Stopping the Chain of Abuse

Journey into Courage brought me two amazing experiences of perpetrators turned around by our performance. Journey into Courage is a theater piece, written and performed by women who are survivors of domestic violence. Our work was guided and organized by Bess O’Brien, who was then with Catamount Arts in St. Johnsbury VT, where we gave our first performance. For four years in the early 1990’s we gave performances, mostly in Vermont. Then Bess made a movie of how we did it, and how it changed our lives. There are interviews with six of the women, and clips of parts of the show. Bess is now with Kingdom County Productions, where you can find the video of Journey.

The performance we gave at Castleton College in Castleton Vermont was memorable for several reasons. Bess was program chairman for a conference on “Theater and Community” and she booked us into the keynote spot on Saturday night. We had performed in theaters before, but this was the first time we had an actual stage crew, to do the setting up and run the lights and slides and music for us. I was surprised by how good it felt to be supported in that way, and I had extra energy for my performance. Normally most of our audience are survivors, and they tend to be quiet as mice. But at Castleton, we had an audience who expected theater — they laughed, they groaned in sympathy, they cheered and applauded. We discovered to our surprise that we were good theater!

In the audience were quite a few children from a camp that is an alternative to jail for juvenile offenders. We went there the day after the performance, and met with them at their usual community gathering. They asked us questions, and then they shared similar events from their own lives. The counselors said they heard some of those stories for the first time. One young man said he was at camp because he had sexually abused younger children, and now that he knew what his victims suffered he wouldn’t do it again. It was a pivotal moment — someone who might have gone on to become an abuser had been turned around.

A couple of years ago a woman who had been with me in Journey called me up to tell me a story. She’d been in the grocery store and a man came up to her and asked if she’d ever been in a movie. She said she had been in Journey into Courage. It turned out that he had been a batterer, and was doing a program to help him work on his issues. The video of Journey was part of the program and he said it had turned him around.

Sometimes, when depressive brain chemistry is trying to convince me that I’ve never done anything worthwhile, these are among the memories I call on.

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The Shamanic Realm

When I was an adolescent I called it the “symbolic world.” I was aware of the importance of symbols, especially symbolic actions, and also aware of the beauty of Nature. I was fortunate that my family’s house was sited on 5 acres of land, 2 acres of field in front of us, 3 acres of forest behind us, and the wooded part was contiguous with other undeveloped woodland so I had lots of forest to roam in. When I had crossed two streams I came to a part of the forest that was made up of huge beech trees, with very little undergrowth. Years later, when I read about forest ecology, I learned it was a “climax forest.” I called it “High Ridge” and pretended I was a horse or a deer. I knew, without being able to articulate it, that the symbolic realm was no colorless abstraction of Platonic Ideals, no far off heaven somewhere up there, that this realm was colorful, magical, mysterious, and contained the true beings of the trees and birds and streams I loved. When I read Lawrence Durrell, he spoke of the “Heraldic World,” and I knew exactly what he was talking about. Later on, when I learned about Celtic spirituality, the invisible world, Tir na nOg, was another name for it. Nowadays I call it the “shamanic realm” and sometimes, when I call out to it, even from a car traveling on the highway, I hear a chorus of voices of trees and rocks answering back. It speaks to me in dreams, and in the appearance of animals at significant moments.

‘The difficulties most of us have with visionary literature are related to how we construe reality in the first place, and that is to a considerable extent culturally determined. Examining the perceptual differences between us and our counterparts in the Middle Ages, historian Carolly Erickson characterizes our own perception of the universe as “controlled, atomistic, and one-dimensional” in contrast to the “chaotic, holistic and multi-dimensional reality” within which men and women of Julian’s time lived [Julian of Norwich, 1342-1416]. Most of humankind, she reminds us — nearly all those who lived in times past, and a great many living even now, outside industrialized society — have subscribed to that richer, multi-dimensional world. Inherently “more real” than everyday reality, this noncorporeal world has always been thought to surround and sustain it and to percolate up into it at regular intervals, visible and audible for those who are attuned to its presence.’
Carol Lee Flinders, Enduring Grace, p 84
Erickson, Carolly, The Medieval Vision: Essays in History and Perception.

