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Kornfield on Activism

Posted on May 4, 2011 by jenny

(Written in October 2008)
Reading Jack Kornfield yesterday I came across a passage on Activism, and the need for sanctuaries where activists can rest and renew. I found it very validating. He writes about Quaker friends who were working as activists in Laos and Vietnam who came to Ajahn Chah’s monastery near the border of Laos. “They were appalled that we forest monks were not politically active. … They had come to the monastery tired and burned out. Working in a war zone is fierce practice. … My friends came needing a respite. When they spoke passionately against the war, Ajahn Chah told them that stopping the war was essential. … ‘We will never succeed outwardly until we also learn to stop the war inside. That is our work here.’
“As the days passed, my activist friends’ opinions began to change. … After a week, my friends began to understand. In difficult times we humans need sanctuaries and images of the sacred to remind us of who we really are.” The Wise Heart, pp274-5

This is why it’s important to keep Neskaya open, it’s a sanctuary where people can come and be refreshed and reconnected with what’s really important, and go back out strengthened for their battles with modern western civilization.

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Soul Retrieval

Posted on May 3, 2011 by jenny

(Written in October 2008)
Last night was lovely. This is the third session of Laura Shannon’s Training in Women’s Ritual Dances. So good to see all those women again and to dance our dances. I sat out part of the time with Molly, leaning against her & dancing Koga Me Mama with our fingers. Laura just put on the CD and I found to my surprise there were quite a few where the music was familiar but I didn’t remember the dance until we started. I don’t think I’ve done any of those dances since before this cycle of PTSD so there’s a way in which they seem like another lifetime. Well it was truly another lifetime for the newly integrated part of myself. I noticed in one dance that my feet seemed to be contacting the floor with more differentiation. Then my ankle started to hurt and I had to dance more minimally.
I told several people about what I’ve just been through and as I told Judie David I realized that I should really be saying I went on a shamanic journey to find and bring back and integrate a lost part of myself. There’s a way in which I feel like I’m here — on Planet Earth, in the White Mountains, in my house — for the first time. Everything seems fresh and new. That’s really true for the part of me that’s here for the first time in 66 years.

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Somatic Experiencing

Posted on May 2, 2011 by jenny

(Written in October 2008)
Yesterday I had some times of being completely relaxed, feeling my whole body sinking down. It felt wonderful. At the moment, I feel that fullness in the chest and it keeps me from that complete relaxing. I can feel that my legs & arms are relaxed.
Investigate the feeling in my chest. It fills my whole chest, there’s a kind of expansive pressure and the energy squeezes out or pushes up into the sides of my neck and jaw, and a little down the insides of my arms. Its color is yellow. It’s a little like a hydraulic fluid — dense and under pressure. Now it’s eased in my chest but gotten stronger in my neck and head. I keep consciously relaxing.
Here comes another wave. It starts in the center of my chest and aches — like a lump in the throat. Now it’s eased and become an ache at the back of my skull.

Session with Caryn. Explored the feeling of activation in my chest. Connected it to difficulty breathing — possibly birth or the Nia fall — anyway I found there was pressure when I breathed out. Caryn suggested it might have to do with birth and talked about “coming in gently this time,” and I started to cry. Then I lay on my side & just explored my breathing, trying to be as gentle as possible, allowing the breath to come & go easily, taking small breaths. There were a lot of small shifts in the breathing. Then my right hand wanted to move, and I found myself doing a motion learned with Kevin — pushing my foot against the baseboard, my back against the other wall, and my hand opening & stretching. That led to work allowing my hand to receive sensation from the floor. I had had a pre-movement sense of pushing with my legs against the wall and pushing myself out straight and a image of my body going through an opening with a gush of water. Finally I did it, pushed myself right off the cushion and on to the floor. It felt wonderful! Caryn said I looked completely different.

