Angry at Myself

(Written in September 2008)
I’m worried that Bella’s medication isn’t working.  I listened to Napier tapes which sometimes provide relief.  I’m extremely angry at myself for being so stupid as to try to get off meds, and changing Bella’s food.  I tried and tried to forgive myself first for being stupid and then for being angry at myself for being stupid.  Finally I began to pray “Please help me forgive myself” and something softened.  I also realized that the one who tried to get off meds is the same one who’s been fighting so hard for a better wider life.  That helped.  I feel a softening even as I write.  Because of course things got bad again.  Weak & shaky.  Cold on my skin.  I’m not being able to shift things by my own efforts which suggests that the underlying physiology is bigger than I can deal with.