For about the last five days I’ve been pretty bummed out and discouraged with myself for being stuck in depression. Lynelle was able to help me shift it. She told me that taking care of myself is my first priority. I didn’t want to listen to her, I was feeling very strongly that Jenny wasn’t worth taking care of. But I did remember times when I understood that Jenny, troublesome as she is, is my God-given task. Finally I was able to relax and accept it, it felt like a bunch of disorganized blocks fell into place. Then I was able to be OK with my current depression. I see now that I was angry at myself for not being able to do anything that was visible, exciting, worthwhile. Once Lynelle helped me see it, I was able to let that go, and accept that taking care of myself, working to heal myself is my God-given task, is my vocation along with the parallel vocation which is Neskaya.
Looking back, I see that I had tried to see myself, knowing that one possibility was that I was angry at myself for being depressed, but it didn’t resonate, didn’t bring that relaxing, connecting sensation which means “Of course.” It took Lynelle’s help for me to see that I wasn’t so much angry at myself for being depressed, I was angry — maybe even partly with God — that I wasn’t doing anything “worthwhile.” I have been begging god to show me what I’m supposed to be doing, and I can imagine God, very exasperated, saying: “The synchronicity of the Hospice training wasn’t enough? Barry suggesting a depression support group wasn’t enough? It’s a problem that you don’t have anything immediate? Patience, my dear Jenny, patience.” Shall I laugh or cry?