(Written in January 2007)
I’ve been reading a book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Armstrong, and finding it extraordinarily helpful. She talks about childhood abandonments as well as divorce and adult breakups. She describes five stages and gives exercises for working with them.
Stage One is Shattering, Shock, and she recommends a practice of staying in the present. She validates that the present itself can be extremely painful and then paying attention to present sensory details will help.
Stage Two is Withdrawal, which she describes as facing the reality that you are utterly alone: “like the baby chick without its shell, still wet, facing the world without its protective cover.” This is pretty exactly what I’ve been feeling lately: the awful cold, the sense of there being no safe place to go and hide. The recommended exercise is dialogue between your child self and your adult self, both seen as separate from yourself.
BIG: Hey, Little, what do you need today?
LITTLE: I want to paint.
BIG: Good, we’ll do that right after breakfast. Anything special you want to paint?
LITTLE: I like the stamps, I’d like to do a picture of me where the anger grows at the bottom and supports me against the terror.
BIG: OK. We’ll do that. What are you feeling today?
LITTLE: Scared
BIG: Scared of anything in particular?
LITTLE: being left all alone
BIG: I’m here and I’m not leaving. My intention is to always be there for you, at least be with you even when I can’t help with the pain. At those times I’m sharing it. And I have left you in the past, getting caught in activities of trying to change the external stuff. I’m sorry for those times, and I’ll try to do better.
LITTLE: That helps. I feel a little stronger and warmer now.