Category Archives: Breakdown

Angry at Myself

Posted on March 14, 2011 by jenny

(Written in September 2008) I’m worried that Bella’s medication isn’t working.  I listened to Napier tapes which sometimes provide relief.  I’m extremely angry at myself for being so stupid as to try to get off meds, and changing Bella’s food.  … Continue reading →

Posted in Breakdown, Depression, Trauma | Comments Off on Angry at Myself

Frozen Despair

Posted on March 13, 2011 by jenny

(Written in August 2008) Still doing very badly.  Bella has a bladder infection.  Kayla drove me to Littleton to get the medicine because I couldn’t drive.  I’m feeling very weak & shaky. Woke early & used the Salzberg CD. Prayed … Continue reading →

Posted in Breakdown, Depression | Comments Off on Frozen Despair

Struggle

Posted on March 12, 2011 by jenny

(Written in August 2008) Took 100 mg of Seroquel last night.  Woke after 3 in a state of complete self-hatred, frozen self-rejection.  Bella peeing a lot again after seeming a little better.  I’m so angry at myself for possibly wrecking … Continue reading →

Posted in Breakdown, Depression, Trauma | Comments Off on Struggle

“Severe Practice”

Posted on March 11, 2011 by jenny

(Written in August 2008) Kevin said the fall at the beginning of the Nia training was a bigger injury than I realized, that he had worried about me.  (I fell on some wet steps, such that the corner of a … Continue reading →

Posted in Breakdown, Healing | Comments Off on “Severe Practice”

BEYOND Exhausted

Posted on March 9, 2011 by jenny

(Written in August 2008) I’m BEYOND exhausted. I’ve been here before and I’ve come out of it.  Many times.  The sense of “forever” is the baby’s, is part of the brain chemistry.  I’m just typing up from the beginning of … Continue reading →

Posted in Breakdown, Depression | Comments Off on BEYOND Exhausted

Defeated by Life

Posted on March 8, 2011 by jenny

(Written in August 2008) I’ve stopped trying.  I feel completely defeated by life.  I’m on a death march, and I want to keep going as well as I can, to strengthen my comrades, or at least not be a nuisance, … Continue reading →

Posted in Breakdown, Depression, Trauma | Comments Off on Defeated by Life

Exhausted

Posted on March 7, 2011 by jenny

(Written in August 2008) (This is part of the ongoing series describing my breakdown that started with the entry for March 4, 2011.  I haven’t been able to deal with this material before without getting extremely anxious.) Karen thinks I’m … Continue reading →

Posted in Breakdown, Depression, Trauma | Comments Off on Exhausted

Why Go On?

Posted on March 6, 2011 by jenny

(Written in August 2008) Why go on?  This is a serious question this morning.  Not that I would try to kill myself today.  My chest hurts, it’s grey out, I’m deeply discouraged. The Planet I love is in deep trouble, … Continue reading →

Posted in Breakdown, Depression, Trauma | Comments Off on Why Go On?

Bleak

Posted on March 5, 2011 by jenny

(Written in August 2008) I’m in some very bleak place staring at a very bleak truth.  I really don’t believe that I have any worth or value in myself, I really profoundly believe that the people who are my “friends” … Continue reading →

Posted in Breakdown, Depression, Spirit, Trauma | Comments Off on Bleak

The Downturn

Posted on March 4, 2011 by jenny

(Written in August 2008) Kayla helped me open up about feeling discouraged and disappointed and ineffective and I finally was able to cry.  I’ve been “soldiering on” since the Nia training, and the tears have been building up.  I talked … Continue reading →

Posted in Breakdown, Depression, Trauma | Comments Off on The Downturn