(Written in August 2008)
Kayla helped me open up about feeling discouraged and disappointed and ineffective and I finally was able to cry. I’ve been “soldiering on” since the Nia training, and the tears have been building up. I talked about struggling to help things/people/causes I care about and not having enough energy — or else the thing is just too big for one person. Kayla said she was hearing the experience of my childhood, all alone, without adequate support, expected to do a job much to big for me.
I can hear Dylan’s voice: “You’re right from your side and I’m right from mine/ we’re both just one two many mornings and a thousand miles behind…” — it suits my mood: that feeling of we tried so hard and haven’t been able to make it work — and what do we do now? A sense of being worn out in the struggle — no energy to try something new, no energy to pack up and move and start a new life somewhere else.
I am so tired. I realize I’m not eating enough because I’m too tired to cook properly. Or maybe I’m getting enough food but not enough variety?
I’ve written out three scripts for the drama project (“Telling my Story”). They’ll just have to do. I’m too tired to do more. I think it’s emotional and mental tiredness — a lot of stuff kicked up in the unconscious by this project. I could probably dance if someone else taught. I haven’t walked the dog because I’ve been too tired and it’s been raining.
I see that I jumped into the Nia training, and also into this project, because there’s a tremendous pressure of unlived life inside me — all the things I would have done if I hadn’t been struggling with depression and terror and illness. But it’s too late. I don’t have what it takes to carry it out.