“Glorious as the visible universe is, though, these women concur that it is surrounded and interpenetrated by another that is still more real, more real, however, by degree, and not by absolute difference. Two levels of reality seem to have coexisted for them like two versions, almost equally loved, of the same story. And when they experienced, as each of them did, a sudden deepening of the known world and a glimpse of all that hides behind it, each is emphatically clear that she did not just chance her way into the experience.”
Carol Lee Flinders, Enduring Lives, p23

This reminds me of the lovely paragraph from Elizabeth Goudge: “Until now life for him had meant the aridity of earthly duty and the dews of God. Now he was aware of something else, a world that was neither earth nor heaven, a heartbreaking, fabulous, lovely world where the conies take refuge in the rainbowed hills and in the deep valleys of the unicorns the songs are sung that men hear in dreams, the world that the poets know and the men who make music. … The autumn song of a wren could let you in, or a shower of rain, or a hobby-horse lying on a green lawn.”
Elizabeth Goudge, The Dean’s Watch p230

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I have a good life…

(Written in October 2010)
I have a really good life. I live in a beautiful place, I have meaningful work, I don’t need to have my life be any different before I can enjoy it. I got a taste of what that felt like earlier this year. For several months I was comfortable in my body and in my life. Then, some time in August, I lost it. My ability to enjoy my life is dependent on brain chemistry, and although I’m on medication that was working brilliantly, it’s not working right now. One of the things that’s very confusing is that my brain chemistry is rooted in PTSD, and that means I can be triggered into despair and/or terror, at the drop of a hat. Sometimes I know what triggered me but often I don’t, it’s usually something so tiny I don’t even notice it. And even knowing what it is doesn’t always help. I hate being so vulnerable. It makes what could be a good life an endless struggle. I have to work very hard to manage my vulnerable, highly sensitive self. Most of the time it feels like a tiresome chore that I just have to keep doing. Occasionally there are moments when I feel wonderful, it’s great to be alive. But most of the time, especially when something goes wrong — like finding out I have no safe container to carry the water I need to keep drinking — I just feel like I can’t move again. What’s the point? I just want to lay down and be done with it. If Death showed up in front of me and said “It’s your time” I’d say “thank god” and fall into his arms.
Eleanor told me she had been listening to a book on tape, about a Black boy who committed a crime but was sent to an alternate program, and what his life was like and how hopeless it is when the decks are stacked against you. She also talked about people in disasters, earthquakes, or hurricanes. I said the difference with those situations is all the people around you have gone through it too, they know what you’ve experienced because they’ve been there. The trouble with being me or Eleanor, struggling with invisible internal demons, is that most people around us have no idea what we’re going through. They often say things that are hurtful, that trigger old wounds, they hurt us badly without even meaning to. Sometimes the things they say that hurt are how they are trying to help us.

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Concern about the Earth

(Written in June 2010)
I’m feeling very sad. Don’t know what it’s about. It’s been wearing off as the day goes on. I try to hold it with compassion. I told Karen yesterday, that I feel like we’re engaged in a battle, the long ongoing battle of the rich and powerful against the weak and vulnerable. Which is resulting in unhappy, sick, driven, addicted people and a degraded environment. There’s no way we can win this battle. Even if we manage to stop global warming, even if we manage to allocate financial resources more equitably, it is an impoverished world we live in and an impoverished world we will pass on to the next generation. This is good reason to be sad, good reason for grieving.
I went down to Lynelle to get a hug and tell her how sad I was, with this sense of a losing battle. She said “God is bigger than we are”, which was a help intellectually but did not change my emotions. So far, the morning sadness has worn off as the day goes on.
I was just sitting here, thinking how much I love the Earth, and how sad I am that so many people don’t, and are willing to trash and exploit Nature’s bounty. I sent a wave of love out to the trees, and felt a wave of love coming back, and then an amused reminder: in this struggle the earth will win. One way or another: we will mostly die out and the earth will go on with only a few humans and a degraded environment, or we will manage to build a sustainable culture.

