(Written in August 2009)
Session with Caryn. Told her about the visioning weekend and what people said and then shivered and yawned because it feel so scary to take that in. I told her about the book about attachment and the confusing and non-verbal feelings it brought up — the sense that I was in touch with only a very little of myself and all the rest (including adults) was gone. I expressed my anger that I had been so good and no one ever made the effort to understand what was going on inside the way the Mom and the therapist did for Katie, also told her the story of Agatha and the butterfly and how her mother understood what she was upset about without being told. I did a lot of shoulder hunching and yawning — the yawns seem to involve a lot of muscles from down in the collarbones to up in my cheeks. At one point I described my body as feeling like silly putty enclosed in skin. I was aware of different parts of me — one that was very tired and just wanted to collapse, one who wanted to do something, but she didn’t know what, and maybe some others that I couldn’t even name. Caryn said that was really good and reminded me of the chord of several notes. I talked about not knowing what I wanted to do, that I had lost something, perhaps my compass. We talked about how “not knowing” has been a trigger for me, and how it wasn’t right now, I was being able to be with and be curious about the state of “don’t know.” I saw that I hadn’t lost my compass, it was more like it had been caught by some large magnet which had disappeared and now the compass was swinging wildly before it settled down. There was a whole piece involving the face, the tension of a somewhat fake smile, the issue of having to “entertain” someone else, and being truly excited to share something that was meaningful to me, and trying to let my face totally relax — have no expression — and a sudden flash of mother when she was drunk and her face would be all flabby. Finally I began to explore what my body might want to do. I started sliding down, until I was flat on the floor with cushions under my knees and my head. I began to relax, and my body felt like a sand pile with little tiny collapses happening randomly. I was enjoying just watching without being impatient for my body to relax completely. At one point I asked Caryn if she was bored, she said “not at all.” I’m sure it was her attention that was helping me, reminded me of how I was with Brad. Finally I said “It’s time to move” and our time was up.
O yes, I also talked to Caryn about the intense pain that Katie experienced when she was trying to get it that Jackie really loved her. She even started hurting herself when she did “bad” things and was afraid that Jackie would reject her.
When we held our visioning weekend a few weeks ago at Neskaya, many people said they felt comfortable, at home, and completely accepted in this atmosphere.
For more information about Katie, see the post for January 5.