Originally posted in June 2015
Pain. “What you feel you can heal”
The session with Erica was filled with so much pain. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much except maybe long ago when I splashed pain all over my journals. Writhed with it, ran away from it. Running through the streets of Athens at night, crying out “Thanatos!” — the word means “Death” in Greek — did I really do that?
I was only able to let myself feel the pain because Erica was there. It came in a hard hard painful squeezing and then relaxed. I would sigh and sometimes yawn, and then it would hit again. The yawns comforted me because they indicated that something was being released. Erica said the pain was coming in waves. I saw that I had experienced it in waves, but was still afraid (am still afraid) that it could last forever. I see now that “forever” is what the baby experiences. O I want to scoop her up and help her bear the pain. I guess in a way that’s what I’m doing when I allow myself to feel the pain.
Finally I relaxed into what felt like a nothing place. Erica asked what that felt like. I said my lower half felt very heavy, butt and legs filled with BB shot, then butt and legs like a Henry Moore sculpture, massive, cast metal. The top part of me felt collapsed on top of the heaviness and also held down by it. Erica asked what was the wisdom of the heaviness, what did it have to say to me? That was hard, searching and searching to find the feeling and give it words. Finally I got “to hold you in one place” but I knew there was more. Why did I have to stay in one place? I didn’t want to, I’d do anything to get out of here “…until you learn to…” What? what! “…rest.” Gosh, what irony. I’m so tired, I desperately need to rest, and yet I’m experiencing this being held as being trapped and fighting against it.
I can only remember experiencing pain like this during the David episode, and I splashed it out of me, smashing his windows, writing crazily, turning myself in to the Health Center where they filled me with tranquilizers.
Rest. If I could truly rest. I’m so exhausted. I can sit still, often do, just staring, but it’s not rest, it’s more like lack of motivation to move.
Erica said “I’m so grateful to you for being willing to experience this pain.” I asked why. She said that it helped everybody else wake up more. I guess that’s the same as my idea that I’m healing the human energy field. If that were true, then I would know that my life hasn’t been wasted. Some days I believe it, some days I don’t.
This pain I’ve been experiencing tells me that the wound is very deep and very old. I see that it’s going to take a lot of hard work. I don’t know if I’ll even finish it before I die, if I’ll ever have a “real life” except for moments like the two days of feeling “extraordinary.” I told Erica something I told Kevin long ago, that I wanted to get as close to healing as I could, so that the next person who incarnates out of this energy will not find it such tough going.