Self-care

(Written in June 2004)
Workshop question: what helps you be present to yourself.  I need space and time and permission — more than permission, I need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the right thing to do, the divinely commanded thing to do, what’s in alignment with Universal Purpose —   It’s amazing how deeply I feel inside myself that it’s morally wrong for me to pay that much attention to myself.  It makes me wonder if I’ve spent lifetimes as a monk or a nun, being selfless, devoting my life to others, but out of intellectual conviction rather than great love.  So this lifetime was designed so I’d have to see the degree to which my “selfless” behavior was conditioned, not genuine??  Maybe?
I suppose it doesn’t matter.  It’s clear to me at this point that I have got to put self-care first, despite my total resistance to this idea.  I can’t blame Mom for this any more, I have to take responsibility for buying into it.  I want to change it, but I sure don’t know how to.  Create a vision: I want to take care of myself the way that a great musician takes care of his precious instrument.  Not for the sake of the instrument, but for the sake of the music.  Great Ones, divine beings, Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, please help me.