OOPS! Apologies to the Gratitude Dance

Posted on February 6, 2012 by jenny

I got the link wrong in the post for February 1.  Here it is again  Gratitude Dance!

An opportunity to share the poem that’s used for the lyrics:

 Stream Of Life

The same stream of life that runs through my veins night and day
runs through the world and dances in rhythmic measures.

It is the same life that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth
in numberless blades of grass
and breaks into tumultuous waves of leaves and flowers.

It is the same life that is rocked in the ocean-cradle of birth
and of death, in ebb and in flow.

I feel my limbs are made glorious by the touch of this world of life.
And my pride is from the life-throb of ages dancing in my blood this moment.

Rabindranath Tagore

It is sung in the Bengali language by a young woman named Palbasha Siddique.

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Ground-Candle-Bolc

Posted on February 2, 2012 by jenny

Imbolc is the Cross-Quarter Day that falls at the beginning of February.  In the Old Nature Religion it was called the “Quickening of the Year.”  Like many ancient holidays it has attracted to itself a number of more recent celebrations.  It was the Goddess Bride’s day, which became St. Brigid in Celtic Christianity. It was also Christianized as “Candlemas” and secularized as “Groundhog Day.”  I believe that “Groundhog Day” contains a memory of telling the time of year by measuring shadows.  (It’s also a time when the gates open between the worlds and strange things can happen, like getting stuck in the day for a long time – long enough to learn how to be a different kind of human being.) Initially, I had no idea what this holiday was about.  When I was trying to explain the Cross-Quarter Days to a friend whose birthday was August 1, I found myself talking about it as a cycle.  Beltane, May 1, celebrates Spirit creating for itself a body, as the trees put on leaf, and the colored ribbons wind on the Maypole.  Lammas, August 1, is a festival of the first harvest.  Since it’s also in the sign of Leo, fixed fire, I saw it as part of the creative process. You start with a malleable material, like clay, or bread dough, and shape it the way you want and then you have to cook it to make it keep its shape.  Samhain (pronounced Sa-wain) is when Spirit frees itself from matter, and goes running through the streets dressed as ghosts and goblins and demanding tribute.  So if Spirit incarnates at Beltane, and fixes its form at Lammas, goes free of form at Samhain, what does it do at Imbolc?  a change in matter at Lammas, what about a change in Spirit at Imbolc?  A change in spirit would be an inspiration, a new form to give body to on the first of May.
For more information, see Ground-Candle-Bolc posted February 2011

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Need Cheering Up?

Posted on February 1, 2012 by jenny

One thing I do, after I’ve called friends only to talk to their machines, is nourish my sense of humor with my favorite YouTube videos.

There’s Paul Hawken’s speech to the Bioneers in 2006? was it?

There’s Marianne Williamson on the Occupy movement.  It takes an hour but it’s an hour well spent.  The first time I saw it I watched in 10 and 20 minute bursts.  I don’t know how many times I’ve seen it, I can quote whole sections of it.  I went out and bought her book, Healing the Soul of America, and it’s wonderful and painful at the same time.  We’ve almost let our democracy die for lack of paying attention.

Then there’s the Eskimo village of Quinhagak doing the Halleluia Chorus.  Some people have complained that we took away their native spirituality and forced them to become Christian, but I think this village has plenty of Spirit, and shows it in their joyful performance, hilarious and sacred at the same time.

Equally hilarious and sacred is Matt Harding’s (where the hell is Matt?) fabulous video of people all around the world doing a silly dance. The song is in a foreign language, the title is “The Gratitude Dance” and it so beautifully demonstrates that we all are one.  Of course I had to watch it again, and I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes and a big smile.  People are all the same, all around the planet, we all dance joyfully the same way.  The many differences in clothing and landscape just make it richer.

OOPS!  got the link wrong!  it’s OK now!

