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Guidance

Posted on May 27, 2010 by jenny

(Written in July 2009)
Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling so sad. Can you help me?

Dear Jenny, it is appropriate to be sad. Though you have done a lot of good with the difficult hand you were dealt, it’s true that you suffered many losses. Perhaps the worst is this invisible one, the loss of parental love, guidance, and support, that has left you with such a bleak inner landscape. Not being able to trust who you really are, not having a solid foundation for living a healthy life, “soldiering on” to prove that you deserve to live, has left you exhausted and finding it difficult to celebrate your very real accomplishments. We celebrate you, dear Jenny, we celebrate the things you have been able to accomplish, despite your severe unhealed wounds, we celebrate the hard work you have put into healing yourself. We think you are just wonderful, and we love you. Dear Jenny let yourself take it in.

Thank you.

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Somatic Experiencing

Posted on May 26, 2010 by jenny

(Written in May 2009)
Caryn got out a huge beanbag for me to sit in. She wanted me to be in a position where my body was open and my head supported — a little different from my usual position in the corner. I started telling her about my weekend: the Reiki and feeling all broken up inside, gardening with Linda, then doing grief work and her saying I had a lot of light in me. Then feeling like my old self while teaching dance, and Jan & Judy’s comments about how strong and clear the energy is at Neskaya. Then she asked me to go through it again, paying attention to my body. When I said Linda saw a lot of light in me, I began to cry, and then my shoulders were shaking. I told the rest of it, Caryn reminding me to pay attention to my body, notice how my voice got deeper. Then she had me tell again the two pieces of positive feedback. My shoulders shook for a long time, my teeth chattered, sometimes my belly went in & out like fast crying. My legs wanted to jump but didn’t — like that uncomfortable tickle before you sneeze. We talked about my conflict between wanting to believe the feedback that I am a good person who does good things, and being terrified to believe it. I told her about saying to my husband that I needed “to prove that I deserve to live, even though my parents were so disappointed in me.” At some point I was feeling really angry that Mom had treated me like a bad person, and I had come to believe it. My life would have been so different if I had believed that I was good from the beginning. I spoke some of my anger. Caryn said “Put Mom at some distance and gather your supportive friends around you,” so I did. I went on discharging, tho it began to taper off: my teeth stopped chattering, my shoulder shakes grew less. And finally I felt a deep silence inside, in my core. It had a shape like two half circles or a crude butterfly, and reminded me of the night light Mama Greene gave me. I had been hearing a lawn mower through most of the session, but a lot of the time it sounded like choral music — the harmonic choir doing solar winds. Even with the lawn mower outside, I could feel the silence inside. I can feel it now.

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Sacred Space for Healing

Posted on May 25, 2010 by jenny

Bruce Levine, Surviving America’s Depression Epidemic
“Western Medicine does not mock sacred spaces, but it doesn’t truly appreciate them. It doesn’t acknowledge how important it is to create an event and space outside of the ordinary. .. When a culture agrees on that which is sacred, that culture receives a power that can heal. Once a tribe defines a space as sacred — for example, a specific mountain — that place then has the strength gained from the belief of many. This is a powerful source of healing.” p108

“Depression is often associated with self-absorption and alienation, and that is why moving beyond one’s private sphere can help both prevent and transform despair. Most people would like to connect with others, but they often lack direction and energy. This chapter is about discovering that direction and energy, and thus I do not shy away from social issues that can serve as spring boards for forming community.
“The energy to form community can come from a hobby, a craft, a neighborhood need, a social cause, or any passion that other people share.” p147

“Historically, progressive religious locales have been at the center of major social movements in the United States, most notably the abolition of slavery, the fight for civil rights, and anti-war activism. Such religious organizations and the buildings that house them are … where even the nonreligious can meet for entertainment and recreation. “ p151

These passages show why Neskaya has been such a powerful space for healing. When we held our visioning weekend last August, many people said they felt comfortable, at home, and completely accepted in this atmosphere. A friend who is also a therapist called Neskaya a “healing sanctuary”. Part of my vision for Neskaya, and why I love the folk dances I teach there, is the idea of celebrating diversity. If we learned to celebrate our differences instead of fighting about them, we would all have richer and safer lives.

People gather together to dance because they love dancing, especially when the dances are consciously done as prayers or meditations. People find a kind of spirituality at Neskaya which is welcoming and accepting. There is no dogma or doctrine. All you have to do to belong is walk through the door.