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Guidance

(Written in March 2005)
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, please help me.
Dear Jenny, we love you a lot. Relax and let yourself feel the warmth of our love. Remember that just as you are, you are doing good work for the world you love. You are doing well to stay with these difficult feelings with compassion. You are afraid that these feelings of weakness and hollowness are going to make it impossible for you to live your life, and do the things you care about. You are angry and disappointed in yourself that you haven’t been able to call Senator Gregg about the drilling in Alaska. Dear, it’s OK. Some compassion for yourself. You are not in very good shape at the moment. These feelings are difficult and painful. But they won’t last forever. You won’t always be incapacitated like this. Your love of life and your energy will return. You will get through this. For now, just staying with the feelings is enough. You aren’t denying them, blocking them, taking them out on other people, or engaging in addictive behavior. This is hard work and you are doing well. And we think painting is a good idea and encourage you to get right to it.

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Self Love & Guidance

(Written in November 2010)
I’ve just read through the document I made of “good things people have said about me.” I’m thinking of reading it at the ritual but I’m also scared to. Also realize that it’s not that I need to get that I’m some kind of wonderful person. I need to get it that I’m OK just as I am. I’m OK if I’m depressed and crying easily, I’m OK if I have trouble balancing my checkbook, I’m OK if I’m feeling tired and lonely, if I don’t have energy to clean the house and haul in firewood. That I’m OK if I can’t help Lynelle, that I’m OK if I can’t figure out and do the right thing for Bella. I feel tears coming up as I write, and I recognize that it’s ME who needs to learn to love me when I’m helpless, dysfunctional, scared, lonely and vulnerable.
At least Bella now seems content to sit next to me on the couch. Yesterday afternoon she’d come sit, but if I moved she’d get down & sit on the rug and look at me intensely, and I’d have to say “I don’t know what you want. If I did, I’d do it.”

Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling really lost. Please help me.
Dear Jenny, we love you and we are sorry you are having a hard time. It is not wrong and bad that your brain isn’t working properly. Randi is coming soon to provide moral support. It’s true you get frightened when you don’t understand what’s happening and you don’t know what to do. Of course you don’t understand what’s happening and how could you possibly know what to do? Let go of this expectation. It was imprinted in your childhood where you were always expected to know things you hadn’t been told, and you were afraid of being abandoned if you didn’t get it right. This is no longer true, but at this moment it certainly feels true. There is no current time pressure. Nothing horrible will happen if you don’t figure it out. It’s OK to not know what to do. You will know the next thing when it happens. Breathe, relax, you’re doing fine. Let yourself feel your weight on the couch. Everything’s OK. Hold the frightened child inside you with compassion.

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Guidance

As I’m writing my journal, I’m feeling fear, the vibration in the chest. I didn’t wake up with it, and haven’t felt it in a long time. I try to hold it and say “There, there,” as though it were a frightened baby. It probably relates to the horror story a friend told me yesterday about people breaking up the rock where gas is found by injecting toxic chemicals deep underground and setting off an explosion. The rock layers get broken up, making it easier to extract the gas. But the groundwater gets contaminated, and people can set fire to what comes out of their faucets. What do I have to oppose to this sort of thing? God just disappears and I feel alone and helpless in a ruined world. Who can I pray to?

Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling lost and scared because of stories of how the rich and greedy are exploiting and poisoning the earth. Please help me!
Dear Jenny, we love you. We love your concern for the material body of your planet. At the same time we remind you that the material realm is illusion, it is not ultimately real. It is raw material for creativity and for learning lessons. What is real is your love for the trees and the rock and the earth. What is real is your work on yourself and your efforts to bring compassion to fear, to despair, to loneliness. We love and honor you for this work. We know you cannot see us or feel our presence, but we are all around you, loving and supporting you, along with multitudes of spirits who love you. Never fear, you too are enclosed by the circle.