Posted in Breakdown, Healing, Somatic Experiencing | Comments Off

Beltane Celebration

Posted on May 1, 2011 by jenny

Four of us from Neskaya went down to the Abbie Greenleaf Library in Franconia for the annual winding of the Maypole. Sponsored by the library, each year a group of little girls get all dressed up in spring colors and come to wind the maypole. The pole and ribbons were made by Christy and Ched Shaw-Doran. It was COLD. It was cloudy with a chilly wind. I was wearing a black coat over my festive clothing. Little girls were arriving as we put the pole up. Then we gathered in a circle and practiced a “grand right-and-left.” Over & over. Kayla arrived with the music — a specially made CD on a boom box, no live music this year — and we practiced again. Then everybody who would be winding one of the eighteen ribbons went in to get a wreath of flowers put on her head. We untied the ribbons which had been tied to the pole. In past years the wind tangled the ribbons so it was a lot of work getting them straightened out. At the stroke of eleven we began. It went very well. The weaving looked beautiful, it was so even. After it was wound, people went to the picnic table for cookies and soft drinks. I showed the few that were left the steps of “Gabi Gabi” a dance from Africa and we started the music. When people saw how easy it was they joined and we soon had a big circle. Then we did Maize, a dance for summer. A few worms had come up, so we did the “worm dance” Omal Garassari, a dance with lots of stamping. Worms always come up when we dance. One year there were so many they were in danger of being stepped on. One young boy made it his business to pick the worms up and carry them to a safer place. Then we unwound the maypole as a group. It was relatively easy because we’d wound it so evenly. We had tried it another year, but everybody got really frustrated and we had to quit. Kayla put on the music of Dudulas for the unwinding. Everybody agreed it was the best year yet!

For pictures of the winding of the maypole in 2008

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Moment of Reprieve

Posted on April 30, 2011 by jenny

(Written in October 2008)
I’ve been typing journal from late August when things were starting to get bad, and again it seems like somebody else’s experience. I describe feeling the worst despair I’ve ever felt in my life, and I can’t even feel a hit of it as I read my own words. So strange. Built a fire … and nothing to say. I feel so relaxed. what a relief!

Jack Kornfield: When mindfulness is focused on the process of thinking, an entirely different dimension of existence becomes visible. We see how our ridiculous, repetitive thought stream continually constructs our limited sense of self, with judgements, defenses, ambitions, and compensations. When they are unexamined, we believe them. But if someone were to follow us close by and repeatedly whisper to us our own thoughts, we would quickly become bored with their words. If they continued, we would be dismayed by their constant criticisms and fears, then angry that they wouldn’t shut up. Finally we might simply conclude that they were crazy. Yet we do this to ourselves! p139 (Bought The Wise Heart with a gift certificate from Daria)

This helps me understand why I got so bored, uncomfortable and angry with a friend’s long stories. At some point they became repetitive, she was saying the same things over and over. I realized, reading this chapter, The Storytelling Mind, how an episode of total fear, like the one I just went through, really burns out all the stories. At the moment I’m feeling wonderfully relaxed and free because I don’t have any stories about myself.

The sun is shining on the trees in front of me in layers. Which trunks or which set of leaves are lit keeps changing. It is so beautiful! And I can sit here, relaxed and waiting and open, and allow it to nourish me. Joy! What that feels like in my body is an energy that expands from center and makes me feel warm and full. Hydrated. Plump.

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Jupiter Opposition

Posted on April 29, 2011 by jenny

(Written in September 2008)
A good night’s sleep. Feeling considerably better, tho a little shaky & strange. Brain not quite working right. Wafts of very strange feelings to which I’m not going to pay much attention. I’ll put my focus on continuing daily life as well as possible, and doing SE with Caryn.
Gene stayed with me a lot yesterday: brought in a lot of wood, made a fire, took me to emergency appt & to Rite Aid to pick up prescriptions.

Jupiter went direct at 12° Capricorn in the 8th of September. It was in the 18th degree from June 28 to July 4 — I think I was doing pretty well at that time.
Checking Jupiter opposition Jupiter in Robert Hand — says it’s basically a good transit but with warnings not to overdo, not to take on too much, and a reference to “restlessness”, to feeling the “everyday world not ‘big’ enough” which could lead to a danger of overdoing which is just what I did. sigh.
Just out of curiosity, Jupiter was at 18° Capricorn for the first time back in March. That was the week I was at Kripalu for Ingrid Bacci and Kali woke up.

I don’t feel so scared to be alone — thank god! I think the group of people who were with me in the dream gave me some comfort. I also don’t feel afraid of every little thing — I’ll be able to read more books, do puzzles, type journal while I convalesce and take very good care of myself. Gosh! I’m suddenly feeling a lot of affection for poor foolish Jenny who tries too hard, and takes on too much, and gets into lots of trouble. I’m also able to feel affection for Bella again. In some ways that was the worst of it. I’ve also got out the Heifer & NRDC letters so I can cancel the monthly donation. I’ll do it by email.

