More About Jenny

Just got back in touch with an old friend and referred her to my blog to see what’s been happening with me.  I checked my “About Jenny” page on this blog, and found that it ends in 2006 with me feeling “better than I’ve ever felt in my life.” It’s a little misleading since it implies that I stayed better.  I’ve been through at least two huge rounds of trying to get off the medication, falling apart and struggling to get back to OK.  The most recent bout started in the summer of 2008 when I was feeling a lot better, and wanted to live more of my life than I had been able to.  I tried to do too much (a drama project, dance camp, teaching dances to a group in the southern part of the state with some musician friends, and a visit to a friend’s birthday party) at the same time I was lowering my medication under the illusion that the thyroid boost had cured my depression. I got totally exhausted and fell apart.  My psychiatrist put me on a new, more expensive medication which later turned out to be making me nauseous, and then took a leave of absence without giving me someone else to turn to.  It turned out to be a good thing, because my emotional anchor therapist put me in touch with a Doctor who was meticulous and patient about working with medication.  The tricky part for me about dealing with PTSD is I can be triggered into severe depression or severe anxiety, and get fooled into thinking there’s something wrong with the meds.  Dr. Seigle was so patient, and I learned to be patient too.  He finally got me on a combination of medications that works.  I tried changing it and discovered very quickly that that didn’t work. So I’ll stick with what I have now.  A lot of this blog, the entries from 2008 and 2009 refer to this huge cycle in my life.
One big change since 2006 was that then, when I was feeling good about myself, it was my functional self, my talented, outrageous, creative, energetic self that I felt good about.  I thought that was the “real me” and the depressed one was not the “real me.” I’ve learned to accept ALL of myself, both the energetic and creative part of me, and the terrified baby part of me.  I always felt some sort of push to prove that I deserved to live — that’s part of what pushed me to do too much when I was “feeling good.” Now, at last, the old push push push is gone.  I can feel good doing “nothing”, I can enjoy ordinary life doing ordinary things with ordinary people.