No Agenda

(Written in November 2008)
How to describe how it’s been for the last few days, maybe even a couple of weeks — I’ve had no agenda, time has felt free and open, it’s been OK to just do puzzles & read mysteries.  & not force myself to do ANYTHING even walk the dog.  The old push push push is gone.  Needing to prove something is gone.  When I first stated the belief — “If I do something and you are angry and upset, then I am bad worthless and rotten and should be dead” I thought about Byron Katie’s question “Who would you be if you couldn’t think that thought?” and I just felt sick and sad and trapped and stuck.  I couldn’t imagine how that would feel.  There might even have been a thought “I wouldn’t be me.” I didn’t see any way to shift it, so I just dropped it.  I didn’t even talk about it, found myself unable to talk to Kayla or Lynelle about it even though a tiny voice said I was wrong not to tell them something that I imagine might relieve their minds about my recent withdrawal.  But now, having this new experience of having no agenda, no push, no need to prove, I’m thinking maybe this is who I would be if I couldn’t think that thought.  It’s gone.  It dissolved in the reorganization I was allowing to happen.  O my!!  There’s an odd sense of emptiness, but I don’t feel bereft as I did in ‘95 when I realized that my attempt to make a publishable book out of my journals was just an attempt to “prove that I deserve to live even though my parents were disappointed in me.” No opinions, no stories, no agenda.  What a relief.