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Healing Emotional Wounds

Posted on May 24, 2010 by jenny

From Bruce Levine, Surviving America’s Depression Epidemic
“Emotional wounds heal naturally when we are not in a state of defensiveness, and healing conditions encourage this necessary openness. These conditions are, in great part, created by kindness, gentleness, and love. Kindness includes generosity … [It] is warmheartedness, a turning toward rather than away from suffering. It is tolerance, accepting that those in pain are often unpleasant … Gentle speech, gentle movements and gentle touch are healing … gentle people have patience. … Healing conditions also include trust, authenticity, free choice, and faith.” pp93-94

“When the conditions for healing are in place, the barriers or defenses to healing are more likely to disappear. We become open to feeling cared about, making it more likely that we can become open to caring about life beyond ourselves — and this results in healing.” p97

“The more our focus is on creating that which revitalizes ourselves or others, the more we are in the realm of healing.” p103

“The WHO … reported that the United States and other “developed” countries are inferior to “developing” countries such as India, Nigeria and Colombia in helping people diagnosed as psychotic to recover. … One reason could be modern society’s relative absence of gentle, supportive, healing groups.” p104

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Astonished Relief

Posted on May 23, 2010 by jenny

Talked with David, my stockbroker, whose specialty is socially responsible investments. He said when things are doing a little better, he’d like to get me invested in new start-up companies that are geared for sustainability. I like the idea. Talking to David reminded me of the relief I felt when I sold out the family inheritance and invested in socially responsible stocks. I hadn’t expected it. I’d always felt scared at the idea — I wasn’t able to do it until I’d started Somatic Experiencing and began to feel less fear. I’d made the decision for moral reasons, not practical or emotional ones. I had to pay a huge capital gains tax to the government, and I knew there was a possibility that I would have less income. So I was surprised at the enormous relief I felt, that I was no longer invested in “business as usual.” In fact, my socially responsible investments have performed just fine, sometimes better than the mainstream ones.

Another time I experienced that sense of astonished relief was when I went to Findhorn for the first time. Findhorn is a “New Age” community in Scotland on the south side of the Moray Firth, just east of Inverness. I stayed in a largish house that was available for guests. The first time I used the toilet, I noticed a sign on the wall that said “The Living Machine thanks you for your contribution. Please don’t put anything in the bowl but human excrement and toilet paper. The Living Machine can’t digest anything else.” I got a good laugh and thought “Good for them!” In the morning when I went down to make an early cup of tea, I was standing there waiting for it to brew, and saw a row of bins under the counter. They were labeled “PAPER”, “PLASTIC”, “METAL”, etc. And there was a bucket with a lid on the counter labeled “COMPOST”. Something deep inside relaxed in a way I’d never felt. I understood what it cost me to live “against the stream” in a culture that didn’t care about the earth and throws things away without thinking about where they’re going.

David Hills is a member of Veris Wealth Partners

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What if it’s Armageddon?

Posted on May 22, 2010 by jenny

This is one of my favorite quotes. It keeps me going when things are very dark.

“I’m asked, night after night, ‘Is this the New Age, or is it the Armageddon?’ And I say, ‘I used to think I should have an opinion about this, but as I examined it, I saw that if it’s going to be the Armageddon and I am going to die, the best thing to do to prepare for it is to quiet my mind, open my heart, and deal with the suffering in front of me. And if it’s going to be the New Age, the best thing to do is to quiet my mind, open my heart, and deal with the suffering in front of me. It turns out it really doesn’t matter. So I don’t care.”

-Ram Dass, interviewed by Sy Safransky
(the editor and founder of The Sun magazine)

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The Current Dark Age

Posted on May 21, 2010 by jenny

Many indigenous people have predicted that the times we are living in will be very difficult. One of my favorites is from the Hopi:

MESSAGE FROM THE HOPI ELDERS

To my fellow swimmers:

There is a river flowing now very fast.
It is so great and swift, that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold onto the shore.
They are being torn apart and will suffer greatly.
Know that the river has its destination.
We must let go of the shore, push off into the river, keep our heads above water.
At this time in our history, we are to take nothing personally, least of all ourselves,
For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey come to a halt.
The time of the lone wolf is over.
Gather yourselves. Banish the word struggle from your attitude and vocabulary.
All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.
We are the ones we have been waiting for.

