Break the Chain

This year I wanted to dance Break the Chain with the women in Saint Johnsbury.  We were completely snowed out on V-day, February 14, so they rescheduled for Friday, March 7, in honor of International Women’s Day which is March 8.  I was really glad to have the chance to do the dance with a bunch of women.  I’m a survivor too, I was molested by my father and raped by a date.  And it gets me down — I periodically feel worthless, broken, degraded.  So taking action to break that chain with others is a ritual that really feels good.

Video of this year’s dancing

Last year’s post on V-Day

Posted in Activism, Healing, Interesting link, Present Day | Comments Off on Break the Chain

Finding Compassion

Yesterday I talked to my friend Elizabeth.  I wrote down some of the things she said.

Today I woke up feeling the usual misery.  I tried to bring compassion to it.  Then I thought, as Elizabeth said, that I was hardening my heart against myself.  Then I felt an awful pain in my heart, that convinced me that Elizabeth was right.  I’m angry at myself for messing up whatever it was that was bringing me the days of grace.

Take a big step back.  Here’s this woman, who’s struggled with depression and terror and self-hatred for her whole life.  She’s had very little real happiness.  Recently she had the experience of being comfortable in her life and in her body, that she was doing just what she was supposed to be doing.  She felt better than she’s ever felt before.  It lasted for a few days, then faded and returned for almost a month, then disappeared.  This woman felt very disappointed and sad at the loss of the “days of grace.”  Now she’s very angry at herself for wrecking this good thing.  She doesn’t know how to make it happen, she doesn’t know why it went away, but she’s blaming herself for doing something wrong.  She doesn’t know how to turn it around, and she’s angry at herself for that.  Elizabeth saw a dynamic of a mother hating a helpless frightened baby, which sounds very accurate.  I think “inner cold mother” and feel my heart soften.  O the poor thing!  How painful to be hating your baby.  And she probably feels justified and she probably also hates herself for not being a good mother.  Her husband is away and she has no one to turn to.  My heart just goes out to her.  There’s the compassion I’ve been trying to find.  There, there, dear.  you did not mean to scare the baby.  Nobody ever taught you how to be a good mother.  I’m sorry you’ve been in so much pain.

As I paid attention to this mother, I could feel her hating her baby, hating herself for being a bad mother, hating her baby because the baby wouldn’t be comforted and that made her feel like a bad mother….  and having no resources at all to deal with it.  So there’s no way she could be conscious of any of it.  What an intolerable bind.  No wonder she drank.

 

Posted in Depression, Healing, Present Day | Comments Off on Finding Compassion

Authentic Power

From Gary Zukav, the Heart of the Soul

“Authentic power is the alignment of your personality with your soul.” p29

“Authentic power is the human experience without the limitations of fear, self-doubt, and self-hatred.  When you locate and challenge the parts of yourself that judge, criticize, despair, envy, and hate, you remove the parts of yourself that stand between you and authentic power.  When you locate and nurture the parts of yourself that appreciate all of Life, including your own life, you cultivate authentic power.”   p32

“Authentic power is the experience of fulfillment, no matter what you are doing.  It is knowing that the person you are with is the person you are supposed to be with.  All that you say and all that you do is appropriate.  You have no thoughts of fear.”   p33

This is exactly how I was feeling during my “days of grace.”  I describe them in the posts Epiphany and Epiphany 2.  There were four days like that, and then I fell back into scared and sad.  But I’ve been able to keep doing what I thought had helped me, and I’ve had more “days of grace.”  This morning I woke up OK, and as I was writing in my journal I felt a wash of sadness.  I greeted it with affection, put my arms around it, honored it, welcomed it.  It faded while I was still writing.

Posted in Healing, Present Day, Spirit | Comments Off on Authentic Power

“False Urgency”

Back in 2001 I broke my wrist.  I had gone down to rescue a car that was partway up the driveway.  The weather was freezing rain, and the ice on the driveway was pretty serious, which was why my friend couldn’t get the car all the way up.  After I’d been to the hospital, got a cast, struggled with getting on with only one hand — it was my right wrist, so I had to learn to write with my left hand among other things — I gave some thought to how did I come to do such a stupid thing.  I thought about the car, it wasn’t going to die from being left on the driveway overnight, it wasn’t going to get hit by someone else coming up the driveway, there was plenty of room, so why did I feel that it must, must, MUST be brought up to the top.  I thought about what a fuss my father would have made about something like that.  I saw that I had created urgency where there wasn’t any.  Later, as I learned more about PTSD, I realized that that feeling of urgency was always there, whether or not it was justified by current circumstances.  I started naming it as “false urgency” so I could choose not to rush out and do whatever it was.