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Taking care of myself

Posted on January 30, 2012 by jenny

(Written in September 2006)
Yesterday, I made a conscious decision to take care of the traumatized baby — to make her my first priority — that was partly why I lost myself in a book — because that’s the only way I know to really give myself a rest from “soldiering on”.  It does feel like I have been able to shift something, managed to get back from the political limb, managed to get back to the baby as first priority.  What I haven’t been able to get to is some sense of feeling good about taking care of myself.  I did manage to brush and floss my teeth — usually a good sign.  I see, it’s “soldiering on” but in a different direction.  Taking care of myself is much harder than, say, doing the political stuff — typing up essays and posting them on the website, etc is much easier than taking a bath.  I haven’t done the oil massage in ages.  I haven’t even washed my hair in a week.  I have had some quick showers.  But the long slow bath and beauty ritual that a lot of women seem to enjoy isn’t something I do. I think Kayla really enjoys her morning shower and putting on her makeup — she said something yesterday about how much she enjoyed it when she slows down.  I envy her.  When I slow down, I feel the discomfort that can only be kept at bay by constant activity.
What am I feeling right now?  Cold across my chest.  It feels like there is a black ocean of pain, submerging me to my heart, surrounding the planet.  Yes, there is so much pain.  I’m wearing a black-and-white prisoners bracelet from Tibet, and my black-and-white Tibetan Terrier is curled up next to me and I’m aware that one day she will be gone…

I can’t do it — I can’t call my senators and tell them to vote against the surveillance and detainee bills — I can just feel that it’s too much of a stretch today.  I’m sitting here in pain and tears —— OK, if I can’t call, I can pray: Let hearts be changed in the Senate so they refuse to pass bills that curtail our civil liberties.

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Who to take care of?

Posted on January 29, 2012 by jenny

(Written in September 2006)
I had talked to Kayla about wondering if part of my energy drain had to do with helping Eleanor.  If it was, I was OK with it, I just wanted to know that’s what was happening.  Kayla said she thought it was unhealthy to let my energy be drained in that way — and of course it’s possible that my energy is drained in worry about Eleanor and doesn’t help her at all.  I found myself in the old conflict: how can I make ugly, worthless Jenny my top priority when there’s beautiful courageous Eleanor, and worthwhile Neskaya, and far more worthy causes to give my energy to?  Kayla reminded me of the “oxygen mask principle” and I could hear it and agree with my intellect, but the rest of me was all on the other side — horrified at the idea that I might put myself first.  I was vaguely able to remember that I was probably caught in the traumatized baby — or maybe the traumatized older sister who believed that her life depended on taking care of her younger siblings — anyway, the choice was before me again: do I make the traumatized baby my first priority, or do I abandon her for some other, more “attractive” project?  Put like that, I see that there really is no choice, she is my god given task.  I did find it difficult to formulate an intention — which is probably an indicator of the degree to which I was caught in a non-verbal part of me.   Something about wanting clarity about where my energy was going so I could consciously direct it.

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The Dark Night and Depression

Posted on January 28, 2012 by jenny

“Before enlightenment, take Prozac and talk to your shrink.  After enlightenment, take Prozac and talk to your shrink.”
Dr. Gerald May quoting Judith Hooper’s conclusion after interviewing a collection of psychiatrists and buddhist practitioners.  The Dark Night of the Soul, p 159

May discusses the relationship between depression and the dark night of the soul.  They are different, but they often overlap which can be confusing to say the least.  But it’s very clear that depression needs to be addressed on the physical level (which can mean exercise and a restricted diet as well as medication) and the Dark Night on the spiritual level.

For myself, I see that I have used my depression in the service of my spiritual growth.  But that does NOT mean I can go off medication.  When I first got on medication, I found out what normal brain chemistry was for the first time.  I also discovered that all the issues I had been working on over and over again in therapy suddenly cleared up.  It was like I could finally USE the insights I’d gotten in therapy.  I also noticed that, without effort, I was being friendlier to people I didn’t know: checkout people at the grocery, the guys who pump gas.  I also learned that appreciation can be done on will power, but enjoyment requires normal brain chemistry.

