(Written in August 2008)
Still doing very badly. Bella has a bladder infection. Kayla drove me to Littleton to get the medicine because I couldn’t drive. I’m feeling very weak & shaky.
Woke early & used the Salzberg CD. Prayed for Bella. Felt a level of frozen despair I don’t think I’ve ever felt before. At first I tried to avoid it, but then tried to be with it. It doesn’t last, comes and goes. “May I be free of suffering. May I be filled with loving kindness.” It makes sense that this is the way a baby would feel when it’s been left alone too long. It’s a kind of ultimate helplessness. I feel like I’ll never move again. Sitting here trying to describe it, I felt a momentary movement of compassion for the baby that happened to, then I’m back to being completely swallowed up by her suffering.
This is, in a sense, a shamanic journey to find another lost part of myself and bring her back.
Please help me
May I be free from suffering
May I be filled with loving kindness
Please help me.
This is what is worth doing: to be present to my experience in each moment. To “soften around” as much as I can.
My heart is so sore and I am so sleepy. I don’t know what to do. Be present to sore heart, sleepy, don’t know.