(Written in January-February 2010)
When I finally got to Caryn I just curled on the floor in my corner and said I needed to cry. I’ve been feeling that urge to cry for several days, but couldn’t seem to get to it. The crying was the kind where my stomach is going in & out very fast. Caryn commented that the sound of my voice was different. Also, I didn’t start coughing the way I usually do. So I just kept letting it happen, sitting up now & then to blow my nose. While I was crying Caryn said “You’re OK, you’re OK” and I realized she was right, and cried even harder. Finally the energy ran out and I sat up to talk. I told her about Kathi coming to see me in the hospital in 1970, and how hard it was for me to believe that I was that important to her. My stomach felt completely different, both more relaxed and stronger. We ended the session early because there wasn’t anything more to do.
Exhaustion
So exhausted. I felt pretty lost yesterday. Lynelle said that the degree of tiredness I’ve been feeling is totally appropriate because work with the diaphragm is very deep work, also just being with people can be draining. That was very comforting because I periodically worried that the tiredness and lack of motivation was actually depression.
Somatic Experiencing
I was a little scared driving down to Caryn. I felt that impulse to cry again and realized it was coming from my stomach. When I got to Caryn, I lay down in my corner, cried a little, but it went to coughing, wasn’t the same. So I sat up, on a cushion, found myself rocking and wailing, and then just rocking, feeling the balance. I was having trouble coming back from rocking back and Caryn suggested I use my pelvis. That made rocking effortless. Finally I rocked to a standstill finding the balance point. I crawled around the floor, stretched and rolled, let my body do what it wanted. We did the core strengthening exercise with my legs on the cube. I also did the Bridge pose with my legs up — it felt wonderful. And later the half shoulder stand. We also did some exercises to help with balance. Eyes open and eyes closed, on a balance board, could use my hands on the wall, and then without hands. Also did leaning on a bench and shifting weight from one foot to another, and trying to feel all the foot bones move. She also had me stand on one foot and tighten the opposite hand. I’d really like to keep doing these things as a practice.
I was able to do the whole Nia routine, so my energy is definitely better. I don’t feel as exhausted as I did. Caryn affirmed that the work with the diaphragm could be exhausting. She also said that my “authentic movement” was a celebration and exploration of having more life energy as a result of releasing the diaphragm.