(Written in February 2010)
Karen was a big help. I cried a lot and said how discouraged I was that I’ve been working so long and so hard and I haven’t gotten any better. Karen said I was a lot better, that healing happens by ups & downs, that I was in a healing process. She said I was scaring myself with stories of just getting worse, and that I was doing the thing of looking to see if I was better yet. She asked me how it felt in my body when I was feeling so hopeless and discouraged. It was hard to describe, especially when I wasn’t in it any more: stiff, cold, heavy heart. I remembered about curling up with the baby and a blanket and listening to Nancy Napier when I was feeling bad. That’s what I need, not to try to change myself to get out of the misery, but to comfort myself in the misery. We did letting go with the towel, and I said it’s OK to let go, it’s OK to not know what to do, it’s OK to not do anything.