(Written in November 2008)
Session with Caryn. Several powerful experiences of relief and release — like confession and absolution. I told her about this recent period of “retreat”, of avoiding talking to my friends, staying in solitude, etc. Although I’ve been oddly comfortable with it, there was at least one member of the committee judging me as “selfish.” Caryn reframed the whole thing, she said “This is HEALTH.” She said I was taking space for myself, needed for the inner work to be done. I told her about the Montessori teacher’s book, and the children who would run around the classroom, knocking over other children’s projects. Caryn asked me to let that energy appear & play the Montessori teacher to myself. I realized immediately, she didn’t want to hurt other children, but she did want to make a mess. “How does that feel in your body?” So I told the child part of me about painting the Red Woman. Most of me was back “in the zone” with Aviva, but there was a little piece on my upper chest who still felt separate. She was soft & flat & sensitive. I said maybe this was a part brought back in this recent shamanic journey so of course she wasn’t there when I painted the Red Woman. I also remembered the image of the children who’d been in the tsunami knocking down towers of blocks as part of their healing. I told her how glad I was to have her back as part of me. Maybe that was when she integrated.
When I first went in, my corner had been dismantled so I chose to sit on a meditation cushion between the windows. I propped myself up — knee pillows as well — until I could sit comfortably. It felt wonderful. Caryn said “You’ve never been fully supported.” I cried.
When the work with the “destructive” energy felt complete, I wanted to “pour and roll” so Caryn set up two mats and a rug and I rolled around on them. She talked about the “pour and roll” stage — I see I’m going to have to read their book.
Caryn and Kevin’s book is How Life Moves