Somatic Experiencing

(Written in May 2009)
Caryn got out a huge beanbag for me to sit in.  She wanted me to be in a position where my body was open and my head supported — a little different from my usual position in the corner.  I started telling her about my weekend: the Reiki and feeling all broken up inside, gardening with Linda, then doing grief work and her saying I had a lot of light in me.  Then feeling like my old self while teaching dance, and Jan & Judy’s comments about how strong and clear the energy is at Neskaya.  Then she asked me to go through it again, paying attention to my body.  When I said Linda saw a lot of light in me, I began to cry, and then my shoulders were shaking.  I told the rest of it, Caryn reminding me to pay attention to my body, notice how my voice got deeper.  Then she had me tell again the two pieces of positive feedback.  My shoulders shook for a long time, my teeth chattered, sometimes my belly went in & out like fast crying.  My legs wanted to jump but didn’t — like that uncomfortable tickle before you sneeze.  We talked about my conflict between wanting to believe the feedback that I am a good person who does good things, and being terrified to believe it.  I told her about saying to my husband that I needed “to prove that I deserve to live, even though my parents were so disappointed in me.” At some point I was feeling really angry that Mom had treated me like a bad person, and I had come to believe it.  My life would have been so different if I had believed that I was good from the beginning.  I spoke some of my anger.  Caryn said “Put Mom at some distance and gather your supportive friends around you,” so I did.  I went on discharging, tho it began to taper off: my teeth stopped chattering, my shoulder shakes grew less.  And finally I felt a deep silence inside, in my core.  It had a shape like two half circles or a crude butterfly, and reminded me of the night light Mama Greene gave me.  I had been hearing a lawn mower through most of the session, but a lot of the time it sounded like choral music — the harmonic choir doing solar winds.  Even with the lawn mower outside, I could feel the silence inside.  I can feel it now.