Defeated by Life

(Written in August 2008)
I’ve stopped trying.  I feel completely defeated by life.  I’m on a death march, and I want to keep going as well as I can, to strengthen my comrades, or at least not be a nuisance, but to stop fighting the inevitable.  It’s so funny, I was so proud of myself for being a fighter, for keeping going despite all the odds, and to arrive at a brief flowering of what my life might have been.  I’m glad I had that experience, I’m glad to know that what I always thought was possible, and kept striving for, is real.  But I see that I can’t sustain it by my own efforts, and that I don’t have enough support in my life for that level of good living to be sustained.  It takes everything I’ve got just to keep going, to keep feeding myself, walking the dog, and honoring my commitments.  At least I feel strengthened, that I can/will keep going as best I can.