Vigil for the Dead

Last night I went a church in Littleton to a vigil for the killings in Orlando.  All the names of those who died were read, 49 candles were lit, the bell tolled 49 times.  The minister of the Church was gay, which I hadn’t realized before.  The Church was full.  I cried when we sang “We Shall Overcome.”  It felt really reassuring to be with a lot of people who cared.  A woman I know, who plays the Native American flute, played two songs.  The second she described as a “Sioux chant for courage.”  I recognized the tune as one they had used in the movie Dakota 38.

So this morning I went to the trailer of Dakota 38

Then I looked up the interview with Silas Hagerty that made me want to see the film.  He talks about ceremony, and all the amazing synchronicities that happened as they were making the movie, and how sometimes you just had to wait.

The film is a give-away, none of the people who worked on it got paid, and the DVD is available for free, or you can watch it on YouTube, or you can download it from the website.

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Peace on Earth

Today in church our minister talked about the idea of having many different ways to say something.  He told us that the “creeds” that we recite were written to uphold some particular version of God against another version.  (This is within the Christian Church, not the Christians trying to prove that some other faith is wrong.)  Our minister suggested that when we sing a hymn, or recite the doxology we might want to use words that expressed our individual understanding.  I often say in the last line, instead of “Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost,” “Praise Mother, Child, and Sophia.”

I reminded me of an experience I had at Findhorn for the Festival of Sacred Music, Song, and Dance.  We were gathered in the great hall, about 200 of us.  In the center were 6 singers, each with a big poster saying words in different languages.  We all stood in six wedges, and each wedge learned one set of words.  These words were:

OM MANE PADME HUM
LA ILLAHA IL ALLAH HU
SHANTI SHANTI
SHALOM SHALOM
GLORIA IN EXCELSIS DEO
O GREAT SPIRIT, SUN AND SKY AND SEA,
YOU ARE INSIDE, AND ALL AROUND ME.

After we had each learned the tune that went with the words, we began to sing.  It was like a round with six parts.  After we had done it for a while, they suggested that we should wander around the outside and listen to, or even join another group.  Finally they suggested we pick the one that felt most appropriate and sing that one, and wander around  individually.  I felt closest to Buddhism, so I sang “Om Mane Padme Hum,” and as I walked around I heard “Shanti, shanti,” “Gloria in Excelsis Deo,” and then another “Om Mane…”  O there’s one of my clan.  We are all walking about, singing the name of god in our own language, and we are making beautiful harmony together.  I had a very strong sensation that we were the planet.  I’ve never forgotten that experience.

Recently we did a circle dance to a new piece of music called “Dreams of Harmony.”  It affected me the same way.  It’s also a round, and they sing “Good night,” in nine different languages.  It’s a perfect example of what we do when we dance dances from around the world, even the dances of our “enemies,” we are celebrating our differences, not fighting about them.

As the current world situation seems to get scarier everyday, I listen to this.  It’s a beautiful antidote.

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The Strength of the Foundation

This post was first published in 2012.  I think it’s still timely, so here it is again:

The Strength of the Foundation

In February of 2004, I was feeling very discouraged about the state of the world, and seeing my efforts to change things as pitifully small.  I sent out a despairing plea to the circle dancing elist – and got a whole bunch of wonderful replies that really lifted my spirits. See Circle of Hope

This is what I said:  I’m tired and discouraged.  I feel like I’m trying to move a mountain of sand grain by grain.  .…  Are we engaged in a hopeless task? … Is there anybody out there who agrees with me?  Please let me know,  I’m feeling pretty alone with it right now.

One reply came from a committed Quaker, and what she said was so elegant and disciplined, so clearly resting on generations of people who had worked hard for peace, that I go back to it again and again, to feel how strong the support is under me.

Thank you so much for reminding us how arduous this peacework can be. I very much liked the image you drew of trying to move a mountain of sand grain by grain. In fact, that is precisely what each of us is doing, in much the same way that Buddhist monks build their sand mandalas — grain by grain. What enables them to work so assiduously is the fact that they focus not on the result, but on the process. This is a valuable lesson for the West. The I Ching teaches that we should plow our fields, not expecting a harvest. The harvest is not our concern; it is only the plowing that matters.

In response to your plea, I can offer only what I learned growing up in Friends meeting about what it means to benefit from the endeavors of an active life. Whether we succeed in our efforts depends on how “success” is interpreted. There is another kind of success outside that of seeing the result we hope for. There is the success measured by useful and important work done with devotion. There is the success of having responded to what one knows to have been the authentic call of God/dess and of having remained faithful to that guidance, whether seeing any results or not.

