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This morning I just didn’t want to go on.  I felt bad about dumping my negativity on my good friend Elizabeth — we always talk on Tuesday morning, and she has been a tremendous support for me — in spite of that, I still felt bad but didn’t know what else to do other than tell her the truth.  I started crying as soon as I heard her voice.  I read her yesterday’s post, and while I was reading I realized that I had pushed myself to do things on Saturday, and again yesterday.  In the morning I had pushed myself to complete numerous small errands — cash check, get stamps, etc.  In the afternoon I pushed myself to walk alone, going up to the Rte 3 hiking trail which didn’t have a lot of memories of Bella.  I started out walking fast, determined to get to the halfway mark — after all, I had done it last week with a friend.  Turns out it was a bad idea.  I couldn’t keep it up, I turned back at Skogumchuk Brook, and I started feeling nauseous.

While telling Elizabeth about all this, I cried a lot.  Elizabeth said there was a storm passing through and I should just let myself precipitate, which made me laugh, and was also permission to cry as much as I needed to.  When I finally stopped, she said that I didn’t sound like a person who didn’t want to live, I sounded like a person who was tired and alone.  She validated that the experiences I had the last few days were difficult.  She spoke very eloquently about what it is that I do when I’m teaching circle dance, which made me accept the possibility that I might be doing something valuable.  She said I have the skills to create and give birth to an experience for the circle of dancers.  As my therapists have often pointed out, if I can do it easily, I don’t value it.

I reminded her of her wonderful letter when she told me I was “generous, committed, and visionary.”  She sent it to me in 2005, and forced me to start revising my image of myself.  Later I started creating a document that contained all my good experiences, and all the good things people had said to me about myself.  I called it “Resource” because a “resource” in Somatic Experiencing is something that makes you feel more calm and steady and centered.  So I told Elizabeth that it was probably time for me to go back and read my “Resource Notebook,” and she said “You are so persevering.”  I started to cry because that was just what I’d been judging myself as not being.

I haven’t posted much to the blog in a long time.  Bella’s dying and death were difficult and full of conflict, complicated by the older traumas they triggered.  It was hard to write when I was depressed.  A lot of energy went into taking care of Bella, and finding support people for myself.  A lot of daily chores, like dealing with the mail, and personal care things, like doing laundry and washing my hair, got pushed to the end of the list.  I also spent a lot of time working on puzzles and playing solitaire, hoping that that distraction for my neocortex would help me integrate the losses.  Typing journal into the computer really got difficult when I got to the week she died.  I usually try to stay no more than a month behind.          — Who cares about this?  What’s the point of going on?  —   Those questions have come up a lot recently.  We even sang a hymn (written in 1988) that expressed doubt about god.  “The poor suffer, the rich thrive … Is god alive?  Does god care?”  It really expressed how I was feeling.

Barry’s sermon today was on strength and persistence.  Stories from the Bible, and from people he knows, who persisted and used strength to get what they want.  Makes me feel lazy and weak and guilty.  Clearly I think I should be pushing myself harder to “get things done.”  And I’m not doing it.  I haven’t pushed myself to walk alone, I haven’t pushed myself to sort out mail or balance my checkbook.  I have pushed myself to keep calling friends for help.  I did push myself yesterday to see Pat — which was a mixed bag — and to drive to Lyndonville to do “Break the Chain.” That felt good but I only got to do it once and was intimidated by all the stylish women with high heels and makeup.

Pat is a good friend, she’s very supportive and I feel safe with her.  But she talked about “disciplining herself to get things done,” and she also talked about how easy cooking can be.  Unfortunately, those particular issues are very difficult for me.  I suspect my difficulty is related to my trauma, but don’t know exactly the mechanism.  This makes it hard to validate myself.

I’m seeing that another thing that made yesterday difficult was that I called a friend for help and never heard from her.  I wish I weren’t so sensitive to that sort of thing.

Yes, I do think I have used strength and persistence in the service of my healing.  What’s confusing is that letting myself rest, letting myself off the hook, not pushing myself is also part of my healing.  It’s a very tricky balance.