Fragile and Lost

(Written in March 2009)
So how am I feeling?  Fragile and lost.  Not quite as easy to be with as it was on Sunday.
I actually felt very strange last night after I got back from dance — lost, not quite here.  Caryn says “lost” comes with the territory, it’s part of shifting from the old ways to something new and healthy.

Notes from session with Caryn:
The way I am stabilizing core is not fixation but orientation to present.
Fixation is orientation to the past.
Stabilization is a dynamic response to now.
Fear = Freeze
Dial down the charge of the fear
Notice grief, pain, flow

It was hard work.  Felt very lost driving down, a little better coming back.  Can’t remember enough of the session to write about it.  I said I was upset she’ll be away, she said she didn’t like it either, didn’t like leaving me for so long with me in such bad shape.  I had hoped I would be starting to feel better by now.
Caryn did say “Why do these things resurface 30 years later?   — perhaps because the person becomes more resourced and can handle them.”
O yes, working with fear, found pain and grief under the fear.  First one had my hands moving, at first like wringing, then it seemed like I was pushing stuff on, away, out — odd fibrous stuff like seaweed.  Image of the waves gently nudging & rolling the seaweed & moving it along the shore.

[This was the first appearance of the image that became the “Braid of Misery” in the ritual I did last November.]

The second time we worked on the shock of fear I felt this morning.  A burst like a dandelion gone to seed (like “shocked heart”) — she suggested could I turn the volume down so I “turned” a knob & saw the fibers grow soft and limp.  Staying with the soft limp piece I found hurt — being hurt by Mom & spoke up “you hurt me and then made it be that I was too sensitive instead of that you were cruel.” Caryn suggested I was integrating it, making a container big enough to hold the hurt child and my adult understanding.
When I got home, Eleanor came to say goodbye.  She said she could see that I was working very hard in one area of my life & that I would have no energy for other things.  I told her about the huge grief I felt and was trying to move along.

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