When society has fed and housed the poor and nursed the sick, and when it has educated the disenfranchised and offered them a useful place in the economy of mankind; when the brilliant and advantaged have been educated for responsibility rather than for personal gain; when no one is standing around rejected while others feel themselves over-entitled; when war has been renounced and its instruments disassembled, only then will it be possible for us to consider whether our struggles offer us any sense of worldly success compatible with our convictions.

In the meantime, this work we do forms us in character and conscience. We do it because it involves bearing witness to a “testimony,” which (contrary to what many people think) is not a response to an external problem. It is a leading that comes from that authentic guidance from God/dess. In that respect, we do it because to do otherwise is unthinkable. We do it because we cannot conceive of not doing it.

Repeat:

When society has fed and housed the poor and nursed the sick, and when it has educated the disenfranchised and offered them a useful place in the economy of mankind; when the brilliant and advantaged have been educated for responsibility rather than for personal gain; when no one is standing around rejected while others feel themselves over-entitled; when war has been renounced and its instruments disassembled, only then will it be possible for us to consider whether our struggles offer us any sense of worldly success compatible with our convictions.

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Trusting the Process

My talk with my therapist was painful and difficult but I think it helped.  I made a lot of notes.  I see that my image/expectation of a healing process is that you get steadily better.  You’d think I’d know better by now.  First of all, a healing process takes place in the unconscious part of the mind.  There’s absolutely no way to know how it works.  “Not knowing” what to do is a trigger for me.  I tend to get all freaked out.  I just have to trust that it is working toward healing.  Constantly checking to see if it’s working does not help the process.  Secondly the actual process has ups & downs.  Opening up a wound is painful, no way out of that.  So accepting the downs, allowing them to happen, and if possible to “soften around,” to say “there, there,” “I’m here,” and to create a compassionate container.  Sometimes that just isn’t possible.  I’m so caught in the child.  There’s no adult here to say “there, there.”

Finally, there’s the total willingness to hand the whole process over to God — I think that’s Step Five.  The recognition that I don’t know how to do this, that I can’t do it on my own.  My difficulty is in what I believe I’m handing “my will and my life” over to.  If it’s God the Capricious, Malicious, Willful, and Untrustworthy, then of course I’m not going to be willing to let go.  If I think of it as “Divine Process,” that helps a lot.  Trusting the process comes much more easily than handing over to God.

In my list of “character defects” I have written a lot of things that I don’t believe are defects.  They are dysfunctional behaviors learned from things that happened to me when I was a child.  I believe that’s true for everybody.  But whatever they are, they are making my life miserable and I want them to change, dissolve, heal, be left behind, whatever the process does so that they won’t keep tripping me up.  I see that the biggest, right now, is my inability to take in, receive, satisfaction for getting something done.  So, my part is to add “good for me!” and to try to savor the feeling of satisfaction.

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Did I Win or Lose?

I was rereading a little of Francis Weller, and he talks about self-hate and self-compassion.  I checked in with myself and found that I don’t hate myself at all right now — but I think actually the self-hate is gone forever.  I say “right now” just in case the understanding goes away, but it’s not a feeling it’s a knowing.  Feelings go away, but knowings don’t until they are replaced by a more true knowing.

I’m feeling very sad, but I don’t make myself wrong for it, it’s legitimate, it’s sadness for all the suffering in the world, and it’s because I care a lot.  I’m feeling horribly alone, and I’m not making myself wrong for it, it’s legitimate, it’s a consequence of being traumatized.

Lines from Nikos Kazantzakis, at the end of his book “Report to Greco,” as he is saying good bye to life:

“Did I win or lose? The only thing I know is this: I am full of wounds and still standing on my feet.”

A note: Greco refers to El Greco, the Spanish Renaissance painter.  His real name was Domenikos Theotokopoulos, but the Spanish just called him “the Greek.”  He was born in Crete, which is why Kazantzakis addresses him as “Grandfather.”

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Neskaya Movement Arts Center

I’ve mentioned it in a lot of posts, but I’ve never really described it.  Our website gives much more information, including how we got the name, and pictures of the building.  Since these pictures were taken, we had to have the roof redone because the original started leaking.  Here is what it looks like now:

new roof

Neskaya was designed as “sacred space” for movement disciplines that are also spiritual practices.  The building has a sprung wooden floor designed to accommodate dancers and martial arts practitioners.  An arched roof creates a sense of spaciousness, as well as providing splendid acoustics.  There is a balcony, which can provide space for viewers, and an East wall which accommodates a variety of seasonal decorations.  We have two showers and two lavatories and a kitchen.  We are handicapped-accessible.