Posted in Healing, Trauma | Comments Off on “False Urgency”

Waiting

Since I’ve been essentially trying to let go of “false urgency” (which is a consequence of trauma) and learning to wait in silence, I went back to reread Sue Monk Kidd on waiting.  from When the Heart Waits

“Referring to the [inner] Guide, Thomas Merton said ‘We don’t have to rush after it.  It was there all the time, and if we give it time, it will make itself known to us.’”   p124

‘Bernanos “Grace is everywhere.”  The statement appalls me at times.  But then so many things about God appall me.  The immense, unreasonable love for us, the outrageous insistence that in the weak and broken there is divine Presence, the indomitable faith in us as children of hope, to mention a few.’  p124-5

“To take upon ourselves the posture of sitting while Jesus prays brings us into the most grace-ful mystery of the waiting experience that there is: that of opening to the intimate presence of the Spirit praying within, penetrating, speaking, and holding us in our darkness.

“Again the emphasis isn’t on what we’re doing but on what God is doing.  Ultimately we don’t heal, transform or create ourselves.  We posture ourselves in ways that allow God to heal, transform and create us.  The posture of sitting while Jesus prays reminds us that the Spirit is active and speaking.  Our part is to learn to sit, yielding to God’s activity in us, opening ourselves to divine prayer, listening to the silent words.”    p136

“Hesychasm [Greek for “rest” and “prayer”] was a way of unceasing prayer in which a person descended into the heart and built a nest for herself and God, a place where she rested in the divine Presence, staying there throughout her day, throughout her pain, conflict, and struggle.

“To sit while Jesus prays brings us to this kind of nesting in the heart.  It allows us a replenishing rest in which we can be still and listen to the prayers and words that the Spirit whispers inside us.”      p137

“Julian of Norwich wrote that our wounds become the womb.  This touching image points us to the awareness that transformation hinges on our ability to turn our pain (the tomb) into a fertile place where life is birthed (the womb).

“… the actual groping and searching is the way our deeper self evolves and is released.”   p159

Father Sylvan:  “It is through the medium of total self-inquiry that the forces of good and evil can meet and be reconciled within us.”    p159

Thinking of god in a nest in my heart brought the most extraordinary experience of loving god.  I have never felt that before.

Posted in Healing, Spirit, Trauma | Comments Off on Waiting

Conscious Choices for Authenticity

from Gary Zukav, The Seat of the Soul

This quote is from a chapter on addiction.  I found it very helpful.  Even though I am neither addicted to PTSD, nor attracted to experiencing depression and terror, I do suddenly find myself terrified. Very much like the alcoholic who, having decided not to drink, suddenly finds herself with a glass of whiskey in her hand.  I would suddenly be triggered into despair or terror, would be there without conscious choice, would not even know what triggered it.  I am finally beginning to catch myself before I start traveling down the long well-traveled neural path that leads to negative thinking, and make the decision not to go there.  A number of things have helped me, not the least is my brother Jack teaching me the prayer: “Dear God, please remove my fear, and redirect me toward what you would have me be.”  And my friend Eve, who introduced me to Gary Zukav.  I am SO grateful.

“If your decision is to become whole, hold that decision.  You will not be as tempted or frightened as you think.  Hold it and remind yourself again and again: You stand between your lesser self and your whole self.  Choose with wisdom because the power is now fully in your hands.  Do not underestimate the power of consciousness.  As you live and make conscious choices each moment and each day you fill with strength and your lesser self disintegrates.

“As you choose to empower yourself, the part of you that you challenge will surface again and again.  Each time that you challenge it, you gain power and it loses power…   If you look upon each recurrence of attraction as a setback, or as an indication that your intention is not working, you choose the path of learning through fear and doubt.  If you look upon each recurrence as an opportunity that is offered to you, in response to your intention, to release your inadequacy and to acquire power over it, you choose the path of learning through wisdom, for that is what it is.

