Who am I really?

Written in my journal for May 7, after the event (“Continuing the Journey”) where I talked about what I had learned both while and after being part of Journey into Courage.  Some scenes from the video were shown.  Other women told their stories.

So now I’m home, after lunch.   I’m feeling very empty and blank inside.  It might have to do with a new start.  Or it might be about discovering how/where I really am.  Time to “write my way down to some truth.”

This is a phrase I used a lot in past journals.  It involved doing “writing practice” where the only rule is to keep the pen moving.  I am often blown away by what I write.

Who am I really?  Who am I if I let go of the dysfunctional behaviors?  I am creative, I am generous.  I am very curious about the world of Nature, and my intelligence and scientific training make it easy to understand the amazingly complex processes that have created the world we live in, and at the same time to be skeptical about the “latest discovery.”  I enjoy sharing my knowledge with people who want to know, and I like explaining in really basic terms so people don’t feel like they are “stupid.”  I’m a very good dance teacher and I love sharing the circle dances that I love.  I also enjoy creating a sequence of dances that move and change energy.  I’m also good at putting together a program from nothing at the last minute.  I’m a very caring person.  I care about the earth, the trees and the animals and the oceans.  I care about people who are having a hard time, who are in pain.  I care about social justice, economic justice, and racial justice, and I am infuriated by the inequalities that exist in my country.  I have worked hard to raise awareness of domestic violence and PTSD.  I have also worked hard and contributed money and energy, to create a sacred space which is a healing sanctuary.  I have fought hard and unrelentingly to heal the wounds of my childhood.  Truth is important to me.  I live and speak with integrity.

In the past, I would have been terrified to post this.  It would have been “thinking I’m so great.”  Now it’s obvious to me that it’s the truth.  The paradoxical thing is that I imagined if I really believed I was a good person, my life would change drastically.  It hasn’t really.  I can still get dragged down by things that happen, and I still become apathetic when I’m alone.  Maybe it’s like my other “knowings.”  I absolutely know they are true.  I think they must come from a level of the psyche that is below emotions.  Emotions can get triggered by actual events that remind my nervous system of the core trauma and by very old beliefs about myself.  Positive emotions come when I’m doing something that I love.

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