We opened in the fall of 1996 with classes in Yoga, Aikido, and Sacred Circle Dance.  Since then, we have offered classes and workshops in Tai Chi, Chi Gung, and International Folk Dance.  Currently we are offering Tai Chi, Circle Dance, Yoga, and Nia.

In the belief that everything is connected to everything else, and that if humans are to survive the current planetary crisis, we need to recognize that we are a part of the natural world,  Neskaya offers ways of celebrating our place in the natural world thru seasonal celebrations.  In the belief that one of the ways to end war is to make our differences a reason for celebrating rather than fighting, we do dances from around the world. In times of crisis, we dance to support everyone in finding the best way out.  At the time of the fighting in Kosovo, we did dances from Kosovo, Albania, and Serbia as a prayer for this region to heal its differences.  We do “Red Rain,” played by musicians from Greece, Turkey and Armenia, as a prayer for peace between cultures that have been fighting each other for generations.

Our mission is to promote inner happiness, healthy social connections and world peace through the practice of celebrating our differences.  By offering such activities as Sacred Circle Dance and Yoga we want to heal the divisions between soul and body, between people of different cultural backgrounds and between human beings and the material body of our planet.

My commitment is to the fundamental truth that exists in the structure underlying the dances — that the dances, like yoga postures and crystals, have patterns that are rooted deep in the body of our mother the earth, that the dances in themselves, of themselves, convey knowledge through our bodies to our spirits.  What I am trying to do at Neskaya is to be in contact with the deepest layer of that structure, so as to make it possible for my dancers to have the opportunity to contact that structure themselves.

A friend who is a therapist said that Neskaya is a “healing sanctuary.”

If you click on the link below that says Circle Dance, you will get all the posts that describe what we do here.

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Who am I really?

Written in my journal for May 7, after the event (“Continuing the Journey”) where I talked about what I had learned both while and after being part of Journey into Courage.  Some scenes from the video were shown.  Other women told their stories.

So now I’m home, after lunch.   I’m feeling very empty and blank inside.  It might have to do with a new start.  Or it might be about discovering how/where I really am.  Time to “write my way down to some truth.”

This is a phrase I used a lot in past journals.  It involved doing “writing practice” where the only rule is to keep the pen moving.  I am often blown away by what I write.

Who am I really?  Who am I if I let go of the dysfunctional behaviors?  I am creative, I am generous.  I am very curious about the world of Nature, and my intelligence and scientific training make it easy to understand the amazingly complex processes that have created the world we live in, and at the same time to be skeptical about the “latest discovery.”  I enjoy sharing my knowledge with people who want to know, and I like explaining in really basic terms so people don’t feel like they are “stupid.”  I’m a very good dance teacher and I love sharing the circle dances that I love.  I also enjoy creating a sequence of dances that move and change energy.  I’m also good at putting together a program from nothing at the last minute.  I’m a very caring person.  I care about the earth, the trees and the animals and the oceans.  I care about people who are having a hard time, who are in pain.  I care about social justice, economic justice, and racial justice, and I am infuriated by the inequalities that exist in my country.  I have worked hard to raise awareness of domestic violence and PTSD.  I have also worked hard and contributed money and energy, to create a sacred space which is a healing sanctuary.  I have fought hard and unrelentingly to heal the wounds of my childhood.  Truth is important to me.  I live and speak with integrity.

In the past, I would have been terrified to post this.  It would have been “thinking I’m so great.”  Now it’s obvious to me that it’s the truth.  The paradoxical thing is that I imagined if I really believed I was a good person, my life would change drastically.  It hasn’t really.  I can still get dragged down by things that happen, and I still become apathetic when I’m alone.  Maybe it’s like my other “knowings.”  I absolutely know they are true.  I think they must come from a level of the psyche that is below emotions.  Emotions can get triggered by actual events that remind my nervous system of the core trauma and by very old beliefs about myself.  Positive emotions come when I’m doing something that I love.

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“Continuing the Journey”

“Continuing the Journey” of Journey Into Courage.  This program was put together by Tracy Penfield of SafeArt in Chelsea.  It was presented on May 6, 2016.  Bess O’Brien spoke, short sections of the video were shown, and three other women shared their stories.

This is what I read:

I joined Journey because I wanted to make the point that alcoholism of a parent is abuse of a child, even if there’s no overt violence.  What I did on stage was re-enact cutting myself with a razor blade.  At that time, 20 years ago, I didn’t really understand why I cut myself.  Now I know that it was because I was in a lot of psychological pain that I couldn’t acknowledge, that was somehow invisible.  Cutting myself gave me a real physical pain that had an obvious physical cause and that somehow helped.  It was OK to feel pain if you had been cut.  I didn’t get on anti-depressant medication until 1997, and normal brain chemistry was a revelation.  I had never felt like that before.  I see now that I had no normal to compare my pain to.  It wasn’t until 2001 that I realized that I had been traumatized in infancy.  I had made the common mistake of thinking that trauma depended on the violence of the event.  It has much more to do with the ability of the organism — brain and nervous system — to process the event.  Peter Levine, an expert in trauma, says “An infant can be traumatized by being left alone in a cold room.”  Learning about the physiology of trauma has been an important part of my healing.

