that incident that this must have happened many times, her saying something nasty and me forgetting it immediately, which was why I was always so unprepared for her attacks. After this incident I started writing things down, and began to shield myself, and not give Mother a target.
Sometimes breaking through denial was difficult. One time I was in a workshop, we were working in pairs, and my partner said something to me which I immediately started to deny. Then there came an odd discomfort in my body, so I stopped talking and looked — and saw that what she was saying was true. I told her so and felt the discomfort melt in relief. But I saw how easy it would have been to stay in denial. Certainly the person I was talking to believed my defense, she didn’t argue, and was surprised when I suddenly shifted. I wondered how often my mother came to places like that and refused to shift. I’m very grateful for my commitment to truth which has carried me through many such obstacles.

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Denial and Science

Posted on July 29, 2010 by jenny

Denial is a common defense mechanism used to shield oneself from a painful truth. If you are an alcoholic, and making your family miserable, you will deny that it’s drinking that’s the problem. If you hurt your 3-year-old child, that child, whose life depends on her parents, can’t afford to know that someone they have to depend on is hurting them, so they make it be that “it wasn’t so bad” and often “I deserved it.” If you are a wife whose husband is having an affair, you won’t see what is obvious to everyone around you, and if a good friend tries to warn you, you won’t listen.
I remember the first time I was faced with having to give up a comfortable old truth for a new one. Since it was in the realm of science it was easy to accept. When I was a child, I learned that the solar system came about because another star had passed close to our sun and pulled out a long swath of material which then became the planets. In my first astronomy course at college, I was told that as the sun condensed out of the original cloud of matter, a disk formed, somewhat like the rings of Saturn. From this disk came the material for the planets. I remember my resistance to this idea, but as a scientist I could see that the new theory was much better, and found my reluctance an interesting phenomenon.
At that time I was still in denial of my parents’ alcoholism. After I had graduated from college I lived at home for a year. One day an old school friend came by for lunch. My mother drifted into the room and wafted out again. As soon as she was out of the room, Susan looked at me and said “How long has your mother had a drinking problem?” BLAM! The lights went on. I had known something was wrong, but had never been able to name it.

All my life I’ve been committed to the truth. I was very fortunate to go to Wellesley College and major in astronomy which was taught by Miss Hill (more formally known as Dr. Sarah J. Hill). She is easily the best teacher I’ve ever had. She taught astronomy as process, as a history of ideas. My physics teachers said “This is how it is.” But Miss Hill would say “ten years ago we thought….. But then new data came in and now we think this….” She used to refer to the “doubling of the universe in 1952.” Of course the real universe didn’t suddenly grow in size, instead it was found that the variable stars we had been using as distance indicators actually came in two classes, one of which was twice as bright. So all the distances had to be recalibrated. For a discussion of Cepheid see link

Whenever Miss Hill introduced a new topic, she went through this process. First: what assumptions are we making? Second: what are the data? Third: what hypothesis can we frame to explain the data? And finally, can we find new data, hopefully from some different area of study, that will confirm or disprove our hypothesis? The most important steps are the first and the last. I had never had another teacher talk about assumptions and yet they will constrain what we are willing to accept as “facts.” And too often, people get enamored of their hypothesis and refuse to see, or accept facts that contradict it. So by the time I read Thomas Kuhn’s The Structure of Scientific Revolutions, I knew very well the process he was talking about. And by the way, all of astronomy is founded on one huge whopping assumption: that the “laws” of physics as we have discovered them in our laboratories here on the planet earth in the last 400 years — that these “laws” hold true through out time and space. Think about it. Are you feeling some resistance?

I have been able to use this process in struggling with depression and PTSD. More later.

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Circle Dance Resource

Posted on July 28, 2010 by jenny

In Somatic Experiencing, A “resource” is anything that gives you a sense of being more centered, relaxed, stronger, even just a little better than you already feel. It’s a home place to return while you work with the activation of the trauma.

(Written in April 2005)
I spent some time at Neskaya with Amy, helping her with dances and music. We had a lot of fun. I opened the data base & generated a list of #1 level dances. We made her a CD of new (clean) versions of music she already has, and 2 CDs of new music that we chose by going down the list of 1’s and picking. I showed her most, maybe all of them — we put some on the Cd as time was running out and then I showed her the dances after regular dance was over at 8PM. I was very glad to have that work to do with Amy because it restored me to some sense of joy & validation of what I do. My energy & enthusiasm came back with a rush, and I’m happy about that. There were times last week when it felt like all joy and meaning had drained out of circle dance as my vocation.
In Somatic Experiencing work with Brad that experience with Amy became a resource — which was felt as warmth, strength, and a kind of steel pole as a core that – what? it doesn’t really hold me – it stiffens and strengthens me — reminded me of doing the peace vigil by myself and how strong I felt. And the other resource was the “World of Diversity” — my vision of the planet that gives me strength to go on.