“The first time that you challenge your addiction, and the second, and the third, you may not feel that anything has been accomplished.  Do you think that authentic power can be had so easily?”  pp156-7

Posted in Healing, Present Day, Spirit, Trauma | Comments Off on Conscious Choices for Authenticity

The Intenders of the Highest Good

My friend Christine introduced me to this site, and it gave me a great surge of hope.  There is something REAL that I can do about all those awful situations I feel powerless to change.  I know there is great power in setting an intention, reading it out loud, sharing it with others and supporting others in their own intentions.  I see it as a form of prayer, it just has a little more punch.  It you want to, you can always add the words “This will be for the greatest good of all.”

The Intenders of the Highest Good

Here’s a vision I wrote about 20 years ago, slightly revised:

We envision people living in harmony and goodwill with their neighbors, and in a state of material prosperity.  We envision people having satisfying work to do, and having time for artistic pursuits or games or sports or being with Nature, or just interesting visits with each other.  Everyone is able to travel anywhere on the planet, without passports and without fear, not because a homogeneous civilization has been imposed by a planetary state, but because people are in touch with their universal kinship.  When you go to different parts of the world you find people and clothing and food and music and songs and dances that are different from what you have at home.  All of this is founded on a sense of reverence and joy in living on the earth and sharing the cycles of the seasons.

Posted in Healing, Interesting link, Spirit | Comments Off on The Intenders of the Highest Good

The Miracle of Snow

A little dusting of snow last night, so every branch and twig is outlined, a picture postcard snow, a magical snow.  The sky is still grey, so the colors are all soft pale pastels.  It made me think what a miraculous sight I see from my windows.  In order to have snow and trees, a number of conditions must be fulfilled.  First, there has to be a planet the right distance from its sun such that water exists as vapor, liquid and frozen.  A process of water evaporating, rising up into colder air and becoming clouds,  clouds high enough and cold enough so the water will crystallize into the wonderful delicate hexagonal shapes of snowflakes which then start to fall.  They have to meet with the right conditions as they fall, if it gets warm they melt and become rain, if it gets warmer still they evaporate again and never get to the ground.  A phenomenon I’ve seen here in New England, but it’s more likely in desert areas — you see the cloud, and the rain, but the slanting lines of rain stop partway down.  There also can’t be any warm updrafts, or the snowflakes melt, become droplets, and freeze again, falling as hail or sleet.  Then there’s always freezing rain, as rain falls on a very cold surface and freezes.  I expect the processes that deliver the different types of precipitation are more complex than I’ve offered here, but that only makes snow more of a miracle.

As for trees, to create a tree requires atoms of Carbon, Oxygen, Hydrogen, Nickel, Iron, etc. in a chemical soup, in a warmish puddle or pond or lake.  Each of the atoms that are heavier than hydrogen have to be synthesized inside a giant star which then explodes, scattering the heavier atoms back into the cloud of hydrogen where they can combine to form a planet.  Where did the hydrogen come from in the first place?  Some think it was just there to be the material for the “Big Bang.”  Others make the assumption that it is a property of space to create hydrogen atoms.  Now that we’ve discovered that atoms aren’t “atom” — indivisible — but made up of smaller parts, of which new ones are discovered every day, it’s possible to imagine that these smaller parts, in another dimension, self-organize to become a hydrogen atom which emerges into our space-time.  Once you’ve got hydrogen, you can go on the create stars, which create the heavier atoms, etc.   But I digress.

Back to trees, back to carbon, oxygen, hydrogen in a puddle on a planet that’s just the right distance from the sun.  The atoms do a beautiful thing, they self-organize into molecules, which then self-organize into cells, which then self-organize into multi-celled creatures, which then become plants which then co-evolve into many sizes, shapes and types to create healthy ecosystems.  And there were trees.  And it was evening and it was morning, the Third Day.

By the way, Darwin never said “survival of the fittest.”  That was a convenient phrase for the wealthy creators of industrialism who wanted to justify their exploitation of natural resources and people.  Unfortunately there are still people who believe in survival of the fittest as justifying rich people not helping poor people.  The understanding now is that a particular eco-system consists of creatures co-evolving to make the most use of the available resources.

