(Written in October 2008)
Session with Caryn. Worked with the high activation. I have difficulty describing it. A squarish lump of compressed energy in my chest. That feeling when you’re startled & breathe in & stop, hunching shoulders. I feel like I can’t breathe but I am in fact breathing right through it. Caryn suggested full speed ahead and brake on simultaneously which is a good description. Resource: safely ensconced in my corner (“Mine!”) sitting with legs crossed, I’m aware of my body as a solid lump, roughly pyramid shaped with heavy triangular base, soft weight sinking down, contained yet a little malleable. I thought of the body of Patches, my beanbag angel. On this solid base, images of activation at the top: breathing opening up a space that is less dense, granite exfoliating, breaking up, falling down to talus slope of repose. Thinking about geology, and the huge long process: the melted rock rising, cooling in a chamber, the overburden eroding off, the release of pressure leading to disintegration and collapse. The very long time scale comforts me, if I seem to be moving “too slowly” or to be stuck, it’s helpful to remember that some processes take a long time. Found a very comforting quote in Doidge: “Learning plateaus were temporary — part of a plasticity-based learning cycle — in which stages of learning are followed by periods of consolidation. Though there was no apparent progress in the consolidation stage, biological changes were happening internally, as new skills became more automatic and refined.” p24
At one point I began to feel positively excited — it was after I saw myself as a solid weight, like a mountain, and the activation was like confetti scattered on the surface. Caryn “what would the confetti like to do?” I asked it and got no answer, but then I saw an image of taking the confetti and putting it on a piece of paper on my easel — making a collage. That became an image of something I’ve been thinking of doing — creating an impressionist painting by dipping my fingertips in paint and making dots on the paper. I moved my hands, miming moving the dots from my knees to the paper. Caryn said “slow it down” and then I thought of the paint and imagined feeling the texture of the paint with my fingers. I really got into it and began to feel that I might actually be able to get into my studio and do it in real life!!! That’s where the excitement came and it started low in my body — o gosh maybe at about the hara — and was clearly energy available to take some action, instead of energy spinning out into words & ideas & imaginary conversations. That reminded me of the experience with Ingrid Bacci, where the energy was a blazing warmth in my chest, my legs were solid, and my head felt cool. A totally different experience from the global high activation which I now find very uncomfortable because it doesn’t go anywhere.
Right now I’m feeling: the weight of my butt on the couch, feet on the floor, weight of legs resting, my head is cool, and there’s a kind of cramp in my heart, a lump of grief, that I can be easy with. just give it space and allow it to breathe.
Caryn suggested that the global high activation happened because the initial activation was stopped, clamped down on, instead of being allowed to move as it needed to. She suggested I try to slow it down so I can watch and see how it happens. Yesterday I was already in it, but today, with my head feeling cool, and the energy all sunk down, I feel like I might be able to see how it happens.
Norman Doidge, The Brain that Changes Itself