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Psychological Patterns

Posted on July 27, 2010 by jenny

When my husband and I were first married, we took a course called DMA. It was about how to manifest the life you want. It had been created by Robert Fritz, who also created (and still teaches) “Structural Consulting”. Dana took this workshop from Robert. Structural consulting is a very different way to think of and organize human behavior. There was something called your “pattern” which was the pattern of actions you went through to get something you wanted, that did not result in getting it. Many of us sabotage ourselves by getting distracted from focussing on the thing we want. My pattern looked like this: I would see something I wanted, start in that direction and have an initial success. But then I would look around for support and approval, and when I didn’t see it, I would try to fix myself since clearly I didn’t know what I was doing. Interestingly, when I examined stories of how I failed to get the thing, I saw that sometimes support and/or approval would be there and I would fail to see it. That’s one way of sabotaging myself. Having been conditioned by my alcoholic parents to believe that anything that went wrong was my fault, of course I would try “to fix myself” and lose my focus on what I wanted. It’s also true that an initial success would be scary, because my parents disliked my intelligence, creativity, and exuberance, and any report of something I had done well would get the rejoinder “Don’t think you’re so great!” Understanding the dynamic was often helpful when I went after something I wanted.

Another, related, pattern was seen by Dr. Cynthia Rankin in St. Johnsbury VT. She was a specialist in mood disorders and I went to see her after I had become convinced that I really was dealing with serious depression. The first thing she did was find a person who helped me get on an antidepressant that worked. That was major, because I had been so freaked out by my first experience with medication. (See my post for July 20, 2010 for a description of the summer from hell). Another problem I was struggling with was a sensitivity to noise. This is actually common for people with PTSD. I remember one day when I thought I heard a chainsaw start up, and my heart began to race, etc. and then I saw it was just a fly buzzing on the window pane. At that point I knew I was in trouble. I also suffered from extreme reactions to the noise of small planes that flew out of the Franconia Airport, especially the ones that towed gliders, because they were louder and went on longer than the ordinary ones. On a good day in summer, I’d have to pack up my food and supplements, and something like a book or journal to keep me busy, and go to a friend’s house out of town where I was safe until dark. It made my life very hard. When the season was starting up again, I talked to Dr. Rankin about it. I said I would white knuckle it for two or three planes and then run screaming from the house and go ANYWHERE to get away. I asked her if “white knuckling” was OK. She said yes, and also that she had observed a pattern in my behavior. I would start a process that would take maybe 10 steps. I’d do the first two just fine, but then on the third something would go wrong. Later observations showed that it didn’t even have to be something I did wrong, it could just be someone complaining about something entirely unrelated. She said then, instead of going back and giving myself credit for 2 steps completed correctly, I would “conclude I can’t do it” what ever it was. This insight blew me away. I saw Dr. Rankin on a Friday, had the first Reiki Initiation on Saturday (and had the odd sensation of my immune system clicking into place like an invisible shield). Sunday, I knew there would be a lot of planes and settled down to count how many I could survive before I gave up. I kept track on a piece of paper. By the time I got to thirteen planes I knew that Dr. Rankin had given me my power back, and that the plane phobia was over. I still didn’t like the noise, I still don’t like it, but I don’t notice it every time like I used to. Now I hear it and say “Oh yes, I was in bondage to that sound for 14 years, but not any more.”

I also have found recognizing the pattern useful in other areas. I would repeat the things I had done correctly, or I would reinterpret the blanket idea that I couldn’t do it. Wondering where I got such a dysfunctional belief, I remembered my father saying, when I was having trouble doing something, “Why did you try it if you didn’t know how?” No guidance, no help with doing the project, just making me wrong for not knowing how ahead of time. I remember thinking at the time “Wait a minute. What happened to if at first you don’t succeed, try try again?” but of course I didn’t have the temerity to stand up to my father, and I didn’t understand how the power differential between parent and child (I was probably 9 years old) would give such a remark very heavy impact. Knowing about that pattern has been very significant. Struggling through PTSD in 2008 and 2009, when I was able to accomplish something that fear had been preventing me from doing, like clean up the mess in the laundry room, I would write the success and put (good for me!) afterward in an effort to retrain myself in the idea that I could in fact accomplish things I wanted to do. I will always be grateful to Dr. Rankin for her intelligence and wisdom.

