(Written in June 2004)
What to do when I fall into depression. Remind myself that the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness and worthlessness are not giving me information about reality. They are caused by brain chemistry and trauma. The truth is that I do care about life, that I do value it as something precious and so I get angry at myself when depression makes it impossible to enjoy little things. How about some compassion for this poor woman who can’t even enjoy small beautiful things because of her brain chemistry. I haven’t got any choice about my brain chemistry or about my vulnerability to depression. I do have choices about my thoughts and life style that can support me in not being depressed all the time. I do know that it is sometimes necessary to surrender to depression.
I remind myself that that’s why I came here to Kripalu: to surrender to depression in an environment where I’m supported by food and yoga classes and where I have no demands on my energy and time.
Why does depression make me so unhappy?
1) It feels like everything is worthless
2) No energy for doing things I care about: walk dog, clean building
3) no satisfaction from accomplishment
4) other people will be disappointed & will judge me
I need empathy for my lack of energy, not judgement. Not trying to make myself do things. I don’t have enough energy to take care of myself, much less the dog or the building.
I don’t want to take care of myself because I don’t value myself. I was neglected as a child and so my habit is to neglect myself. When I have so little energy I resent having to use it to take care of myself — I would so much rather be using it to teach dances, help Lynelle, talk to Alyssa. But if I don’t take care of myself — I am the instrument with which I do these things that I care about — then I’m not able to do them. I suppose that’s really the bottom line.