I’m SO TIRED. and feeling very empty — of meaning, of reason to go on. Lynelle brought me the Cynthia Bourgeault CD’s on the “Wisdom Jesus.” I remember listening to them driving down to Kripalu and back. I really liked her. Lynelle recommended CD #6 which was “practices”, and the specific practice on Track 7. So I listened to it. She talks about being “available to god on a very deep level.” I was surprised to feel resistance. I had just been talking to god while walking the dog, saying that if they really wanted me to do the Sacred Sites program and the Sacred Calendar, then they had to give me some help. So I think, as I continue to struggle with roadblocks, that “god” has turned back into the judgmental, punitive god based on my alcoholic parents who made me wrong for needing help, gave me no support at all, told me “Why did you try if you didn’t know how to do it?”
Sitting here puzzling about all this, I ask myself what do I really want? Do I want to do the Will of God? Do I want to be available to God on the deep level? Do I want to do the Sacred Sites program if it’s not God’s will? If God wanted me not to do it would I drop it? I think the difficulty I’m having is that god has reverted to alcoholic parents. I’ve lost the welcoming god at the gate of heaven, and the Red Woman’s presence who loves everything I do. She was with me briefly on the walk, but I couldn’t sustain her presence, it’s just something I’m making up, isn’t it?
So then I ask — how do I understand the “will of god”? I think of the huge love that is presently creating the Universe. I think of Spirit, who clearly sent me on the trip on the Argonaut around the “Island World of Britain” where I saw Callanish for the first time. Spirit, who cleverly arranged for me to meet John Garber, thus starting the chain of events that led to Knocknarae and Stonehenge. But that’s thinking. What I feel are the roadblocks, the lack of energy or enthusiasm for the project. It feels like “surrendering to the will of god” means relaxing and stopping trying so hard. It reminds me of the time when I wrenched myself away from the desire for a particular shell, and what happened was an abundance of shells. How do I wrench myself away from this project?
So I got up and started the prunes. Normally I do my stretches while they’re cooking, but I’m wondering whether or not to push myself. I’ve been thinking maybe it’s the constant effort, effort, effort that tires me out. I also wondered this morning if it had to do with not seeing enough people? I remember Lynelle telling me that babies get lethargic if they don’t get enough attention.
It occurred to me that I could use Martha Beck’s “shackles on” and “shackles off” to help me negotiate this day. No shackles, so I built a fire. But I am feeling “shackles on” about doing roll & pour, fire breath, balance box. At least my ribs are better today, I could put logs in the stove with my right arm.
Lynelle referred me to Cynthia’s quote from a Sufi master, Kabir Helminski: “The person who makes all cares into one care, the care for simply staying present, will be cared for by that presence which is creative love.” I found that very helpful. No matter how tired and discouraged I am, I can always be present to tiredness and discouragement.
“Little Jenny with the Dar Gorani look” was named by a circle dancer who saw this photograph. Dar Gorani is a dance choreographed to Armenian music, using traditional Armenian gestures. We also call it the “prayer to the lost homeland” because it’s about being driven out of your home, and looking back to its beauty, and forward to the hope that you will be able to create a new home. In this picture I see a child who knows that somewhere out there is a better way to live, but where she is right now there is just the pain of not really being seen and supported by her alcoholic parents.