Scared & Discouraged

Posted on February 16, 2011 by jenny

(Written in January 2006)
Woke scared this morning.  Called Karen who called back pretty quickly.  She asked about yoga, art, writing for guidance.  I told her I’d done all those and gone out on snowshoes too.  She said then I had done everything I could do.  That my fear was causing me to check everything minutely to see if it’s working and then panic if it’s no better.  [I see now what I didn’t see then, this is hypervigilance.] She said I need to just keep going.  She talked about acceptance and surrender, but I don’t know how to do them.  I see that I can at least do my practices with the idea that they are helping me get through the day, and not ask that they make me better.

My heart is burning and squeezed.  I feel torn by fear and grief together.  A while back I had the thought that I could validate my feelings if I were dealing with major loss — but I am dealing with major loss, loss of a stable platform for my life.
It’s painfully discouraging to be so vulnerable, so easily triggered by a casual thought or an unconscious belief.  I don’t know what triggered the fear this morning, it woke me up.  I’m so tired of this.  I’ve lost my hope that I will ever arrive at a long enough period of stable brain chemistry to be able to just sink into my life and enjoy it.  I fear that the times that have felt good: when I was so pleased with how the house turned out and my creative process was flowing, when I felt so good last fall — undistorted and confident, that these good times are just rare peaks in a journey that mostly travels in dark valleys.  Maybe even feeling good about myself and my life triggers depression because of the old, old belief that it’s not OK to feel good about myself.  “Don’t think you’re so great.” And if that’s true, what’s the point in going on living?  Wounded so badly that it can’t live, why not kill it, put it out of its pain.
Well. Analysis doesn’t help.  I was OK yesterday and I will be OK again.

Affirmation:  Spirit is in charge and Spirit has a plan in which there’s a place and a use for a creature as wounded as I am.  Just as I am, I am part of the plan.  Just as I am, I am doing the work of Spirit.

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The Grief Recovery Handbook

Posted on February 15, 2011 by jenny

The Grief Recovery Handbook was written by John W. James and Russell Friedman.  It was first published 20 years ago, and mostly focused on losses by death or divorce.  The authors have continued to work with people and revised their process as they learned more.  The exercises are designed for a group of people.  It’s also possible to work with a single partner.  Having someone witness your losses is essential to the process.
A friend recommended the book to me because it had helped another friend to deal with the death of her mother.  I had been part of a women’s group that was disbanding because we were finding it hard to find a time to meet that worked for all of us.  One of the women said she didn’t want to talk about pain any more, she wanted to have fun.  I described the grief process and asked if anyone would do it with me.  They all said no and that was very painful.  Nobody said it explicitly, but I felt defective, there was something wrong with me that I hadn’t been able to get past my grief.
This was during a time a couple of years ago when I was so disabled by PTSD that I was having a hard time cooking and eating and walking the dog.  I had asked some friends to help me and they were wonderfully supportive.  I asked these same friends if they would be willing to listen to me read from my loss history work.  They were wonderfully helpful and supportive.  I also read them some of what I’d written in my journal during the really hard times.  I was surprised to find that having people witness my pain would have such a powerful healing effect.

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Discontented

Posted on February 14, 2011 by jenny

(Written in March 2009)
I went to Karen.  I started reading her the loss history pages — got to the stuff about Fred and sexual dysfunction, I started to cry, so I just went into it.  I cried and screamed and pounded and kicked.  I tried to pay attention to what my body wanted and let that happen.  Then I was tired and collapsed, curled up & rested.  I was exhausted after the session — it was hard work driving home.
Driving over & back I looked for god in the landscape, without success.  I looked for a sign, but there was none.  I didn’t feel desperate, just open to whatever, without expectations.  I also find myself asking “What shall I do with the rest of my life?” Again without desperation or much in the way of expectation, I feel very open and empty.  I understand that this may go on for a while and I’m OK with that.
I feel sad & a little discontented.  I think this happens when the worst of the pain is over but I still haven’t started any new projects.  I think this is what drives me to do too much — sign up for workshops etc.  This time I want to stay quiet, be with myself in the discontent, love my discontented self if possible, and stay open to a message from Spirit to let me know what to do next.
7:44 AM The Equinox just happened.  I was looking at the WeMoon calendar & filling in the last few days.  I looked at the clock and it was 7:43.  That certainly seems like a sign — that the seasonal changes and sacred calendar are part of my vocation.  Synchronistically, Sue Monk Kidd also awakened just in time for Equinox during part of her journey.

“Loss History Pages” are part of the program in The Grief Recovery Handbook

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Fragile and Lost

Posted on February 13, 2011 by jenny

(Written in March 2009)
So how am I feeling?  Fragile and lost.  Not quite as easy to be with as it was on Sunday.
I actually felt very strange last night after I got back from dance — lost, not quite here.  Caryn says “lost” comes with the territory, it’s part of shifting from the old ways to something new and healthy.