When we were doing the drama exercises that led to Journey, Bess would ask us to remember a time when things were really bad, and then she would ask questions like:  What were you wearing?  What time of year was it?  Were you inside or outside?  What was going on in the world?  I found it fascinating, it gave me great objectivity about what happened to me.  One thing that I remembered was that the Vietnam war was going on during the time when I was cutting myself, and that turned out to be very significant.  I identified with the soldiers, even before I realized that I had been traumatized in infancy and had been living with PTSD.

One book that has been extremely helpful is Invisible Heroes by Belleruth Naparstek.  I would recommend it highly to people suffering from PTSD and friends and family of someone suffering from PTSD.  She describes what it feels like to be a trauma survivor.  She talks about all the different modalities that can help people.  At the end she has a list of the things trauma survivors have done to heal, things like doing one form of what she calls “Alphabet Therapies” EMDR, SE, etc.  having regular bodywork, journaling, etc.  She also recommends guided imagery, and has a number of helpful CDs.

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Grief and Praise

I have been listening to a talk by Martin Prechtel, a shaman from South America.  He talks about how grief for something comes because it meant a lot to you, so grief is a form of praise or of gratitude.  I am finding this very difficult.  After my initial joy of feeling like I wasn’t alone in grief and anger for how humans are destroying our life support system on Planet Earth, I fell down into a place I know well as depression, but then I realized that is really grief for what is happening to our home.  Suddenly it wasn’t just grief for what happened to me, but grief for the whole planet.  I have let myself grieve, with many tears and cries of pain and rocking back and forth, in two therapy sessions this week and found to my surprise that I recovered my ability to see the beauty of the world, which I have not been able to see for I don’t know how long.

People talk about the “gift of life” and it always makes me feel angry and sad.  To me it feels like the “gift” was smashed before I got it.  It’s true that when I was younger I had wonderful ecstatic moments out in the woods, by the ocean, in Yosemite Valley, and in many other places in Nature.  But by the time I returned to New England after being defeated too many times in my efforts to find a good relationship, I found myself in a severe depression, and never came out of it until I was on medication that worked.  At which time I realized that I had been severely depressed all my life.

Getting on Medication

From my journal for May 21:

Yesterday I was driving and had the Oratorium in Memory of the Armenian Genocide of 1915 playing.  I was looking at the beauty of the spring world, blossoming trees, bright greens and rusts of new young leaves.  It felt very right to be looking at the beauty of the world and holding the reality of genocide with it.  It felt like truth, the reality of our planet at this moment.

It was only later that I realized that I had been holding grief and praise together.

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THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING

I saw the film “This Changes Everything” and it gave me hope for the first time in a long time.  It’s about the marginalized people: indigenous, poor, living on the fringe, who are staking their lives to stop the destruction of their livings, their habitat.

I’ve done my best: I drive a Prius with a bumpersticker that says “I’m a clean energy voter,” I have a solar panel and solar hot water, I recycle vegetable waste in the compost, I recycle everything my town can recycle and still I take a big bag of garbage to the dump every few weeks.  I use as little water as possible, I buy organic and local as much as I can, I have a wood stove — actually a ‘Masonry Heater‘ — the wood burns flat out and heats up the stone which re-radiates it for hours, but there’s so much more I could do if the community were supporting my efforts.

I had an epiphany when I went to Findhorn a number of years ago.  I was spending the night in a big house before going off on a “Pilgrimage through Scotland.”  While brewing my cup of tea in the morning, I noticed that under the counter were bins labeled: paper, plastic, metal, glass.  There was a compost jar on the counter.  There was NO garbage can.  If you had (God forbid) some garbage you had to take it yourself to a designated shed.  When I went to the bathroom there was a sign on the wall that said “The living machine thanks you for your contribution.  Please do not put anything in the toilet except human excrement and toilet paper.  The living machine can’t digest it.”  While walking outside I noticed a windmill.  I was told it generated enough electricity for half the community and they were raising money to build a second.

I best remember what happened to me as I stood in the kitchen looking at those labeled bins.  I felt a huge relief and relaxation in my body.  I realized how much energy it took to live against the current in the USA.

A previous post about living lightly on the earth.

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