The Jupiter opposition natal Jupiter (Jupiter in my chart is at 18°37” Cancer) I discovered because I had a breakdown in 1984, a worse one in 1996, and now in 2008. The only astronomical cycle that repeats every twelve years is Jupiter, and when it turned out that my breakdowns happen when Jupiter is opposed to Jupiter, that seemed highly significant.

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Good Day

Posted on April 28, 2011 by jenny

(Written in September 2008)
Woke OK this morning! Took 2 buspar right away. Feeling a very little sad and scared right now. Yesterday afternoon & evening went pretty well. I was able to cycle between reading, typing journal, playing solitaire, working on the puzzle.

I’m feeling an amazing amount of love for myself. This is different from back in July when I was feeling good about myself and my life, about how hard I had fought and had finally arrived at a good life. What I’m feeling now is a lot of warmth and compassion for this person who suffers so much, and struggles so hard, and has no idea of her limitations, and tries to do good, and makes stupid mistakes.

My cold seems to be fading away! Yesterday the sore throat had changed, gone deeper, and coughing was very painful. I think the grief I got in touch with in the session with Caryn may have helped move it along.

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Helen’s Celebration

Posted on April 27, 2011 by jenny

(Written in March 2008)
We gave Helen a good send off last night. More than 20 people. Helen was an older woman who had danced with us for ten years. She died a couple of weeks ago. We got together to do as many of her favorite dances as we could. We started with Gabi Gabi for ease and then did Inspiration Hasapico and Leben which most of the group could do. Then I felt a prompting to do Az so I said “If you don’t already know it, you might as well sit down and watch.” I reviewed it for the diehards and we did it. Several times in the evening I had a sense of Helen’s pleasure in what we were doing. There were a lot of dances on the list and we didn’t get to do all of them. Randi said something at the end of the evening, about what a great person I was, and the good energy I created. It felt good to be told that. Yes, I was “on” last night. I was blazing, radiant, happy to create a joyous celebration for our friend Helen. This is who I am. This is what I do.

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Things Re-arranging Themselves

Posted on April 26, 2011 by jenny

(Written in June 2008)
Woke sad. Raining hard. Yesterday I was typing up from the week after Laura’s training, trying to describe the disconcerting feelings and being unable to. Karen helped a lot by telling me it was because my mind had no structures for accepting the new — previously forbidden — information. This past week I’ve gone through another round of very odd feelings. The explanation which makes the most sense is that things are rearranging themselves deep inside. Whether these “things” are mental data, or atoms and molecules, or energy patterns, I don’t know. And I don’t need to know, I just need to accept the process. Unfortunately I seem to need some kind of understanding, some kind of mental construct, I’m not able to just trust the process. I suppose that’s because my earliest experiences taught me that I couldn’t trust the Universe to bring me what I needed. Also, I need some kind of explanation to contradict the default position — which is so deep that I don’t even know it’s there — that it’s my fault. One time in the past, when I was dealing with odd feelings, Guidance said they were old feelings being released and not to engage with them. That seems to be good advice.
Yesterday I had a short period of profound grief — the dull heavy ache in the chest — I was afraid it was depression again. I went ahead and made lunch — and then typed journal for 20 minutes — which usually comforts me — and then went over to Neskaya to work on the Nia stuff. Which I was able to do and then I began to feel better.

I also felt frustrated and angry, that I’ve worked so hard on healing myself — got a short period of finding out what it felt like to be comfortable in my life — and then get hit with another round of baby trauma. It makes sense — I’m stronger, and I have a better idea of what the damage was, what I lost — so of course a whole new layer of stuff comes up to be processed. But I’m tired. I want to retire from my life, I want to settle down & work in leisurely fashion on projects that give me pleasure, and not do anything else. Not travel or try to expand my life in any way.

Posted in Healing, Trauma | Comments Off

Overwhelmed

Posted on April 25, 2011 by jenny

(Written in June 2008)
I was so tired yesterday that I spent the morning sitting on this couch — reading The Secret Life of Bees which I find so nourishing, and my last journal volume from Laura’s training. I’d been typing up & got to where there was nothing more marked, so I read & marked passages for typing. But I was amazed at how much material there was. No wonder I’m overwhelmed. I’m trying to digest/integrate an enormous amount of information, having to renegotiate the wounded places, create new structures or rebuild wounded ones, and integrate a lot of unlived life. And all this is going on deep in my subconscious, so I’m not aware of it on the surface, I’m just aware that I’m too tired to do much of anything. It’s a little discouraging. Just when I think I’ve got enough energy to have a real life, 90% of that energy has to go into healing the old one, rebuilding the foundations.