Another one comes from the Buddhist teacher Sakyong Mipham:
“Over a thousand years ago, Padmasambhava, the great teacher who brought Buddhism from India to Tibet, predicted that this particular dark age would be distinguished by our increasing cleverness. Our discursive minds would run rampant. We would create myriad ways to keep ourselves entertained, becoming experts in how to spend free time. We would use our intellect not for betterment but for hanging out in one form of distraction or another, constantly on holiday. Padmasambhava predicted that as we became more shrewd and clever, compassion would seem increasingly futile, and we would lose the knowledge of how to bring meaning to our lives. Our windhorse [basic goodness] would weaken. At the same time, the number of weapons, diseases, and starving people would grow. Our negative emotions would increase as our motivation to lead a meaningful life — a life of virtue — waned.” In the next paragraph he says “It is startling to see the eerie accuracy of these predictions.”

From Ruling Your World, pp44-45

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Keeping Spirits Up

Posted on May 19, 2010 by jenny

I’ve been feeling pretty bummed out. I’m also tired — a weekend of dancing, long drive to see my therapist, second long drive to see a body-worker and visit a good friend — I still haven’t put my house back in order. What’s got me down is the oil slick. The news just keeps getting worse. My friend Beverly told me that they’ve dumped a lot of some chemical called a “dispersant” not so much to help things, its intention is to keep the oil from reaching the surface. But it’s probably creating an even more toxic environment for the creatures in the gulf. Great. So we’re going to make things more toxic in order to pretend that what has happened isn’t as bad as we thought. By this time I would have plunged down into depression, except for two gifts from friends.

First, my friend Beverly Woods wrote a song about the disaster. She sang it to me, and it helped give shape to my grief and rage. Beverly’s song

Second, my friend Bobbi Bailin choreographed a powerful dance to a piece of music called “Salve”. It’s sung in Latin, and I don’t recognize the words, although I believe “salve” means “save us”, and it certainly feels like a strong call to the Divine for help. Bobbi’s dance

In times of disaster, communities around the world have kept their spirits up by singing and dancing. For me it’s a way to hold steady, neither going numb, nor going under. Thank you, my friends.

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Self-care

Posted on May 14, 2010 by jenny

(Written in June 2004)
Workshop question: what helps you be present to yourself. I need space and time and permission — more than permission, I need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the right thing to do, the divinely commanded thing to do, what’s in alignment with Universal Purpose — It’s amazing how deeply I feel inside myself that it’s morally wrong for me to pay that much attention to myself. It makes me wonder if I’ve spent lifetimes as a monk or a nun, being selfless, devoting my life to others, but out of intellectual conviction rather than great love. So this lifetime was designed so I’d have to see the degree to which my “selfless” behavior was conditioned, not genuine?? Maybe?
I suppose it doesn’t matter. It’s clear to me at this point that I have got to put self-care first, despite my total resistance to this idea. I can’t blame Mom for this any more, I have to take responsibility for buying into it. I want to change it, but I sure don’t know how to. Create a vision: I want to take care of myself the way that a great musician takes care of his precious instrument. Not for the sake of the instrument, but for the sake of the music. Great Ones, divine beings, Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, please help me.

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Depression

Posted on May 13, 2010 by jenny

(Written in June 2004)
What to do when I fall into depression. Remind myself that the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness and worthlessness are not giving me information about reality. They are caused by brain chemistry and trauma. The truth is that I do care about life, that I do value it as something precious and so I get angry at myself when depression makes it impossible to enjoy little things. How about some compassion for this poor woman who can’t even enjoy small beautiful things because of her brain chemistry. I haven’t got any choice about my brain chemistry or about my vulnerability to depression. I do have choices about my thoughts and life style that can support me in not being depressed all the time. I do know that it is sometimes necessary to surrender to depression.
I remind myself that that’s why I came here to Kripalu: to surrender to depression in an environment where I’m supported by food and yoga classes and where I have no demands on my energy and time.

Why does depression make me so unhappy?
1) It feels like everything is worthless
2) No energy for doing things I care about: walk dog, clean building
3) no satisfaction from accomplishment
4) other people will be disappointed & will judge me

I need empathy for my lack of energy, not judgement. Not trying to make myself do things. I don’t have enough energy to take care of myself, much less the dog or the building.
I don’t want to take care of myself because I don’t value myself. I was neglected as a child and so my habit is to neglect myself. When I have so little energy I resent having to use it to take care of myself — I would so much rather be using it to teach dances, help Lynelle, talk to Alyssa. But if I don’t take care of myself — I am the instrument with which I do these things that I care about — then I’m not able to do them. I suppose that’s really the bottom line.