(Written in March 2007)
Bleak and cold. No warmth no love anywhere. I tell myself this is what an infant feels when Mom is gone.
Another possibility is that this coldness represents a defense against a worse pain — I remember when Lynelle said “Too much pain” and I burst into tears. I try to bring softness and kindness — There, there, little one. It was not OK that she left you alone like that. It was not your fault. You were a beautiful loving creative child and she could not stand it. It was not your fault. You did everything you could. Nothing worked because she was a narcissistic alcoholic, she only paid attention to her own pain and how to numb it.
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling so cold and lost. Please help me.
Dear Jenny, we love you. We are all around you loving you. Relax and let yourself take it in. You have a hard time accepting it because your mother hurt you so badly. It’s really OK to relax and let yourself take in our love. There, there, dear. You deserved to be cherished, encouraged, and supported.
Lynelle came in to say Hi & I told her about being in the place of no love. She affirmed that this is what a baby feels like when Mom is gone. She reminded me that my therapist Karen is away. She suggested I call Karen’s machine to hear her voice. So I did — alas, the new message was Peter’s voice, but he said “Peter and Karen will be back on April 4” so I know there’s only a week to go and that’s reassuring. Lynelle also said that having this early stuff be so present means it’s healing. I hope she’s right. At least it helped a lot. I’m able to be with myself with compassion which I couldn’t do before.
I went over to see Kayla and told her how I was feeling. At one point I said “I deserved to be cherished, supported and encouraged” and she said “Yes! Completely!” — which really helped. I really need to hear it from outside.