(Written in August 2010)
When I got to Karen yesterday, I just cried. I said I was confused and discouraged and didn’t know what to do, had no way to know which technique was working to help me out of depression/scared. After a while Karen said she thought I was upset about the money, about how much the roof might cost, and the conflict between taking care of myself so I can live, and keeping Neskaya going so I’ll have a reason to live.
Yesterday I told god that I really need help if they want me to keep going. The fear is cold down the front of my chest, the fear of “I can’t take care of myself and I’ll die.” The basic rock bottom experience of my life. What is the point of going on? Dear God, if there’s something you want me to do, please let me know.
Be present with compassion as much as possible.
I don’t have to know what to do.
It’s OK to do nothing.
I have no idea what’s going to happen.
I don’t know if I will be able to deal with something until it actually happens.
My work to heal this traumatized fragment of the universe is meaningful.
I offer myself to this process.
Jalaja “passion, devotion, creativity and sweetness.” This is what I bring to the world
One day at a time.
Talking to Elizabeth, she told me that she had been listening to an old Angeles Arrien tape and she said something about the blessing way and 3 things you had to do every day. I googled & found it:
I love what indigenous peoples say. If you want the blessing-way to come into your family life or into organizations or communities or into the earth, there are three things that you must do every day: one is to set a sacred intention, two is to give gratitude, and three is to take a life affirming action every day. So those are all positive doorways of how to work, especially setting sacred intention or life-affirming action – is taking action on the intention. And then gratitude, just the practice of gratitude, keeps the heart open and wherever the heart is open in the human species there is more generosity and more capacity for giving and receiving love and expressing love.
Three things to do every day:
1) pray — set a sacred intention
2) Offer gratitude
3) do a life-affirming action
I can do these, even when depressed and terrified.