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(Written in July 2005)
Rupert Sheldrake and Matthew Fox in Natural Grace talk about the soul, how it’s like a field, centered on the body but bigger than the body — “the body is in the soul” — our souls overlap and interpenetrate so that what happens in one affects all the others — which validates my idea that my work on myself affects the human energy field.  Perhaps it’s also true that I’m working on more than my “own” stuff — part of why it’s been so hard and such a struggle is I’m fighting against, or fighting to transform, all the negativity that’s out there, the denied depression and despair and grief and fear.  If I knew that was true?  Well then at least I could feel that my life isn’t wasted, even tho I never got enough of the experiences — friendship, lovers, worthwhile tasks, fun, creativity — that would make life enjoyable.  I guess I have to let myself grieve for all that — hopefully so I can come back to a place of being grateful for what I do have and let go of the bitterness about what I didn’t get.

Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling very sad about my wrecked life, about all the things I never got to do that would have brought satisfaction and pleasure, and that my chances of being able to widen my life to include more satisfaction and pleasure look very slim at the moment.
Dear Jenny, nine years ago, when you opened Neskaya, you were profoundly depressed and terrified.  You were afraid that you might not even be able to teach two hours of dance a week.  Since that time, you have tackled and succeeded with a number of things: all-day dances, workshops with British teachers, Dancing the Sacred Calendar, painting with Aviva Gold.  You tried a number of things which didn’t last for a variety of reasons.  You’ve made a lot of new friends.  Even tho people move away, new ones have come.  You have incorporated, applied for and got tax-exempt status and set up an endowment fund.  You have changed your investments to socially responsible ones, and built yourself a house.  You have made a positive contribution to the lives of many people: some you know, and others you don’t know about.  You got on medication, weathered a painful divorce, and have done major healing work with Somatic Experiencing.  This is all a tremendous achievement.  You have trouble seeing it because the amount of healing you have done has made it easier to see the empty places in your life, and to see how much work and confidence and support is needed to be able to do some of the things you want to do: the Winter Solstice Pageant for example.  You are seeing more clearly how badly you were damaged in childhood.  You also have many fears: when your ankles hurt, or your energy ebbs, or only a few people come to dance — that this is the beginning of the end, that whatever it is will not recover and come back.  You have suffered many losses, and haven’t had much chance to learn that things do return.  But they do: your ankles are fine now, your energy will come back, and people will always come to dance.  We suggest you use this low time to relax and rest, practice doing nothing, spend time with darkness and silence.  This will nourish your own life, and even as you nourish yourself, you also bring healing to the planet you love.  Rest on this dear Jenny.  For all the pain and misery in your life, you are not adding any pain to the world.  Even this is a tremendous achievement.  Let go, let down, be at peace, rest on the Everlasting Arms, they are there for you.  We love you, dear Jenny, and you are doing fine just as you are.

(Written in July 2005)
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling sad and discouraged and lonely. Please help me.
Dear Jenny, lay your heavy aching heart on the Ocean of Compassion.  We are with you, we are all here, and we love you.  There is nothing you can do but continue to grieve the losses, to honor the wounds that have left you so vulnerable, that make it a continual struggle to keep your creative process flowing, that make it so hard to be friendly, reach out, start conversations, get co-creative projects off the ground.  These things are all too much for you most of the time.  Not because you are lazy or weak, but because you have painful wounds still unhealed.  There is not much help from the culture, which actively opposes the healing process and makes it necessary to go into retreat, to do your healing work in therapy or in your studio.  But an important part of healing is the participation of the community.  You can’t heal all by yourself.  You need to tell your story to receptive witnesses, so you can feel it be received with compassion.  This is the next step in your healing.  We will help you design a ritual for yourself.  Remember that we love you and want you to be healed.

I was reading my journal for 2005 and came across this which blew me away in the light of the ritual I did last November.

For the story of the “Ocean of Compassion” see the blog post for April 29, 2010

(Written in February 2010)
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling pretty bummed out.  Can you help me?
Dear Jenny, you have plenty of reasons for feeling discouraged.  It has been a long hard haul for a pretty long time without much relief.  It’s also true that you have done some major healing.  In the past you weren’t able to be with people when you were depressed unless there was intense interaction.  Now just being ordinary with people can bring you out of despair.  You are doing all the right things to help yourself heal.  It’s still true that the work you are doing to help yourself heal is helping others, making a difference to the planet you love.