Dr. May, a psychiatrist, says:  “… my experience is that people often experience depression and the dark night at the same time.  To say the least, the dark night can be depressing.  Even if most of the experience feels liberating, it still involves loss, and loss involves grief, and grief may at least temporarily become depression.  Conversely, a primary clinical depression can become part of a dark-night experience, just as any other illness can.” p156
“I am not certain why people still think that medications can interfere with God’s work in human souls.  … one’s theology would have to hold that God’s grace is so weak and ineffective that a chemical compound can block it.”  p159

It is however also true that addiction to alcohol or other drugs can at least weaken the individual’s ability to turn toward god’s grace.  In AA you need to become clean and sober and stay that way.  My past attempts to get off drugs have been under the illusion that I was using medication the same way my parents used alcohol.  I recently tried again to lower my medication, mostly because the dentist told me that persistent dry mouth, one consequence of the medication, can be very bad for one’s teeth. So I lowered my Imipramine dose from 175mg to 150 mg.  I was fine for two and a half months.  Then I saw that I wasn’t bouncing back as fast, that depression was creeping up again.  So I raised the medication two weeks ago.  Now I’m seeing that it’s working. I’m really pleased with yesterday’s long list of things done!  It’s both a sign that I’m doing better, and a morale boost that keeps me on the upward spiral.  And that is why I have to keep taking medication — it raises the bottom.

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Guidance

Posted on January 27, 2012 by jenny

(Written in July 2006)
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, it’s still raining and I’m scared about climate change.  I’m also scared that free sharing on the Internet is about to be sold to Big Business.  I see that my hope for the future of democracy has been heavily dependent on the Internet. I’m really pretty bummed out.  Please help me.
    Dear Jenny, Big Business owning the internet will not stop compassion, it will not stop the formation of local communities.  It will not stop you from teaching dance at Neskaya and making your art.  It will not stop Spirit from doing its work in the world because Spirit works through individual action.  The Internet helps you feel connected to all those people out there who are working for peace and sustainability.  Even without the Internet, you are STILL connected to them.  But your need is to FEEL connected and this is hard for you without visible evidence.  We suggest you build your community of support by staying in touch with specific people: Bobbi, Elizabeth, Beverly, etc.  It would also help to find people who are right here in the area.  WREN might help.  Be of good cheer, dear Jenny, the network of light is real and you are part of it, the Ocean of Compassion is real and all around you.  All by yourself, alone and depressed, you are still connected to the Web of Light, and as you keep your Heart and Spirit aimed toward, in alignment with, peace and sustainability, you are helping the world you love.  Do not despair, and remember we are always with you.
Thank you.

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The Dark Night of the Soul

Posted on January 26, 2012 by jenny

Recently I’ve been struggling with depression again again, and my friend Lynelle reminded me of a book that Elizabeth sent me several years ago when I was going through the worst of my breakdown.  The Dark Night of the Soul, by Gerald May. It wasn’t a help then, because “Dark,” as St John of the Cross uses it, doesn’t mean pain, despair, and terror, it means obscure, unknowing.  As I’m writing this, I’m thinking that the book is talking about stages in spiritual practice, where you stop trying with intellect and will, and instead leave it to God’s mysterious hidden process, which I understand to be taking place in the human unconscious.  I realize that’s EXACTLY what I’ve been learning to do to heal from trauma.  It is a practice, I come back to it over and over.
May says that as people progress spiritually, they become comfortable with mystery.  I see that’s what’s happened to me:  I can look at different explanations for the origin of the universe — the “big bang”, continuous creation — or theories of where people came from — that we evolved here, that we descend from visitors from another star — and I don’t believe or disbelieve, I’m contented with not knowing, and I’m pretty sure the REAL story is deeper and richer than anything we could make up.  (immediately I’m off on thoughts about questions people might ask me, and the red shift may or may not be a Doppler shift…  ) and back to the page.  Writing this, and answering imaginary questions, has made me feel much better, thank god.
(The “astronomy teacher” is a part of me that’s very competent and knowledgeable.  I used to have a slide show about archeo-astronomy which I haven’t given for years.  I recently resurrected it as a video, and am beginning to give it to audiences.  No matter how bad I feel, lost in some traumatized child part of me, if the astronomy teacher is called on, I enlarge into a competent functional adult.)
O yes, the book also talked about love as the primary purpose/goal of spiritual practice.  At that point I start feeling like I did when reading Zen stories, these people are talking about something that I don’t know, have never experienced, will never reach.  This is based on the assumption that I’m an unloving person.  Then I look out the window at the trees and the rocks — I do love them.  And I do believe that God is inside every particle of matter, that the Universe is the amazingly beautiful dance of Divine Creativity with itself.
What have I done with my life?  I built Neskaya because I loved the dances and wanted to be able to share them.  Everything I’ve done, from sending money to Heifer, to writing my book, has been because I love the world – the world of people needing help, the world of Nature which is SO complex and beautiful, such an amazing creation, and I love the people too.  I don’t think I love people, because for so much of my life I’ve been scared and shy, and it’s hard to find people I can really talk to, and so many people have no idea what it’s like to live with PTSD that they hurt me badly by trying to help.  But when I see or hear stories of healing, or communities working together, or communities that are building a new way to be as I can see in the “Occupy” movement, I have no problem loving THOSE people.  I don’t trust my ability to be loving, because I don’t feel gushy feelings, and I don’t find it easy to make small talk, but do I want their lives to be better?  When I look at what I most deeply want, it’s that people — that EVERYBODY,  all sentient beings — should be happy and healthy.  I’m thinking that the way I love is more like what the book’s talking about, and differentiates from attachment.  God knows I’ve done a lot of work on releasing attachment, especially to the things I most care about: Neskaya, Lynelle, Bella.  I’ve had to let go of any agenda of how they should be and accept how they really are.

