Somatic Experiencing

(Written in October 2008)
Session with Caryn.  Amazing.  I told her about falling apart so badly Tuesday night.  She asked me to reproduce how it felt in my body and I had a sense of the frantic frozen traumatized baby.  She suggested I hold something, a pillow or a box, to be the baby.  The box of Kleenex was what felt right because it’s rigid and stiff, and I was able to hold it, contain it, tell it it was just fine: “you don’t need to figure anything out, you don’t need to do anything, you don’t need to change.  I’m right here and I’m not going to leave you.” So I sat with the box, feeling its hardness, coldness, the angle of the corner, and then paying attention to my butt on the cushion, my back in the corner, my feet on the floor, letting my teeth chatter and my shoulders jump.  I did that for a long time, was really able to be patient, and then I felt the box soften.  I also felt a wave of caring from the baby.  So I put the box down and picked up a baby doll that Caryn had, and she was just completely relaxed.  Reminded me of Baby Henry and the time I held him & talked to him in non language when he fussed and how he calmed down. I told Caryn about my belief that I would somehow poison a baby if I held it — I know it’s irrational but I also know it’s there and I’ve had to honor it.  Caryn said with great conviction “You are not poisonous to babies,” and I felt something ease inside and cried and cried.  It reminded me of the time Mama Greene said “No, you were never that way.” Then I began to feel really tired — the tired was in the center of my head & torso, my arms & shoulders were still activated.  So I let myself slouch down for a bit, and just stayed with how it was.  Nothing changed, but I’m getting more comfortable with that.  Finally I began to feel that I wanted to do something different, I could feel a pain right next to my right shoulder blade, and it turned out Caryn also had a feeling that it was time for some body work.  So I lay on her table and she put her hand on the sore place, and held my shoulder.  Just being held eased the pain.  I had a sense of three layers: the back of my butt and thighs where they contacted the table felt dark and dense and brown, like rich soil.  The top layer was little sparkles of activation.  And there was a middle neutral layer.  I just hung out with that — imagined growing roots into the earth, imagined the activation sliding off my body, flowing out through my fingers & toes, but there were no real changes, and I did my best to just be with that.  Caryn said she felt that the activation was leaving very slowly through my hands & feet.