Notes from session with Caryn:
The way I am stabilizing core is not fixation but orientation to present.
Fixation is orientation to the past.
Stabilization is a dynamic response to now.
Fear = Freeze
Dial down the charge of the fear
Notice grief, pain, flow

It was hard work.  Felt very lost driving down, a little better coming back.  Can’t remember enough of the session to write about it.  I said I was upset she’ll be away, she said she didn’t like it either, didn’t like leaving me for so long with me in such bad shape.  I had hoped I would be starting to feel better by now.
Caryn did say “Why do these things resurface 30 years later?   — perhaps because the person becomes more resourced and can handle them.”
O yes, working with fear, found pain and grief under the fear.  First one had my hands moving, at first like wringing, then it seemed like I was pushing stuff on, away, out — odd fibrous stuff like seaweed.  Image of the waves gently nudging & rolling the seaweed & moving it along the shore.

[This was the first appearance of the image that became the “Braid of Misery” in the ritual I did last November.]

The second time we worked on the shock of fear I felt this morning.  A burst like a dandelion gone to seed (like “shocked heart”) — she suggested could I turn the volume down so I “turned” a knob & saw the fibers grow soft and limp.  Staying with the soft limp piece I found hurt — being hurt by Mom & spoke up “you hurt me and then made it be that I was too sensitive instead of that you were cruel.” Caryn suggested I was integrating it, making a container big enough to hold the hurt child and my adult understanding.
When I got home, Eleanor came to say goodbye.  She said she could see that I was working very hard in one area of my life & that I would have no energy for other things.  I told her about the huge grief I felt and was trying to move along.

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Community & Guidance

Posted on February 11, 2011 by jenny

I went to WREN for a presentation about solar hot water.  The idea is to do it like a barn-raising, get a group of people together and labor is free.  There’s a group of people in Plymouth who do it, and they’re hoping to start a similar group here.  I didn’t realize til close to the end that they were talking about domestic hot water.  I want it for heating my house.

Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, the corporations bought Congress, and now they’re systematically dismantling the progressive legislation we worked so hard to get through.  They’re even going after Roe vs. Wade.  I’m deeply discouraged.  Please help me.
Dear Jenny, we love you and we support your concern for the earth and for disadvantaged people.  We remind you again, that this world is an illusion, that despite the horrors caused by greed and selfishness, there are still people offering love and compassion, getting together in small groups to do something positive, like the group you met with last night.  Remember to do the three things that Angeles Arrien recommends:

1) prayer, or sacred intention
2) gratitude
3) one life-serving action.

WREN is the Women’s Rural Entrepreneurial Network in Bethlehem NH

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Bodymind Work with Kevin

Posted on February 9, 2011 by jenny

(Written in September 2007)
Very interesting work with Kevin.  I described the headache.  He decided to be “provocative” — first moving my legs around the hip sockets, then doing some work on the “belly wall” — can’t remember if I stopped him or if he asked me to rest & see what comes up.  First was a sense of more flexibility in the belly area, easier to breathe but also more vulnerable.  I put my hands over my belly.  Then began to feel activity in those major neck muscles that are implicated in the headache.  Then quivering in my cheeks & lips.  The WORK to allow it to happen, not interfere.  Then there was tension in my jaw — o but maybe it was tiredness — tired from being tense for so long.  I worked at letting it be OK, both the tense and the tired.  A sense of wanting everybody to be here, the angry defensive ones, and the shy withdrawn ones.  An image of a cave in the bombed-out village — the woman me stirring soup, the traumatized children coming in.  I cried, welcoming them ALL in.  Told Kevin about “speak” (a novel about a teenage girl who’s been raped) and my sense of a similar persona in me.  Wanting to give her a voice.  Increased energy in my jawbone — feels almost swollen, also energy around my ears — sense of large ears, cat’s ears, with points.  Kevin talked about the “kinesphere”, the sense of space around you — there’s a visual space and an auditory space — hearing with non physical ears.  I also had the experience of feeling animals in my movement — a heron when I stretched my neck, a monkey when I grimaced.  A sense of connection with biology, with the stuff that’s hard-wired.
Other things we worked on: the “boundary” issue — being able to tell when I’ve “had enough” — Kevin willing to give me more space to find out.  “Boundary” not really a good word —   Kevin’s phrase “internal self-regulating intelligence.”   Also worked on shoulders —— pressure of hands against surface — try to contact the surface with as much skin as possible (as in downward dog) helps the shoulder muscles activate properly.  We also did a push hands — I like it best as a negotiated dance — having too often experienced either being overpowered, or having the other person collapse.  So rarely being met exactly where I am.

