(Written in November 2010)
I’ve just read through the document I made of “good things people have said about me.” I’m thinking of reading it at the ritual but I’m also scared to. Also realize that it’s not that I need to get that I’m some kind of wonderful person. I need to get it that I’m OK just as I am. I’m OK if I’m depressed and crying easily, I’m OK if I have trouble balancing my checkbook, I’m OK if I’m feeling tired and lonely, if I don’t have energy to clean the house and haul in firewood. That I’m OK if I can’t help Lynelle, that I’m OK if I can’t figure out and do the right thing for Bella. I feel tears coming up as I write, and I recognize that it’s ME who needs to learn to love me when I’m helpless, dysfunctional, scared, lonely and vulnerable.
At least Bella now seems content to sit next to me on the couch. Yesterday afternoon she’d come sit, but if I moved she’d get down & sit on the rug and look at me intensely, and I’d have to say “I don’t know what you want. If I did, I’d do it.”
Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling really lost. Please help me.
Dear Jenny, we love you and we are sorry you are having a hard time. It is not wrong and bad that your brain isn’t working properly. Randi is coming soon to provide moral support. It’s true you get frightened when you don’t understand what’s happening and you don’t know what to do. Of course you don’t understand what’s happening and how could you possibly know what to do? Let go of this expectation. It was imprinted in your childhood where you were always expected to know things you hadn’t been told, and you were afraid of being abandoned if you didn’t get it right. This is no longer true, but at this moment it certainly feels true. There is no current time pressure. Nothing horrible will happen if you don’t figure it out. It’s OK to not know what to do. You will know the next thing when it happens. Breathe, relax, you’re doing fine. Let yourself feel your weight on the couch. Everything’s OK. Hold the frightened child inside you with compassion.