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Morning Sadness

Posted on January 25, 2012 by jenny

(Written in July 2006)
One of the consequences of depression is I wake with sadness every morning.  Sometimes I work on it in my journal.

Morning sadness.  Ache in my heart.
ME: Heart, can you tell me what the ache is about?
HEART: I long to create widely, hugely.  I long to love and see my love reflected in people having better lives.  I want friends who share my vision and will co-create a new world with me.  I want to spend all my time being creative, and not be wasting energy on “bureaucratic” tasks.  I love the earth and it hurts to see people treating her with disrespect.  It hurts that there are so many lives narrowed and stunted by the culture of empire.

It helps to read something like this:
From Crossing to Avalon, by Jean Shinoda Bolen: “In musing about these remarkable gardens of Findhorn that grow out of a wasteland, I am reminded of how similarly remarkable it is when someone with a bleak and barren childhood, devoid of security and full of abuse, does not respond in kind by becoming a battering, abusive cynical adult but instead becomes a loving person who can trust others.  It’s a miracle when someone’s life begins as a barren trash heap and ends up a garden.  On seeing “the garden” without knowing its history, we miss the meaning and wonder and inspiration that it exists at all, just as I almost did on seeing Findhorn.” (p212)

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Guidance

Posted on January 24, 2012 by jenny

(Written in July 2006)
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling an urge to push ahead with applying to have an art show and getting an “about Jenny” page up on the website.  I keep losing my energy due to fearing that this is some kind of “blowing my own horn” and not helpful to the big picture.  Please help me with this.
    Dear Jenny, it’s fine for you to blow your own horn.  Who else’s would you blow?  “Myself it speaks and spells, crying what I do is me for this I came.” Putting your art work out there, putting out the realities of your life so that these things can be resources for people who need it, is part of the ongoing evolution of the universe.  The work you do — on yourself, at Neskaya, with your art making — is very important work, despite the fact that it is not visible in the general culture.  It is important that you put it out there, so that others like you will know they aren’t alone, and that many things are possible.  Do not hold back.  Do not let your brother’s remarks stop you.  He is jealous of you as your mother was, he doesn’t understand you at all and this makes him angry.  He is trying to shrink you to make you fit his capacity for understanding.  Don’t take his remarks to heart.  Keep on going, and remember we love and support you.

The support of my Spirits led to writing an “About Jenny” page and posting it on the Neskaya website.  I got positive feedback, and that led ultimately to me doing this blog.
The Art Show happened in May 2007.
“What I do is me for this I came” is a line from a poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins.  First verse:

AS kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies dráw fláme;
As tumbled over rim in roundy wells
Stones ring; like each tucked string tells, each hung bell’s
Bow swung finds tongue to fling out broad its name;
Each mortal thing does one thing and the same:       
Deals out that being indoors each one dwells;
Selves—goes itself; myself it speaks and spells,
Crying Whát I do is me: for that I came.

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