(Written in September 2008)
8: 22 I’m doing pretty badly. I keep having waves of fear — tho they do pass. Saw Karen in Montpelier — by the end of the session I was quiet inside. 3 waves of fear passed while I was driving home. I talked to Dr. L & she said to raise the meds to 150 I and 40 Buspar. So I took extra in the middle of the day. If it doesn’t work I will ask her to prescribe Adivam — at least I know that works with Imipramine.
And if that doesn’t work, I’m seriously considering going into the hospital — Lore recommended the one in Berlin/Montpelier and Karen has had patients there and knows some of the staff.
Slept hardly at all, 2 hrs before midnight but nothing after that. Anxiety has spiralled out of control. I’m too exhausted to do any of my coping strategies — EFT, yoga breathing. I can’t even read. I left a message for Dr. L asking her to prescribe Adivam — since I know I’m OK with it. I don’t dare try anything new. I think what’s happening is flashbacks to the Paxil episode.
4:30 Emergency appt with Dr. L. Gene drove me. I had planned to leave Bella at Abby’s but Lidstrom gave me some seroquel and a prescription for adivam. The seroquel certainly calmed me down but I got scared again when Lynelle gave me her take on it: she thinks my medication is not working for me, and I’ll need to find something new — a hospital would be the best place.
I quit this morning. Just gave up the struggle and put myself in the hands of … whoever. Fortunately I did get ahold of the doctor and she seemed able to help. At least I did feel contained talking to her, and even after I left.