Finally, there is the question of seasons on the planet.  I suspect that the planet also has to have its axis tilted to the plane of its orbit, or trees and snow won’t co-exist.  I’m guessing that the range of angles the axis can take is somewhere around the earth’s tilt of 23°.  If a planet’s axis is hardly tilted at all, there will be ice and tundra at the poles and rainforest around the equator, and only in the temperate latitudes will there be a chance of large trees evolving that then occasionally have snow falling on them.  That’s likely to be extremely rare.  I’d love to know if someone has made a study of this.

For more information:  do a google search for “complexity” or “complex adaptive systems”    Slideshare is helpful, but you have to create an account.  The book Complexity is good, and there’s probably a lot of other stuff out now.  There’s also a page on my blog called “At Home in the Universe,” that talks about this process.  For myself, I am very happy with this idea of how the universe creates itself.  This process, so complex and beautiful and elegant, is nothing less than divine.  The fact that it gives rise to sentient beings who are capable of cooperation, self-organization, and compassion leaves me with no doubt at all that it is a spiritual process.

Posted in Present Day, Spirit | Comments Off on The Miracle of Snow

Kicked about like a Football

Of course, I wasn’t able to stay in my wonderful, comfortable state of feeling like I belonged on the planet earth, and everything I was doing was what I was meant to do.  I got triggered, more than once, and by Sunday January 26 I was back to feeling “scared and sad.”  I’ve actually been in much worse states of scared and sad — states of terror and despair — but this felt really awful coming after feeling so good.

(Written December 27, 2013)
I’ve been having trouble understanding how I could work so hard for so long, have done so many things right, and still keep falling into depression and terror.  I opened Fox’s Power Through Constructive Thinking to a story about Dick Whittington — god clearly directed my fingers — because there was an explanation:

“The children of this world … are well adapted to worldly conditions, and, if they are reasonably sensible folk, they get on well enough with the world as it is.  Those, however, who have developed and brought into manifestation the spiritual faculty are of another order.  … they can no longer live … in the pagan atmosphere of Mammon…

“A transition stage, when the spiritual faculty had been developed, but is … not yet born onto the plane of manifestation: and this is the stage where so much trouble appears.  In this stage, your spiritual faculty … is mature enough to have unfitted you for the atmosphere of the world, but it is not mature enough to take charge of and manage your affairs in the light of the Spirit.  And now you are likely to have a bad time.  Because you do not belong to the world, it will kick you about like a football, and the harder you struggle, the worse will things get.  This, nevertheless, is the time to rejoice and lift up your heart, for now, if you are faithful, your salvation is very nigh.  These hard knocks are the indication that you are no longer in bondage to material law.”  pp152-3

I love the world and I want what’s best for it.  Please, god, remove from me everything that gets in the way of me healing and hearing your will and doing it in the world.

Posted in Guidance, Spirit | Comments Off on Kicked about like a Football

Learning from Emmet Fox

This was written at the end of December.  As I type it up, I see that the prayer at the end may also be part of the healing I experienced last week.

I read some of the bits and pieces of Emmet Fox that Jack wanted me to read.  One of the things I really want to try is the Seven Day Mental Diet where you try to entertain only positive thoughts.  He says it’s OK to have a negative thought come in to your mind, but not to dwell on it.  The only way to really do that is to immediately focus on something “positive, constructive, optimistic, kind.”  My difficulty with this is not wanting to ignore people who are in trouble or struggling.  I don’t want to turn away from them.  It came to me this morning that I could pray for things to get better for them.

One thing I have trouble with is he says you can “choose” your moods.  This has not been my experience.  Moods get triggered, they come out of the blue.  I have tried to not buy into them by saying something like “this is brain chemistry, it is not the reality of my life.”  I’m seeing now that though I have contradicted the mood, I haven’t substituted something positive.  What if I went on to say “the reality of my life is that I love the world, all its beings and things, and I want what’s best for all.”

I’ve come up against another block — a major one — I say “Yes, I believe miracles happen, but one will never happen for me,” “Yes, prayer is effective, but not my prayers”  — because I’m so defective, worthless and rotten?  Jack says that’s just as much ego as the one that says “me first.”  According to Emmet Fox, I can pray to have that block removed — and I do so pray.  Please, god, remove my block to receiving the fullness of being you intend for me.  Please, god, I want that kind of life in which I don’t make decisions, you make them for me.  I offer myself to this process.

Posted in Depression, Healing, Spirit | Comments Off on Learning from Emmet Fox