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Lonely

(Written in August 2009)
I’m feeling bleak. I haven’t been able to connect with any of the people on my support team.
Beverly D called late yesterday in response to my message. We had a good talk. She’d love to have me visit some time. I seem to be OK when I’m with someone, it gets hard when I’m alone. That’s different from in the past. It used to be if I was depressed, it was almost harder to be with people because I’d still be depressed.
I’m feeling sad & despairing & lonely. I’ve done everything I can to find someone to just be with, with no result. I don’t think it’s that my friends are tired of me, but I’m feeling pretty discouraged. I can see this is exactly how a baby would feel if Mom left her alone. She can’t do anything for herself, all she can do is cry and hope someone will come. But too often either crying doesn’t work, or she gets yelled at. So even the thing she can actually do doesn’t work. There, there, Little Jenny. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way. Because of it, you are badly wounded, and badly hampered in your efforts to live a healthy life.

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Guidance & More About Katie

(Written in August 2009)
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling pretty discouraged, and badly disconnected from the strong and healthy parts of my life. Can you help me?
Dear Jenny, we love you. This is temporary, you will come out of it. You do need to be connecting with your support people, and continuing to do the grief work. We remind you that Beverly is out of town and Caryn is unavailable. This is difficult because you are doing the same work that Katie found so difficult — traumatized parts of you are trying to get it that help is always available, and love is always available, but it hasn’t been internalized yet. You can get it when you are with Caryn, but not when she’s not there. The youngest and most traumatized parts of you haven’t developed the capacity to take in the love and caring that are available to you. Patience, dear Jenny. Keep on with what you have been doing. You will heal.

Note: there comes a time in infancy when the baby begins to get it that mother is still there even if she’s out of sight. At this time the baby will start playing “peek-a-boo” as part of the learning process. In a way what is happening is the baby is internalizing an image of the mother which provides safety, warmth, etc even when mother isn’t there. Both Katie and myself are struggling with exactly this issue, how to internalize a positive image of “mother” when the mother figure isn’t there.

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Somatic Experiencing

(Written in August 2009)
Session with Caryn. Told her about the visioning weekend and what people said and then shivered and yawned because it feel so scary to take that in. I told her about the book about attachment and the confusing and non-verbal feelings it brought up — the sense that I was in touch with only a very little of myself and all the rest (including adults) was gone. I expressed my anger that I had been so good and no one ever made the effort to understand what was going on inside the way the Mom and the therapist did for Katie, also told her the story of Agatha and the butterfly and how her mother understood what she was upset about without being told. I did a lot of shoulder hunching and yawning — the yawns seem to involve a lot of muscles from down in the collarbones to up in my cheeks. At one point I described my body as feeling like silly putty enclosed in skin. I was aware of different parts of me — one that was very tired and just wanted to collapse, one who wanted to do something, but she didn’t know what, and maybe some others that I couldn’t even name. Caryn said that was really good and reminded me of the chord of several notes. I talked about not knowing what I wanted to do, that I had lost something, perhaps my compass. We talked about how “not knowing” has been a trigger for me, and how it wasn’t right now, I was being able to be with and be curious about the state of “don’t know.” I saw that I hadn’t lost my compass, it was more like it had been caught by some large magnet which had disappeared and now the compass was swinging wildly before it settled down. There was a whole piece involving the face, the tension of a somewhat fake smile, the issue of having to “entertain” someone else, and being truly excited to share something that was meaningful to me, and trying to let my face totally relax — have no expression — and a sudden flash of mother when she was drunk and her face would be all flabby. Finally I began to explore what my body might want to do. I started sliding down, until I was flat on the floor with cushions under my knees and my head. I began to relax, and my body felt like a sand pile with little tiny collapses happening randomly. I was enjoying just watching without being impatient for my body to relax completely. At one point I asked Caryn if she was bored, she said “not at all.” I’m sure it was her attention that was helping me, reminded me of how I was with Brad. Finally I said “It’s time to move” and our time was up.
O yes, I also talked to Caryn about the intense pain that Katie experienced when she was trying to get it that Jackie really loved her. She even started hurting herself when she did “bad” things and was afraid that Jackie would reject her.

When we held our visioning weekend a few weeks ago at Neskaya, many people said they felt comfortable, at home, and completely accepted in this atmosphere.

For more information about Katie, see the post for January 5.

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