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Living with PTSD

Posted on July 26, 2010 by jenny

(Written in February 2008)
I notice that my urgency has faded for both the dance project and the letter to the editor. Not that I don’t still care, but I’m more able to accept the reality of my lack of energy. I think the urgency was fueled by childhood beliefs: 1) I am the only one who sees clearly what needs to be done 2) I have to do something to justify my life 3) my survival is at stake. I see that it’s a fairly delicate balance between the urgency and the lethargy that allows me to get anything done at all, and that at the first sign of difficulty (“looks for support & approval”) I collapse (“conclude I can’t do it”). If the action is relatively easy: sign petition, send email, I can often do it, if it’s a little harder: make phone calls to Congresspeople, I can sometimes do it. If it requires any follow-through — like the dance project or the letter to the editor — I just don’t have what it takes for sustained effort. I’m too easily triggered and then I collapse. I’m ashamed of this, but here is the nub of my work: to accept my limitations. And to let go of the need for results.

Had a bit of a visit with Lynelle yesterday. I told her about my struggle with the false urgency that gets triggered because my survival is at stake. She validated that for a baby, the survival issue is global, total. I described the set of tangled beliefs that I had discovered, and she said “No wonder you are tired.” What a relief. I talked about how hard it is to accept that I’m so disabled. Even now, when I’m doing so much better.

In the morning I was reading Ode, and feeling cheered by good news — especially an organization called HUB that’s providing space for people — business people, scientists, visionaries — to get together and share ideas. There was an article on Byron Katie and I immediately got triggered. Into that uncomfortable state of activation where I can’t sit peacefully and watch the chickadees. In the past, I’ve thought this state was inspiration and forged ahead with some project — like the Barnstead water rights issue. I put a lot of energy into typing something up, getting it posted on the website — and then bogging down at the point of trying to express it to other people, and then collapsing into depression. Having recently run this cycle twice, I was wary. I tried to just sit quietly and relax. At one point I even set the timer & did 20 minutes of following the breath. I also did the snowshoe loop to try to ground the energy in my body. I also talked to Kayla which was perhaps most helpful because I could feel the energy move down in my body. We agreed that this was a letter that I probably should write because I can speak to the issue of Katie’s method not working for someone whose difficulties are physiological in nature.

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World of Diversity

Posted on July 25, 2010 by jenny

(Written over 2003 – 2005)
In the spring of 2003, I went to NEFFA, the New England Folk Festival that’s held in Natick High School in Natick, Mass. I fell in love with a Peruvian tapestry. It was about 12” by 18” and was dense with embroidery and applique. It showed dancers around a tree with colorful ribbons coming from the top of the tree, there were musicians, people serving food and drink, even a woman in a cabbage patch in the background. It was expensive, but it should have been, given the amount of work in it. So I bought it and brought it home.

I was sorry that it was rectangular, so I thought I would try making a circular background, maybe about 2 or 3 feet across. I had some circles of fabric that I use for centerpieces, and tried the different sizes. What became clear was that the tapestry demanded a LARGE background. The final version was a 6’ circle made to look like the planet in blue & green, with North & South America, part of Africa and Europe.
The project took a long time, and there were several steps along the way.

Dear Guides & Guardians, please help me get in touch with my deep intuition and deep intention.
Dear Jenny, relax. There is a spring of joy at the heart of the Divine that springs forth in creativity, abundance, diversity: stars, planets, minerals, trees, whales, caterpillars, song, dance, and costume. Your heart is a fountain open at the bottom to this Source. Let yourself feel the spring rising and overflowing. Rest in this place.

This interchange was based on a technique they taught us in Somatic Experiencing, finding a resource that’s opposite to the image of activation.
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling pretty bleak again this morning. Please help me.
Dear Jenny, breathe. Relax. You’re doing fine. What is the opposite of bleak?
First image — sun blazing brightly on a frozen landscape. But that’s bleak too. Second image — the South American tapestry of the village scene, colorful and 3 dimensional. A tree with streamers, a circle of dancers, boxes of produce — this is the earth in all its glorious diversity. This is the vision of Planet Earth that I hold in my heart.
Dear Jenny, by holding that vision you are doing good work for the planet you love.
Thank you.

Bleak, tired, hard to get up. The only thing that made it possible was thinking about the background I want to make for the Peruvian village tapestry. I bought solid colors at Cut & Sew yesterday. I still need something for a background — I think of a foamcore circle.

Once I had put the fabric on the foamcore circle, and attached the Peruvian tapestry in South America, I made a lot of little animals and fish and plants out of Sculpey. It’s a polymer clay that comes in bright colors and can be fired hard at ordinary oven temperatures. Then I sewed them in place.

A Great Beltane Celebration! I finished the World of Diversity and hung it on the east wall where it looks beautiful. Made a small centerpiece with Gaia and a couple of scarves. I put up the maypole during break, gave minimal instructions, we had a great time — it looked BEAUTIFUL. We did “Life Gods” to finish.

Last night was so SATISFYING! I feel warm & strong and centered and grounded.

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