Somatic Experiencing

(Written in July 2005)
Worked with Brad on feeling tired & discouraged.  like a 500-lb weight across my legs, holding me down.  Hang out with it for a bit, some of the weight droops down and rests on the couch.  But I still can’t get up without effort.  And I’m scared that I won’t ever have enough energy to get up.  Finally, I shrink the time interval to one small enough so I can be OK with how I am.  I notice that if I put my hand on my cheek, it’s supportive enough so my breathing relaxes.  And I’m able to sip and enjoy the last of my iced coffee.  Finally I’m relaxed enough to begin noticing, and enjoying, the breeze from the fan.  Eventually it feels as tho the weight has finally melted.  We talk about how I can better manage my energy — using titration i.e. frequent breaks to help me set up the kayak —   At one point I complained that if I were to really take care of myself, I wouldn’t have time for anything else.  Brad says I’ve got it backwards: only if I take care of myself whole-heartedly will I be able to come to the rest of my life with a whole heart.  (What he said was more like “if you don’t do this piece, how will you do anything else?”) Which is one of those ideas I agree with intellectually, but inside I can’t believe my energy will ever return.  Brad said to be aware of the weight that presses me down, this is why everything is so draining, because I’m pushing against the weight.  He said “Deep inside you is a seed of that strength that’s kept you going.  It’s what draws people to you and makes you special.”  I had a very hard time taking it in and remembering so I could write it down.