This is the first post in a while. I’ve been having a really hard time, had to move to the Health Center where I could be taken care of. If I hadn’t found this piece of writing, written when I was still somewhat coherent, I wouldn’t be posting anything this soon.
Written in Tuesday night writing group:
Wanted to write about how awful I was feeling before I worked with Erica and found out it was parts. Very young parts, non-verbal. Which means I couldn’t think and it felt awful. Actually I was taken over by a part who was so young it didn’t speak. So I couldn’t speak. Very different from meditating, or being in a mystical state — which I’m not sure I know what that is. What was so awful about it was feeling trapped in a non-verbal state: unable to speak, even unable to think because thinking needs words. Trapped in a non-verbal state, unable to think because thinking needs words. I felt without power to communicate, no way to talk about my experience. What I had to do was separate from the part and become what Erica calls “your youest you,” who you really are. That one was able to tune in to the past, and sense about what was going on. Had to express it in terms of feelings because the part couldn’t talk about its experience. I had to guess at what it was feeling, express it in sensory terms, and see if that’s what the part was feeling. As I began to tune in to it, I started being able to reassure the part that it was OK, that I cared about it, that I understood how hard it was to have such uncomfortable trapped feelings. It turned out that one part had been left alone — which of course was how I got traumatized — and that the second part had not only been left alone, but had been rejected forcefully. I was able to talk to the part about how painful that would be, and so was able to establish a connection. Then it seemed like the connection between me and the part had to be established over and over again. We would make connection, but then lose it, and this happened over and over. It may take some time and a lot of work to establish a connection that lasts. A long time and a lot of work of connecting over and over again. Well, I am certainly willing. I feel connected to these two parts because of their pain, even when they don’t feel connected to me.
I feel that this explains the process pretty well.