Kevin Frank is an amazing body worker in Holderness, NH

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Good Day

Posted on February 7, 2011 by jenny

(Written in February 2010)
Got up because I couldn’t breathe.  Otherwise it was perfectly comfortable to lie in bed.  So wonderful! To be comfortable in my body — despite the cold which is a small annoyance.  So wonderful not to feel any push push push.  So amazing to be content with not being able to do very much beyond reading, working on the puzzle, & working at the computer.
I did take the dog for a short walk — it was sunny — we went in behind the police station.  A nice short walk — it’s good to get to the river so quickly.  I also went through a lot of 2008 to get material for the blog.  What an intense year!

Went to Montpelier yesterday.  The session with Karen was fun in a way because I was feeling great.  I had meant to bring the Resource notebook but forgot.  So I talked about the good things — the blog and how much fun it’s being, Bobbi’s comment about my new ability to laugh and receive positive feedback.
I actually felt happy driving home, the landscape looked beautiful instead of bleak, tho maybe that was just the sun being out.
I got inspired by some constructions I saw at the League store.  It looked like they were painted on flat pieces of driftwood and then wired together.  There was an angel which looked a little like Beverly.  I’d like to make some to hang in the woods.  I realize that the Moon Woman is a bit fragile, the cloth will get wet, and taken for nests, and it will biodegrade.  It might be nice to have some sturdier pieces as well.

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Feeling like an Abandoned Baby

Posted on February 6, 2011 by jenny

(Written in March 2007)
Bleak and cold.  No warmth no love anywhere.  I tell myself this is what an infant feels when Mom is gone.
Another possibility is that this coldness represents a defense against a worse pain — I remember when Lynelle said “Too much pain” and I burst into tears.  I try to bring softness and kindness — There, there, little one.  It was not OK that she left you alone like that.  It was not your fault.  You were a beautiful loving creative child and she could not stand it.  It was not your fault.  You did everything you could.  Nothing worked because she was a narcissistic alcoholic, she only paid attention to her own pain and how to numb it.

Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling so cold and lost.  Please help me.
Dear Jenny, we love you.  We are all around you loving you.  Relax and let yourself take it in.  You have a hard time accepting it because your mother hurt you so badly.  It’s really OK to relax and let yourself take in our love.  There, there, dear.  You deserved to be cherished, encouraged, and supported.

Lynelle came in to say Hi & I told her about being in the place of no love.  She affirmed that this is what a baby feels like when Mom is gone. She reminded me that my therapist Karen is away. She suggested I call Karen’s machine to hear her voice.  So I did — alas, the new message was Peter’s voice, but he said “Peter and Karen will be back on April 4” so I know there’s only a week to go and that’s reassuring.  Lynelle also said that having this early stuff be so present means it’s healing.  I hope she’s right.  At least it helped a lot.  I’m able to be with myself with compassion which I couldn’t do before.
I went over to see Kayla and told her how I was feeling.  At one point I said “I deserved to be cherished, supported and encouraged” and she said “Yes!  Completely!” — which really helped.  I really need to hear it from outside.

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After the Ecstasy, the Laundry

Posted on February 5, 2011 by jenny

I find it very comforting that Jack Kornfield says that even after ecstatic “enlightenment” experiences people have trouble when they go back to “the World.” The wounds of childhood are still unhealed and a lot of spiritual practice is necessary to learn to live in community.

From After the Ecstasy, the Laundry p220
“Most of us in spiritual life have to go through a large measure of family healing…  My family pain had been covered over in my early monastic meditation…   But it was there underneath, waiting, unconsciously influencing my whole way of being, and when I returned to family and to intimate relationships, the struggles all came back…
“To find myself still struggling with my emotions was hard.  I needed the assistance of both meditation and therapy before I could acknowledge the deepest levels of fear, anger, judgement, and grief I carried.  The therapist was essential as a compassionate witness, another being to help me face the images and fears I carried in my body, everything that I had not been able to face alone.  I saw how much the old patterns had reinforced my small sense of self.  In the face of pain in our family, my brothers and I had each become regularly depressed or angry, fearful, cynical, needy or cautious.  These deep wounds remain part of each of us to this day, but by opening to them, we begin to lessen their power.
“Perhaps this is the best we can do: to help when we can; to witness each other with kindness; to offer our presence; to show the trust we have in life.  Spiritual life is not about knowing much, but about loving much.”

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Living with Debilitating Chronic Illness

Posted on February 4, 2011 by jenny

(Written in January 2007)

I’ve been thinking more thoughts at R, trying once again to explain what my life is like.  From the perspective that Kayla understood, that what I’m up against is a physiological process, not psychological or emotional, though it does have emotional consequences.  I’m not a person who sits around feeling sorry for myself.  I’m more like a person living with a debilitating chronic illness, and trying to live with it with as much grace and dignity as possible.  I’ve done a lot of talk therapy, and other therapies, and personal growth workshops, and they’ve all given me skills to manage my life better.  But the only things that have actually had a real impact have been ones that work directly on the body: medication, Somatic Experiencing, and thyroid supplements.

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