(Written in March 2009)
I went to Karen. I started reading her the loss history pages — got to the stuff about Fred and sexual dysfunction, I started to cry, so I just went into it. I cried and screamed and pounded and kicked. I tried to pay attention to what my body wanted and let that happen. Then I was tired and collapsed, curled up & rested. I was exhausted after the session — it was hard work driving home.
Driving over & back I looked for god in the landscape, without success. I looked for a sign, but there was none. I didn’t feel desperate, just open to whatever, without expectations. I also find myself asking “What shall I do with the rest of my life?” Again without desperation or much in the way of expectation, I feel very open and empty. I understand that this may go on for a while and I’m OK with that.
I feel sad & a little discontented. I think this happens when the worst of the pain is over but I still haven’t started any new projects. I think this is what drives me to do too much — sign up for workshops etc. This time I want to stay quiet, be with myself in the discontent, love my discontented self if possible, and stay open to a message from Spirit to let me know what to do next.
7:44 AM The Equinox just happened. I was looking at the WeMoon calendar & filling in the last few days. I looked at the clock and it was 7:43. That certainly seems like a sign — that the seasonal changes and sacred calendar are part of my vocation. Synchronistically, Sue Monk Kidd also awakened just in time for Equinox during part of her journey.
“Loss History Pages” are part of the program in The Grief Recovery Handbook